Bring Back 'Scorer'!

[dem]

Have accumulated way too much junk for one lifetime, but still wish I'd had the foresight to compile a scrapbook of Scorer's on and off-field exploits in The Mirror while it was still possible. Written by Barrie Tomlinson, the strip began at close of the 'eighties with a fresh faced, black and white Dave Storry watching from the terraces as the local side, perennial fourth division struggler's Stonely Wanderers, endured their ritual stuffing. Claiming that his granny could play better than any of the current journeymen, Dave landed a trial and was soon doing his things; hitting the back of the net, pulling loads of birds (forty-five in his first ten years according to The Free Library), getting up the collective nostrils of both manager and ageing team-mates alike with his show-boating and desperately unhilarious witticisms. Dave's phenomenal strike rate saw him scouted by a raft of first division clubs, but it was Tolcaster United who landed the transfer deal of the century when they agreed to pay Stonely's asking price of a corrugated iron sheet for the bogshed roof, a dozen cans of Watneys Party Seven and a copy of Kevin Keegan's Head Over Heels In Love 45 in it's original picture sleeve.

Although Dave Storry's adventures were often a little far fetched - sometimes you felt you were reading something out of Roy of the Rovers - certain story lines rang true, notably the descent into alcoholic hell of play-maker Paul Grazier. On the sad occasion of Lady Diana's death, there was a day's break in the action as the Tollies flag was lowered to half mast and a solemn Storry reminded us on behalf of the squad that some things are more important than football.

Mirroring the plight of certain big spending premiership outfits, Tollies went through owners like they were going out of fashion. Chat-show host Jonathan Ross stepped down after a relatively benign chairmanship to be replaced by South American psycho Figel Molina, whose idea of motivation was pulling a gun on the manager, buzzing the training ground in his private jet and introducing a controversial kneecapping forfeit for misplaced passes. Nobody at Tolcaster was upset at his departure until they met the new owner, a rather flamboyant fellow in a pink suit, who was all over Dave like a rash and proposed the team pose nude for the team calendar. Seemingly written as a grotesque caricature of his namesake, former Palace chairman (and Telstar producer!) Simon Jordan, Dave had little worry of the Tollies' latest sugar daddy lusting after Ulrika, unlike greasy, serial bottom-pincher Benito "I am Italian. It is-a what we do" Pinnavaro, who was always sniffing around. Somewhere along the line there was also a lovestruck Romeo who pilfered the clubs profits to fund his gold-digging, trophy babe's lavish lifestyle and drove the club to the brink of extinction.

Dave's manager throughout his entire post-Stonely career was Jack Hocherty, a tough Scot with a heart of gold and a fondness for a wee dram between barking orders at the laddies. Team mates of note would include robust captain and Tollie legend Les Harker (Roy Keane with a ponytail and no sense of humour; Les was due at least seven testimonials by the time the strip was unceremoniously dumped); barnstorming, prolific inside forward Phil Weggle, a mullet for all seasons who got annoyed when Dave called him "Weggle-bonce" in that amusing way of his; Paul Grazier, aforementioned gifted but thick walking drink problem; Wayne Sutton, freckle faced, highly combustible midfield genius; Dave's best pal, Trevor 'Sinclair' Benjamin, who followed him from Stonely to Tolcaster and the brink of an England call up, The signing of wold cup winner Pablo Fendez, finally ended Jack Hocherty''s search for the temperamental sex-pest, disruptive in the dressing room and handy with a free kick, who would complete the dream team.

And to set the boys (and girls!) pulses racing, there was x-treme shopper Ulrika, Scorer's on-off better half, a Swedish lingerie supermodel, who, like Dave, had her own official fan club and always remembered you on your birthday. Ulrika had the WAG thing down to a fine art when Posh Spice was still tucking into big macs. Lounge about all day wearing very little, get on the phone to her agent, a quick romp in the swimming pool with her voracious bisexual girl pal, Fallon, then clean out Dave's bank account on a designer hankie to wear to the perfume launch. Work commitments saw to it that the soul mates were rarely within a continent of one another, but should Ulrika partner Dave to a Tolcaster function, what little she wore by way of a costume was lost in the inevitable cat-fight with the latest lesbian he'd struck a platonic relationship with, although it all ended in the girls getting on famously and Dave copping a ticking off and extra-training from Boss Hocherty.

