Grimalkin's Tales - Various

[cromagnonman]

Sometimes, on long winter's evenings, Cro-Magnonman likes to while away the hours wishing that someone would get around to inventing corners. Then he could install one in his cave and dedicate it to strange and surreal books. At which point this slim volume would finally be shelved in its appropriate place.

And what business does a book of fluffy feline stories have here anyway on the gory smorgasbord that is the vault forums, I hear you ask? Ah, do not be taken in by that deceptively twee cover. This marvellous book contains very little that you might reasonably expect it to and an awful lot more than you would necessarily imagine.

But to begin with though: what sort of person actually reads collections of cat stories anyway? Being on a relatively low rung of the evolutionary ladder Cro-Magnonman believes he can be forgiven for harbouring fairly stereotypical images of the average feline reader. But he's willing to bet that he's not alone in his prejudices. All I can say is that if anyone of that ilk picked up this book in expectation of schmaltz and sentimentality then they were in for a rude surprise.

That being the case I confess to being at a loss to understand who this book was intended to appeal to. The deranged editorial process that gave birth to it defies comprehension. Whilst the submission guidelines which were issued to the contributors - if indeed there actually were any - can only be imagined. Because no parameters with regards either to tone or content appear to have been stipulated or specified. As a consequence the stories pendulum wildly between the extremes of each. They run the gamut from outright whimsy to the blackest of black comedies on the one hand, poignant suburban vignettes to global nuclear horror on the other. The settings also span the majesty of ancient Egypt to Man's first interstellar excursions. Whether by chance or design though these conflicting polarities actually work to the book's advantage. They seem to represent an attempt to encapsulate the mercurial qualities of the enigmatic creature in all its inscrutable moods.

To be honest it is something of a misnomer to label this book as a collection of cat stories anyway, as the book itself does on the back cover; rather it is a collection of stories with cats in them. Because apart from a couple of notable exceptions the emphasis of the stories is on the human characters and how they are both affected and influenced by their interaction with the creatures.

Originally published back in 1983 (and surely a trick was missed in not naming it GRIMALKIN'S TAILS) the book is a product of the creative labours of three distinct talents: Stella Whitelaw, Judy Gardiner and Mark Ronson. What special qualities or attributes singled them out for the commission I couldn't say although their aptitude for the task becomes self-evident with the reading. Stella Whitelaw had published her own collection of cat stories just a couple of years previous which goes some way to explaining her inclusion. But Judy Gardiner, insofar as I can ascertain it, is a romantic novelist. As for Mark Ronson: as Hamlyn itself had published his shy and retiringly titled novels OGRE and BLOOD-THIRST not so many years previous, surely only the most demented sort of editor would have commissioned cat stories from him without some expectation of what he was going to receive.

As it happens Ronson's contributions aren't particularly graphic by his standards but it is fair to say that they are by far the most theatrical, taking in as they do animal experimentation centres, mass murder in outer space, pagan folklore, gratuitous female nudity and the mass hysteria of 17th century witch finding.

By way of a welcome counterpoint Whitelaw's four stories are far lighter in tone albeit with their own singular edge. Even a story as ostensibly frivolous as "The Cat that could Fly" begins with the eponymous Leopold crunching a baby thrush to death: an act guaranteed to have any unwitting ten year old recipient of the book sobbing into their alcopops.
Whitelaw's best effort, in my opinion, is a story entitled "The Great God Mau", and concerns a feral cat taken in by an Egyptian pharoah which then finds itself venerated as a sacred beast. Adopted into a life of luxury and privilege the cat eventually comes to discover that with great prestiege comes an awful commitment when the pharoah dies.

But as good as the contributions of Ronson and Whitelaw are - and with one exception they are very good indeed - the best stories in the book, and by a comfortable margin, are all the work of Judy Gardiner. In contrast to those of Ronson and Whitelaw Gardiner's four stories are short on incident but long on pathos, poignancy and piquant characterization. All of them appear unprepossessing stuff in resume: a young girl recovering from diphtheria is packed off to her grandmother's house in the country to convalesce where she forms a peculiar attachment to her grandmother's cat: an elderly couple mourning the loss of their pet rediscover a zest for life: two married couples experience a sexual frisson during an impromptu get-together when one of the husbands locks himself out after taking their cat to the vet. Nothing there to quicken the pulse you might think, but these prosaic scenarios are developed with such consumate flair and quiet insight that they eclipse the more lurid offerings in the book.

