Franklin Marsh - Auld Franklin's Almanak Of Doom

[dem bones]

Banned in several countries but, unfortunately, not this one.

Auld Franklin's Almanak Of Doom; 12 Terrible Tales (And One Godawful Poem) by Franklin Marsh (Lulu World Classics, July 2015)

Cover design. Fritz Maitland with Robert Morgan

[Author's Warning]

January -Yukon
February - Le Jour De La Saint-Valentin
March - Fight The Good Fight
April - Brock's Revenge
May - The Glans Of Orlak
June -Duet
July - A Delicate Undertaking
August - Nostalgia Ain't What It Used To Be
September - Satan's Snuffbox (Pendennis Alone)
October - Night Of The Pumpkins
November - Day Of The Pumpkins
December - From Beyond The Grate
Coda - Voodoo

Blurb:
SHUDDER - as you realise that Marshy's got a book out.
SCREAM - as you realise that you have a copy in your hand.
SHRIEK - as you realise that you're actually reading the damned thing.
SIGH - with relief as you hurl the offending article into the waste paper basket.
ALL YOUR FAVE'S AREN'T HERE!

12 Tales Of Terror to make your year seem even longer.

Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies ... heck, there's even a killer pe .... but that would be telling.

Journey inside - you'll never be the same!

So hot off the press I can't yet provide ordering information, the long-awaited début collection from Vault's resident master of black sorcery. "Review" to follow but in meantime, if you fancy a taster, you might like to try this gruesome account of the last hours of Britain's premier T'Pau tribute band.

A Delicate Undertaking

Thanks Franklin!

[dem bones]

Yukon: (Filthy Creations #5, Nov. 2008). A gold prospector falls foul of something mean and deadly in the snow forest. A deceptively conventional, trad horror opener to ease gentle reader into the strange and frightening world of old Marshy.

Le Jour De La Saint-Valentin: Terrifying goings-on aboard a Eurostar train as the blossoming internet romance between Ralph Dixon and Marie-Claude is scuppered by Nosferatu in winkelpickers. Early evidence of author's ongoing obsession with 'eighties pop chart toppers.

Fight The Good Fight: Unidentified woman extremely murders husband, but his corpse is having none of it. The battle of the sexes is a conflict never resolved.

Brock’s Revenge: Brock's war with those who indiscriminately slaughtered his loved ones culminates in the bloody battle of Travers Farm. Shades of a miniature Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia with a badger standing in for Bennie.

The Glans Of Orlak: The Adverts once contemplated the lot of the recipient of Gary Gilmore's Eyes. Michael (once Michelle) Orlak, the initially grateful beneficiary of a plastic surgeon's skills, has bigger problems in every sense. His humongous new member has an insatiable lust for homicide. Not for the faint hearted.

Duet: A beautiful summers day. Boy meets girl on the beach and soon discovers they've something significant in common. Heart-touching, sad and played completely straight. To say more would be to ruin it.

A Delicate Undertaking: (Vault Of Evil forum, July 2009). When their van conks out in the back of beyond, Trish, Clive, Digger, and Muttley - known collectively as Ker-Pow - reluctantly perform an impromptu pub gig before an audience of Funeral Directors. A good time is had by some!

TBC ...

[dem bones]

Marion Bondage

Nostalgia Ain't What It Used To Be: Frank Christopher's final bank job goes disastrously awry with the intervention of the ghosts of his victims.

Satan's Snuffbox: (Vault Of Evil forum, Jan. 2011). Mr. Marsh is widely acknowledged as the world's leading authority on the life work of Gregory Pendennis, so who better to chronicle the old venerable's unsought run-in with the forces of darkness while convalescing on the Kentish coast? The Reverend Saltacre of St. Myrons, Dumbleby, is locked in bitter dispute with sinister antiquarian bookseller, Oswald Dirigible, over possession of a silver snuffbox once owned by Sir Francis Dastard, the hell-raising High Priest of the notorious Brimstone Mob. Pendennis, who has already fallen out with Dirigible over the latter's disparaging remarks regarding sales of his black sorcery novels, initially sides with the unctuous vicar. But is Saltacre quite as pious as he seems? What is the secret of Satan's snuffbox and is it worth Greg tearing his eyes away from a Laymon novel (red shorts epoch) to find out? Arguably Pendennis's most perilous occult escapade since that horrific business on Dreadstone Moor.