Ultimately, Dave Storry could have made all the difference at Italia 90 had he not sustained a career threatening groin strain during a fatal going away squelch with Ulrika. It's a matter of national regret that, for all his net-busting prowess - a hat-trick minimum every match for 72 years - Dave was always the nearly man when it came to an England call up, possibly because of the unfathomable points system which saw the Tollies mired in the relegation dogfight despite winning all their matches and conquering Europe. Consequently, successive England coaches gave him a wide berth. Glen Hoddle felt he carried too much baggage from a previous life. Graham Taylor reckoned he spent too much energy on a baggage in this one. Sir Bobby Robson didn't fancy him. Sven Goran Erikson didn't fancy Ulrika. Malcolm McClaren wouldn't risk destabilising a losing team. Master tactician Fabio Cappello had no use for a prolific marksman in his revolutionary 'return of the long ball game' master-plan which so nearly saw the Three Lions emulate the Fash-Vinnie-Wise era Wimbledon F.C. success story.

Why the strip came to a jarring conclusion mid-story on Saturday 19th February 2011 to make way for the return of Garth and a short-lived new strip, Simon's Cat - which was bollocks - is still shrouded in mystery, as there was no indication the Stonely Pele was ready to hang up his golden boots (see Lord Hereford's Knob for a contemporary response to the scandal). Now The Mirror has mercifully rid its pages of self-styled friend of the stars and professionally Little Englander, T*ry P*rsons, the least they owe us, and themselves, is to return Dave, Ulrika and the Tollies from exile.

Bring Back Scorer!

[glampunk]

Roy Of The Rovers Annual 1979 (Fleetway, 1978)

Before Dave Storry, there was Melchester Rovers evergreen Roy Race, total legend. The ageless 'Racey' remains the model professional and role-model for kids our current crop of reprobates will always be measured against. And they will always be found wanting. In a playing career spanning 39 years - tragically, it ended prematurely when he lost his lethal left leg in a helicopter crash - Roy was a referee's dream. He didn't cheat, he didn't dive, he didn't wave imaginary red cards, he didn't bully officials. He kept his elbows to himself. He never grabbed an opponent by the testicles. he didn't fall out of casino's pissed or organise orgies for his pals. Even St. Linekar of the zero yellow cards has admitted to once taking a dump on the sacred turf, albeit involuntarily. Racey would never do that, and even if he did, he'd insist on cleaning it up to prevent anyone slipping in it. Asked why he didn't include Racey in the England 1966 world cup squad, Sir Alf Ramsey explained that he already had Hurst, Greaves and Hunt and felt that Roy was still too "too young" but he was that close to a call up (a true story, proving that the great surley one did have a sense of humour after all). Post-Heysel, a concerned Prime Minister invited Roy to no. 10 Downing Street where he was entrusted with restoring England's battered reputation in Europe (possibly this only happened in the comic).

Anyway, I found his 1979 annual down the market on Sunday. Here are just some of the highlights.

Mike's Mini Men. On the eve of the big tournament, Dad mistakenly donates Mike Dailey's seemingly supernaturally-enhanced Subbuteo team to a children's home!

Roy's Goal Game. You'll need a dice.

Simon's secret. He's bionic.

Tommy's Troubles. The Crowhurst hot-shot looks like a badly drawn girl, but that's only the half of it. He's been sent to a manly rugby-playing school!

"Rovers Are Rubbish!" Short story. Melchester Rovers are beaten at home by bottom of the league Alverchurch. Only Roy can hold his head up after a shameful performance like that. Worse is to follow when they capitulate at Molton the following week. In the heat of the moment, an angry Racey foolishly promises to sign for the mega-rich Sheikh of Raskhala's "Arab team" if Rovers are knocked out of the F. A. Cup to Eastoke on Saturday. Could this be the end of a beautiful love affair?

How It's Made. Factual. Newcastle United's shirts are designed using complicated machinery, with eagle-eyed supervisors checking every stage of the process.

When England Ruled The World. Mandatory reminder that we won the world cup in 1966, Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick and his so called 'controversial' second was at least a mile over the line.

Roy Of The Rovers. Somebody has been playing nasty pranks on the Melchester talisman and its putting him off his game. Who could possibly bear him a grudge, and why?

The Football. It's magic and it belongs to young Bob Richards. Some long haired yobs nick it, but the police are soon on their tails!

The Roy Race Talk In. Roy reminisces over those few great F. A. Cup finals not won by Melchester Rovers.

The Safest Hands In Football. Gordon 'The Cat' Steward of Tynefield City and Britain, is charged with keeping the goal-crazy Brazilian strike force at bay.

The Hard Man. Johnny Dexter, Danefield United's fearsome midfield enforcer, single-bootedly annihilates Thaxton's brutal rearguard in an X-rated grudge match.

Roy Race's Schooldays. He played football a lot. Also Coach Ward wrongly accused him of "hooliganism" when he tried to get even with the official school sneak. Happily all is resolved in time for future Melchester legends Racey and Blackie to appear in the Christmas panto!