But it is with the story entitled "The Bad Luck Cat" though that Gardiner's gifts for storytelling and narrative panache transcend themselves with the creation of something utterly sublime. I will say nothing more about this story because I do not wish to even risk diluting its jaw dropping impact for anyone who reads it. Suffice to say that not only is this the most effective and affecting tale in the book, but that I am prepared to go so far as to say that this is one of the best short stories I have ever read.
An utterly devastating masterpiece.

And that's my pennysworth appertaining to this strangest of books. With eyes bubbling out of heads under the sear of atomic blasts, feline transmogrifications and a witch burning there is enough horror content in it to justify its inclusion here, I think.

Oh, and in case anyone is still wondering why I made a point of drawing attention to the deceptiveness of the cover. Well, maybe its just the way my unreconstructed prehistoric brain works, but to my mind there's something less than innocent about that priapic vegetation in the background. To say nothing of the enticing slits in those ripening fruits. Turn the cover upside down however and you're presented with an uncompromising and unequivocal image.

Is it any wonder why I'm so conflicted about what cat-egory of fiction to file this under.
(Huh Huh, caveman humour, please ignore).   

[cromagnonman]

Book cover finally embedded if anyone's interested.

[Mike Brough]

Going for a penny (or £2.81 if you worry about things like postage) on Amazon.  In for a penny.

[dem]

*Groan* Yet another added to never-ending wants list. 'Mark Ronson' also edited a surprisingly pulp heavy anthology for children of all ages, Beaver Book of Horror, and, under his real name, Marc Alexander, a series of 'non-fiction' ghost studies for Sphere.

Friend bluetomb has posted a micro-review of Judy Gardiner's supernatural novel, The Quick And The Dead.

[cromagnonman]

Thanks for the link Dem. On the basis of it not a book probably that anyone would risk a thousand death traps in hunting down. I'm imperilled enough as it is by the teetering piles of paperbacks I already possess and have yet to work my way through. I swear I will  one day be discovered pulverized under a collapsed stack of NELs, Spheres and Coronets: pulped by fiction, you might say.

As I recall it, didn't Ronson himself eventually go down the same understated route of rural horror? I seem to remember reading a book called WHISPERING CORNER which while readable was similarly short on shocks.

I've only recently found out that under his real name Ronson wrote a fantasy tetralogy called THE WELLS OF YTHAN. Fantasy will always be my first love but I've never come across this series before. Has anyone out there read it?

[dem]

On the off-chance you've not seen it, here's the Alexander/ Ronson entry at ISFDB. Hadn't heard of half of these, let alone read them. He's written stacks more non-fiction than ISFDB give him credit for, sample titles Haunted Pubs in Britain and Ireland (Sphere, 1984), Enchanted Britain (Arthur Baker, 1981), The Devil Hunter: The Incredible Account Of The Work Of A Modern Day Exorcist (Sphere, 1981, one of three Alexander books based on the exploits of Rev Dr Donald Omand ... unless they are all the same one under a variety of titles: To Anger The Devil, The Man Who Exorcised the Bermuda Triangle, etc).

If you're looking for more evil feline shorts, there's always Michel Parry's début anthology, Beware Of The Cat.

[franklinmarsh]

Feb 15, 2016 22:52:44 GMT cromagnonman said:

As I recall it, didn't Ronson himself eventually go down the same understated route of rural horror? I seem to remember reading a book called WHISPERING CORNER which while readable was similarly short on shocks.

