Francis Greig - The Bite & Other Apocryphal Tales

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Francis Greig - The Bite & Other Apocryphal Tales (Jonathan Cape, 1981)

Shirley Tuckley

Introduction

The Hitchhiker
The Street Cries of Old London
The Bargain
Predictions
A Dash for Freedom
Heads You Lose
Little Perry
A Testing Time
Quick Change
The Windfall
The Outing
The Bite
A Last Fling
In Jest
The Escape
Words to the Unwise
The Revenge
Going Home
The Cop-Out
The Move
Recollections

Blurb:
"Apocryphal tales are an indelible part or modern Folklore,‘ writes Francis Greig. ‘Their familiarity lies in the likelihood that most of us will, at some time or another, have been told such a story, recognizing in it events we have heard of before — slightly altered in detail, perhaps, but unchanged in essence.' They are invariably presented as true: whoever is telling the story will have heard it from a friend who knows the person it happened to, or will have read it in a newspaper. There is something in the nature of an apocryphal story that makes it believable. lt will have about it something of a basic fear, or a fundamental attraction, that finds a universal response.
The tales in this book often spring from an odd set of circumstances: the cost of transporting a corpse in Italy turns out to be many times higher than the usual fare: something faintly aggressive creeps into the effusiveness of an elderly couple when speaking of the four-year-old child they have had late in life though no one in the village has seen him. Revenge crops up in curious guises when a beautiful girl dismisses the romantic overtures of an unrestrained practical joker. or when the college running a at woman‘s French evening classes tell her husband they have never heard of her. Children frequently instigate a macabre twist — their intense jealousies, the incessant request made once too often. the unadvertised pitfalls of driving them through safari parks. There are tales which could well overshadow one’s next encounter with hitchhikers, rum and budgerigars. And any sufferers from arachnophobia be warned of the title story, 'The Bite’.
Francis Greig relates these incidents with tremendous flair. He can evoke an atmosphere of foreboding which is almost palpable. Some of the tales are funny, others sinister or droll. Most would require a good deal of courage to read in an empty house at night.

Stories inspired by Urban legends and FOAF lore. A familiar horror name is among the dedications.

This book dedicated to the people in whose houses much of it was written

Michael and Sybil Brown
Colonel and Madame Le Guennec
Clarence Paget
John and Beryl Tough
George and Joan Turnbull

and to Paul Morris, who was kind enough to read the tales piecemeal and tactful enough to like them

The Hitchhiker: A young businesswoman takes pity on a bewildered elderly woman stranded in the station car park late at night and offers her a lift home. Carole Phillips' act of kindness is almost her last.

Heads You Lose: "I want you to unlock the door, get out of the car and walk towards me. Without looking back." Illicit lovers Peter and Jennie are driving late at night, looking for a secluded spot on the local Lovers Lane when his company Cortina runs out of petrol. With Jennie safely locked inside the car, Peter sets off with a jerrycan for the nearest pump, four miles away. He's been gone half an hour when there's a terrible thud on the roof .....

The Bargain: Paul Bennet checks and double checks the small ad in the local press before calling the number. A V-reg Jaguar for sale at £10? It has to be a misprint. It isn't.

A Testing Time: Gorgeous as she is, June Sheldon has no time for dating, all she cares about are motorbikes. Now that her family have clubbed together to grant her hearts desire - a 250cc Ducati - for her 21st, there is only the formality of passing her test before she's free to hit the open road! But June has reckoned without a reckless examiner.

Little Perry: The tightknit village community of Upper Buccleigh have come to suspect that the sainted four-year-old son the Glover are ever banging on about is a figment of their twin imaginations. Finally, the Reverend Davidson is prevailed upon to pay the elderly newcomers a home visit and insist on an introduction to the mysterious infant.

To be continued.

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Jul 15, 2018 18:58:23 GMT PeterC said:

The Bite and Heads You Lose by Francis Grieg (both 1981) are collections of fictionalised urban legends. Both are highly recommended.