Night Of The Pumpkins: As if we didn't have enough to contend with from rampaging crabs, slugs, locusts and jellyfish, now the fruit and veg have muscled in on the act. The Usual Suspects public house comes under attack from the demonic genetically moderated crop in farmer Abraham Giles neighbouring field forcing a lock-in. Chain-smoking, Guiness guzzling Colin Delmonte, the world's surliest publican, heroically steps into the fray to thwart evil MAD SCIENTIST Professor Zygote's 's sinister design. Co-stars Sergeant Duby as the brave but baffled cop, deceptively inoffensive Emma Royde as the Nazi's sidekick, several doomed tearaways in Halloween costumes and, in a too brief cameo, Colin's wife. The Proberts might like to consider it for their impressive live action repetoire. Whatever, GNS would have been proud.

[dem bones]

Day Of The Pumpkins: If Night Of The Pumpkins is the author's The Rats then Day ... is his Domain with a hint of The Spear. Britain is under attack from ultra-violent rhubarb and the King Pumpkin. Colin Delmonte, Still coming to terms with last night's tragedy, is fast-tracked into the security forces for a hush hush operation to suppress the fruit & vegetable uprising. But can Desmond Rotkiss (min of ag fish 'n food) be trusted? Political. Disturbing. It could happen, etc.

From Beyond The Grate. Here come Santa's gang. Have you been naughty or have you been nice? Little Marie and her horrid brother Brian are about to experience a Christmas they'll never forget!

Voodoo: A warning to the curious globetrotter. Don't get pissed with a disciple of Baron Samedi.

Ghastly, grisly and occasionally poignant, this slim collection is a worthy introduction to the wonderful and terrifying world of the reclusive Auld Franklin. Still not sure how you order a copy, so those interested are best advised to pm the author. A new Franklin Marsh story features in Mr & Mrs. Riley's forthcoming anthology, Kitchen Sink Gothic.

[franklinmarsh]

Cheers, Dem! Above and beyond and all that. Great to see expressions like 'Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia' and 'The Adverts' Gary Gilmore's Eyes' used by professional reviewers such as yourself - we're still singing from the same sheet. . The thievin' bastid posties didn't have it away with that Monopoly tenner I stuck inside, then? (A can of Guinness would have creased the covers.)

The (extremely thin - like the talent inside) paperback of this disgusting vanity project is available from Lulu.Com as is the (Marsh dips toe in 21st Century shock) e-book. the thing might even crop up on Amazon in a couple of weeks. I may even possibly have a couple of 'review' copies knocking about for the discerning Internet user...(That's enough gross exhibitionism - Ed).

[pulphack]

I like the fact that you have to verify your age before Lulu lets you look at the book in their catalogue. It had better be worth giving away how old I am! Can I say that it is disgustingly cheap as an e-book or even as a paperback (which is my preference), and you'd have to be a fool to turn up this chance to sample the delights of a premier terror satirist (eh? you mean he MEANS it? etc).

Looking forward to it. Yes, that's how sad my life is...

[dem bones]

Jul 30, 2015 4:59:22 GMT pulphack said:

I like the fact that you have to verify your age before Lulu lets you look at the book in their catalogue. It had better be worth giving away how old I am! Can I say that it is disgustingly cheap as an e-book or even as a paperback (which is my preference), and you'd have to be a fool to turn up this chance to sample the delights of a premier terror satirist (eh? you mean he MEANS it? etc).

Looking forward to it. Yes, that's how sad my life is...

I always fib, gaining or losing a decade as the mood dictates. I used to like how, on MySp*c*, everyone was "age: 101"

Cast my eye over the latest macabre Marshy offering last night, namely the ghost story 1964, in which a Mods versus Rockers skirmish ends in tragedy, then ... more tragedy. This one's a bit like a Richard Allen boot-boy novel in miniature except it actually has a discernible plot.