Have just kicked off Ronson's Whispering Corner and v interesting it is too. Horror writer's Mrs has bunked off to the US with her American school pal and appears in no hurry to come back. He's under pressure to write his third novel (first was a big hit, second didn't live up to expectations) and is off to darkest Dorset and 'Whispering Corner', his isolated country pile for inspiration ; he's got three months to come up with the goods and currently has nada. His publishing house has been taken over by a large conglomerate, and his new editor and young lady given to military chic from the Kings Road, earning her the nickname The Kensington Guerilla is not a fan of horror (what she describes as 'deflower and devour' - ulp!). Can our hero come up with the goods? The imposing dump he ends up at seems promising as regards inspiration, and local vicar the Reverend Gotobed's tales of the origin of the name WC, plus itinerant Aussie wanderer Warren's searching for ley lines and mysticism are helping too.

[cromagnonman]

May 23, 2017 20:51:31 GMT franklinmarsh said:

Feb 15, 2016 22:52:44 GMT cromagnonman said:

As I recall it, didn't Ronson himself eventually go down the same understated route of rural horror? I seem to remember reading a book called WHISPERING CORNER which while readable was similarly short on shocks.

Have just kicked off Ronson's Whispering Corner and v interesting it is too. Horror writer's Mrs has bunked off to the US with her American school pal and appears in no hurry to come back. He's under pressure to write his third novel (first was a big hit, second didn't live up to expectations) and is off to darkest Dorset and 'Whispering Corner', his isolated country pile for inspiration ; he's got three months to come up with the goods and currently has nada. His publishing house has been taken over by a large conglomerate, and his new editor and young lady given to military chic from the Kings Road, earning her the nickname The Kensington Guerilla is not a fan of horror (what she describes as 'deflower and devour' - ulp!). Can our hero come up with the goods? The imposing dump he ends up at seems promising as regards inspiration, and local vicar the Reverend Gotobed's tales of the origin of the name WC, plus itinerant Aussie wanderer Warren's searching for ley lines and mysticism are helping too.

Be keen to hear what you think of this FM. Its been so long now since I read it that I can remember next to nothing about it. Apart from there being some sort of surreal experience with an animated bedsheet. I dont recall it being bad at all just more subtle than I was probably expecting - or hoping for - at the time. Coincidentally I've just found another novel of the type by him called THE DARK DOMAIN from 1984: seems to be about a family haunted by the legacy of witchcraft, psychic possession and stuff of that sort. Thought you might like seeing the backflap photo of the man himself.

     

[franklinmarsh]

If this is the Mark Ronson of Ghoul, Ogre and Plague Pit, he was always a bit toned down compared to GNS and Hutson, but his stories were still great fun. That bedsheet business sounds strangely like a certain well-known ghost story (memorably filmed by Dr Jonathan Miller circa '68) and there's some sort of coda to WC (Can't resist referring to it by those particular initials) entitled A Note To The Curious. MRJ has been namechecked, as has Edgar Allan Poe, and, as we're in the 1980s, the Ford Sierra has replaced the Capri as vehicle of choice for travelling salesmen. The writer of the story (Jonathan Northrop) apparently wrote a factual (of sorts) book about mystic Britain that led the Aussie to his doorstep. There's been a spooky sequence where Jonathan hears (yep) whispering in his bedroom. The really enjoyable parts of WC so far are the mechanics of writing (on a typewriter with sharpened pencils beside it) and how Jonathan's writing reflects what is/may be happening 'in real life'. The book started off in a glorious fashion with a hero encountering a young lady in a rainstorm. She's just survived a car crash but he was fascinated by the way her wet blouse was clinging to her...I was just about to contact the Globeswatch team when it was revealed that this was one of Jonathan's failed first drafts for his make-or-break third novel. It's this playfulness and possible connections to Ronson's writing life (a la Stephen King) that have ignited my interest. It's a shame that when you google Mark Ronson nowadays you just get Uptown Funk.