[ripper]

I came very late to Roy Race's adventures--probably around 1973. The only thing I can remember is one time he moves the ball past a particularly dirty defender with whom he has a fierce rivalry and is bang on to put the ball past the keeper. Instead, he stops, taunts his rival and goes back a bit and gives the opposing player another chance to bring him down. Of course, Roy again beats him easily, avoiding his clumsy tackle, and this time he shoots the ball into the net.

There were so many comics around at this time that it was so difficult to decide which to buy. Most of the titles that I bought are now sadly long gone.

[dem]

Had a browse through five or six 2015 annuals in Sainsburys recently and they were uniformly awful! "Worse than the Count Dracula Fan Club Joke Book" are words I hoped never to find myself typing, but standards have declined alarmingly since peak-period Whizzer & Chips, Shiver & Shake, Whoopee! and the magnificent Misty. I've a mental age of approx. eight months but these were too shallow even for me. Racey may have been too sickly sweet to take much of the time but in later years he took many a walk on the dark side - sadly, I never got to see the "Great Melchester Massacre" issue wherein eight of the squad were accidentally killed by Middle Eastern terrorists (!) (19 July 1986) - and at least he had story-lines.

[Craig Herbertson]

Dec 10, 2014 12:44:20 GMT dem said:

Had a browse through five or six 2015 annuals in Sainsburys recently and they were uniformly awful! "Worse than the Count Dracula Fan Club Joke Book" are words I hoped never to find myself typing, but standards have declined alarmingly since peak-period Whizzer & Chips, Shiver & Shake, Whoopee! and the magnificent Misty. I've a mental age of approx. eight months but these were too shallow even for me. Racey may have been too sickly sweet to take much of the time but in later years he took many a walk on the dark side - sadly, I never got to see the "Great Melchester Massacre" issue wherein eight of the squad were accidentally killed by Middle Eastern terrorists (!) (19 July 1986) - and at least he had story-lines.

Cling on Dem. Oor Wullie and The Broons went through a dreadful patch but recovered eventually

[ripper]

Dem, I didn't know that annuals were still being produced. From the late 60s until the late 70s I would invariably find 3 or 4 among my Christmas presents from various relatives. I thought the annual had bitten the dust many years ago, along with most of the comics.

[pulphack]

It's surprising, Rip - many of them are tie-in and franchise titles, as always was, but the good old Beano still has one, as do Oour Wullie and the Broons (as mentioned by Craig). I also noticed in Sainsburys that there were a number of 'retro' titles being flogged to the mums and dads, with annuals that were 'best of's for older, vanished comics. Of course, this was a week or two back and I'm buggered if I can remember which ones, but I'll bet Fleetway titles as Carlton are doing good business out of plundering the Fleetway archives. Have a look next time you venture into one of the bigger branches, you might get a shock! I know I did!

[ripper]

That's very interesting, Pulphack. I can imagine the retro titles being popular with the mums and dads craving some nostalgia. As you say, the tie-ins to TV shows and pop stars have always been around, though I didn't seem to get many as gifts; rather, it was the more established titles. I shall have to have a look in our local supermarket to see what's there. That's another thing; 30 years ago it was Woolworths or larger branches of newsagents who sold annuals. I can't remember any of the supermarkets around here selling them.

[ripper]

I think it is a "Best of Whizzer and Chips" that Sainsbury's are stocking, plus possibly bests of 70s girls' comics and Battle.

[ripper]

A little more information. Apparently, there are also bests of the Beezer, Topper, Hotspur, Bunty and Roy of the Rovers. I am not quite sure if all these "Best of" collections are selections from the weekly comics or from the annuals.

[dem]

Dec 11, 2014 17:39:05 GMT ripper said:

A little more information. Apparently, there are also bests of the Beezer, Topper, Hotspur, Bunty and Roy of the Rovers. I am not quite sure if all these "Best of" collections are selections from the weekly comics or from the annuals.

I certainly didn't see any of them on last slouch through Sainsburys, just the "tie-in and franchise titles" as mentioned by pulphack. They're annuals, rip, but not as we know them. It speaks volumes that specific titles instantly vanish from memory. Will likely be back in there tomorrow so I'll note down a few names. Those you describe sound like they are published by Egmont who, i believe, bought the rights to Roy Of The Rovers, Misty and several others.

[ripper]

Spot on, Dem. Some are published by Egmont, with the others by D.C. Thompson. Not sure if it is true but I read that only some branches of Sainsbury's are stocking these annuals. Mrs R is, weather permitting, going shopping tomorrow, so I will ask her to take a look in our local branch, though as it is fairly small I am not expecting them to be there.

[dem]

Further investigation reveals that the Sainsburys Whitechapel tie-in/ franchise assortment includes Horrible Histories,Angry Bird, Hello Kitty,and One Direction. For the discerning/ old codgers, there's Best Of Battle, Best Of Warlord (£2.50 each), and a most welcome if slimline Best of 70's Girls Comics sampling Misty, Jinty, Tammy and Sally (£3.50).