[franklinmarsh]

Thanks Pulps - you could have said you were 18 (although we all know you're well in your twenties by now). Lulu gives you the option to tick a box that your manuscript contains 'adult material'. Because The Glans Of Orlak (major spoiler : it's not that explicit) was in and there was some effing and blinding in a couple of other tales, I automatically clicked on that in case my mum bought a copy thinking it was Old Moore's Almanac, or some American prof was outraged because he was expecting Benjamin Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanak. Blummin' google - I'm sick of Aretha Franklin's version of Auld Lang Syne.

Glad you're enjoying 1964 Dem - it's Richard Allen meets Alan Sillitoe. In my dreams.

[pulphack]

At less than the price of a London pint, you can't go wrong with this. As with all good satirists and parodists, FM knows and loves his stuff, and so it actually works on two levels - there are some really nasty and yucky moments as well as some wry smiles when the jokes hit home. FM knows that no matter how much you love it, it's all tosh really (or that's how I read it) and so subverts the frights with a knowing wink.

Anyway, some thoughts - as Dem has synopsised, I'll just be elliptic...

Yukon - actually a serious and nasty opener, despite what I say above. Typical.

Le Jour De La Saint Valentin - Reg Varney? Genius!

Fight The Good Fight - you've got a camera on me and mrs PH at home, haven't you!

Brock's Revenge - loved this, as will anyone with animal sympathies, though I did think it might be about Hawkwind...

The Glans Of Orlak - I screamed and screamed again...

Duet - another serious one, and very nicely understated. Oddly for me, I think this may be my pick of the non-funny stuff.

A Delicate Undertaking - you know far too many T'Pau song titles, which I find worrying.

Nostalgia Ain't What It Used To Be - class act, this one.

Satan's Snuffbox (Pendennis Alone) - I aspire to be Gregory when I grow up.

Night Of The Pumpkins & Day Of The Pumpkins - this is what I mean when I say it works on two levels. Fantastic parody and also pretty yuck in places, with a lovely dark ending.

From Beyond The Grate - don't we all know kids we want this to happen to? Just me, then?

Voodoo - Can't you imagine this as a Lance Percival calypso? Just me, then?

Money well spent. Buy it.

[dem bones]

Aug 5, 2015 5:24:34 GMT pulphack said:

Duet - another serious one, and very nicely understated. Oddly for me, I think this may be my pick of the non-funny stuff.

It's my pick of the entire collection. That it follows directly on from the massive- member-on-the-rampage excesses of The Glans of Orlak (love the documentary approach) is a stroke of running order genius.

The "ALL YOUR FAVE'S AREN'T HERE!" hard sell is actually true. No The Late Bus, The Wicket Man, The Morris Men, Stille Nacht, Krol ... and only one stingy Gregory Pendennis black sorcery adventure? I hope the auld scoundrel is planning an omnibus.

[franklinmarsh]

Mea Pulpa! Many thanks Mr Hack. I do appreciate this. I'm smarting about that Hawkwind reference as a classic missed opportunity, and I'm still trying to work out a way to get Brock's Revenge to Brian May to get Brian Blessed to do the audio version. Nice to see the late Lance Percival get namechecked too.


Dem - thanks again. There may possibly be an Auld Franklin's Decathalon or Auld Franklin's Laundry List or summat to round up the strays. And The (Almost) Compleat Pendennis is a given, as soon as I can find the right old codger snoozing before a roaring open fire in a country pub, to pose with velvet smoking jacket and pint of brandy and champagne to adorn the back cover. If only Bob R had been around to see it!

[dem bones]

Around to see it? The late, truly great Bob would have been IDEAL to pose for the cover photo. I reckon he'd have been right up for it, too. Did you ever get to see his performance on Clive Barker's A-Z of Horror? A true Vault legend, that dear man. I'll bet even Gregory Pendennis calls him "The Duke."