The Bite : James Burton's diplomatic career requires he and wife Sheila to relocate in Africa. Sheila misses the creature comforts of home, and he agrees that she should return to England for a break. Before leaving, Sheila is bitten by a spider while driving through the Bush. Oscar Cook's Boomerang for arachnophobes.

The Street Cries of Old London: Thompson the butcher takes violent exception to four Hillview High school pupils collecting pennies for their pathetic straw-stuffed guy outside his premises ...

The Windfall: Lucky Bill Wallace! A previous owner of the Victorian country house left behind eight barrels of Rum in the cellar. Now family and friends have helped him drain the first, time to slice it up with a chainsaw.

Last Fling: On the eve of her wedding, reluctant bride Janet enjoys a last one night stand before settling down to a life of drudgery with desperately dull, dependable Duncan.

Great fun. Have most enjoyed Heads You Lose, Little Perry and The Bite to date.

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A Dash For Freedom: Old Mrs. Potter is all excited because today she's having the new carpet fitted. But oh dear, where has that naughty Tweetie the budgie got to? Particularly cruel this one.

The Revenge: Barbara Rawlinson claims to have enrolled for evening French classes, but husband Bert is certain she's carrying on with a local Flash Harry who drives a shiny red sports car. It hurts for sure, but Bert feels better now he has a concrete plan to fix them both.

Quick Change: Gerry Lawson overdoes it at the Office Christmas party and throws up all down his suit. What highly convoluted but plausible excuse to invent for terrifying wife Laura? En route to the station, he dashes into the department store for a new set of clothes, and makes the train with not not a moment to spare. Safely aboard, he heads for the rest room, strips off the soiled clothing and tosses it out the window. Now to try on his new outfit ....

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In Jest: Robert Fairfax, medical student and ladies man, draws a blank in his pursuit of Leonora Harris who brushes him off by returning a months worth of now withered flowers with a curt note, "I would be grateful if you would stop annoying me." Hurt and crushingly humiliated, he vows to get even. She gave him the elbow, so .... Fairfax, requests a favour of a pal in the dissecting room.

Predictions: Oxford, 1944. Veterinary surgeon Lawrence Porter offers a lift to a young woman stood at a bus stop. The girl, no conversationalist, eventually offers that she is what he might call a 'fortune teller,' though she favours psychic, and casually informs him that the war will end on may 8th 1945. Also, "someone will die in this car today."

Words to the Unwise: Stressed out Carrie Andrews, readies the children and reluctantly boards the cross channel ferry to join the husband she no longer loves. Five-year-old Miranda is jealous of baby brother Jonathan who monopolises all mum's attention, so it's good to hear her give him a telling off for a change. "If you don't shut up, I'll put you out of the porthole ..." Those familiar with Norah C. James' Helping Mummy, or Kate Farrell's story of the same name, will know what's coming.

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The Outing: A rotten visit the Safari Park for Sidney Andrews and family. The mood had soured long before they met the elephant in the road.

The Escape: Driving home from a four day management course, Keith Jackson is almost forced off the road by two mean-spirited bruisers in a Capri. Keith turns the table, but that only turns them violent. Lying in ambush on a lonely road, they set about his motor with lengths of chain. Starts like Duel. Pay-off is reminiscent of something I can't quite put my finger on, which is a real drag.

The Cop-out: Charles Black (!) confides in his manager that he can't make the business meeting in Rome as he's terrified of flying. Kilpatrick is sympathetic, and suggests Charles take the train instead. Makes no difference. Fate has it in for him.

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And finally;

The Move: The Morrison's are ready to leave Bristol for their new home 250 miles away in Manchester when a wailing Jemima reports that Titch, the cat, is missing ...

Going Home: The Buonorotti's are informed that it will cost them ₤500,000 to transport grandpa's en-coffined corpse by rail to Sicily, plus ₤60,000 per living passenger. Roberto does his sums, realises that between them, the family can't raise enough cash for him to travel in style. The poor old bastard will just have to slum it like the rest of them. Loved this one.

Recollections: A sportsman, recently involved in a horse-riding accident, reflects on his life's highlights and lowlights from cradle to ... well, it can't be the grave, because .... he's not dead!