[franklinmarsh]

Right. *SPOILERS APPROACHING - at high speed* I've got to hand it to Ronno. I tiptoed through a few reviews on here of his old classics, which nicely set me up for the following massive piss-take. Jonathan's agent, Sweet Sylvia (Incidentally, the Kensington Guerilla's name is Jocasta Mount-Williams) insists he appears on a Radio City chat show, to plug his upcoming WC. Northrop accedes and shows up for the Charity Brown radio show. Wait a minute! That's Charity Brown, the radio journalist who appeared in Plague Pit? Apparently it is. Other guests include pop singer Mandy Devine - hang on - the Mandy Devine who also appeared in Plague Pit as singer of The Strippers - who lived up to their name - apart from their male drummer? She doesn't go into detail about her band, just relates a story of being haunted onstage by the spirits of a deceased group. There's also the Reverend Andrew McAndrew, a cheery 70 year old exorcist - just a tic= no, never heard of - I say, Dem's review of Mark Ronson's Ghoul mentions a film maker with the very same name. The other guest on the show is King Syed of Abu Sabbah (the brother of the king in Ghoul) who talks about...er...ghouls, He also studied Ambrose Bierce, Algernon Blackwood, M R James, William Hope Hodgson and H P Lovecraft at Harrow and believes Jonathan Northrop to be their natural successor. He even invites the writer back to the Hilton afterward to offer him a lucrative job in the kingdom after WC is done and dusted. Jonathan says he'll think about it and drives home in the pouring rain, listening to (zzzz) Weather Report. As he approaches Whispering Corner, he notices a car crashed at the side of the road. A young girl staggers into his headlights. He jumps out to help, and is fascinated by the way her wet blouse....

[dem]

Good on you, Franklin. Have a coach trip to seaside and back ahead of me tomorrow and you've decided me to risk taking this recent addition to the shelves of shame along for company ...

Mark Ronson - Plague Pit (Hamlyn, 1981)

Blurb
Deep foundations are being dug on a City building site when some old brickwork is revealed. Part of it collapses, releasing a gust of air so foul that all the men nearby begin to choke and retch.

Finally the nauseous stench disperses, and they discover a burial crypt dating back to the Great Plague of London in 1665. But these pits should never be disturbed.

When the intruders begin to show horrifying symptoms — fever, nausea, revolting swellings — all will die hideously within five days.

The frightened authorities struggle to stop a national crisis. So the victims are isolated, and a cover-up is launched. "

But one of the men who entered the pit cannot be traced ....

[franklinmarsh]

Go for it! Plague Pit and Ogre are good 'uns. I lost it with Bloodthirst second time around. I think H P Saucecraft started a thread on The Dark Domain, claiming Mr Ronson was trying to be Poe in that one. He's Mr Versatile, if also Mr Toned-Down.

[dem]

May 24, 2017 20:26:03 GMT franklinmarsh said:

Right. *SPOILERS APPROACHING - at high speed* I've got to hand it to Ronno. I tiptoed through a few reviews on here of his old classics, which nicely set me up for the following massive piss-take. Jonathan's agent, Sweet Sylvia (Incidentally, the Kensington Guerilla's name is Jocasta Mount-Williams) insists he appears on a Radio City chat show, to plug his upcoming WC. Northrop accedes and shows up for the Charity Brown radio show. Wait a minute! That's Charity Brown, the radio journalist who appeared in Plague Pit? Apparently it is. Other guests include pop singer Mandy Devine - hang on - the Mandy Devine who also appeared in Plague Pit as singer of The Strippers - who lived up to their name - apart from their male drummer? She doesn't go into detail about her band, just relates a story of being haunted onstage by the spirits of a deceased group.

Heartening to learn several of Plague Pit's major players were still knocking around to see in the 'nineties. Mandy Devine did particularly well to recover from her agonizing on-stage death from bubonic plague at the Strippers' ill-fated Wembley gig (promoting their "chart-topping video single", Lady Santa).

[franklinmarsh]

Makes you wonder if Whispering Corner is set before Plague Pit. Still persevering although Kim Newman keeps getting in the way. The sheet episode was a tad underwhelming, but there's been a boffo seance, complete with Ouija action culminating in The Inevitable Exploding Glass. Looks like we're heading toward an intermission with Jonathan and his NZ doxie heading abroad for a break.

[dem]

Jun 7, 2017 12:29:20 GMT franklinmarsh said:

Makes you wonder if Whispering Corner is set before Plague Pit.

Don't think it can be set before Plague Pit otherwise how could Mandy refer to her musical/ disrobing exploits in the past tense? But then what's this about her being haunted by deceased band members? Nothing makes sense anymore.