Afterwards, visited Spitalfields Crypt Charity Shop and struck gold with:

Melissa Hyland (Editor) - Hospital Nurse Picture Library: Love on Ward B (Prion, 2008)

Just about to start the opening story, Naughty Nurse ...

[ripper]

Sadly, as I predicted in my previous post, Mrs R confirmed that our small local Sainsbury's were completely bereft of any annuals. But all is not lost as she is planning a trip to our second city, so maybe a larger Sainsbury's will have some in stock. I didn't know there was a Best of Warlord. I used to like Union Jack Jackson (the Royal Marine in a group of American Marines) and that one about the enobled spy...Lord Peter Flint or something like that; he was the Warlord of the comic's title if I remember correctly, and got lots of Four Feathers-type grief from his peers as they thought he was swinging the lead instead of doing his bit for his country.

I don't know if it is the same as what you picked up, Dem, but I vaguely remember coming across some picture library stories for girls in a jumble sale probably 30 years ago. They were the same size as the Commando books but at the time I only briefly glanced at them, though now I would buy all that they had, but at the time you just don't realise.

[dem]

Dec 12, 2014 14:01:01 GMT ripper said:

I don't know if it is the same as what you picked up, Dem, but I vaguely remember coming across some picture library stories for girls in a jumble sale probably 30 years ago. They were the same size as the Commando books but at the time I only briefly glanced at them, though now I would buy all that they had, but at the time you just don't realise.

It's not the books & magazines I overlooked at the time that gnaw at me, it's the veritable treasure trove I foolishly charity-shopped only a matter of weeks before we began this stuff, v. little of which I've been able to replace. A case in point being a stand alone paperback of Carmilla boasting the most gloriously ill-drawn cover illustration I've ever seen. Whatever was I thinking?

Then again, what the guardian angel of paperback dependants takes away with one hand, he or she compensates with the other, and this six strip Hospital Nurse Romance Library anthology goes some way to soothing the pain, even if opening story Naughty Nurse (Hospital Nurse Romance Library #10, June 1964) falls some way short of fulfilling expectation. We are introduced to young Sally Brown and her best pal Maureen Evans, probationary nurses at General Hospital whose shared goals in life are to find Mr Right and save lots of lives while doing so. The "Naughty Nurse" is presumably new-girl Joyce Trent, every bit as husband-hungry as Maureen but catty with it and, initially, hopeless at her job. Joyce is particularly spiteful toward sensible-but-square Reggie the chiropodist who, despite himself, is smitten by her. Into this smouldering hot bed of passion slinks Thomas Mitchell, the famous pop song writer. Mitchell, recovering from life-saving surgery, flirts outrageously with all the young nurses. Even Sally has to admit he's a hunk and she and Maureen almost fall out over him! Eventually Maureen comes to agree with Sally that the star patient is "a regular blue-beard," playing one girl against the other. Sally soon gets to the root of his problem; Mitchell is pining for his lost love, Ursula Lars - "I used to compose her songs" - so he's out to get even on girls by breaking as many hearts as he can. Can Sally make everything nice again?

First Love. (Hospital Nurse Romance Library # 14, August 1964). As I live and breathe, a football-themed story, although the girls are spared participation in the big match itself, more's the pity. Opposing centre-forwards Percival Pearman and David somebody are former best-friends turned sworn enemies. The reason - ain't it always the way? - a WOMAN. Not just any woman but glamorous model Clarissa. Sally is dragged along to the match by Maureen who is shaping to get her claws into Bert Braddon, the dishy goalkeeper. Percy, "one of the country's finest players," suffers a shattered kneecap in a 50/50 challenge with his former pal and, for all the efforts of General Hospital's finest, his career is finished. Embittered and morose, he takes out his hurt on all and sundry until meddlesome Sally intervenes to play match-maker and gain him back the real love of his life, a homely farm-girl he left behind to concentrate on his sporting goals.

Incidentally, someone around here appears to have gone right off nurses because this morning I nabbed;

Rosie Dixon - Confessions Of A Night Nurse (Futura, 1974)

Blurb
Things That Go Bump In The Night
IT WASN'T A QUESTION OF LOSING HER VIRGINITY SO MUCH AS MISLAYING IT.

Rosie Dixon really did want to save herself for Mr. Right but things had a habit of getting on top of her.
Like that party which got out of hand and made her parents so angry they asked her to leave home.
Not to worry. Queen Adelaide's Hospital always had room for a warmhearted girl with a willing pair of hands.
At a big hospital like that she couldn't help bumping into men. Rosie soon made a name for herself as every patient's dream, matron's nightmare and doctor's dilemma.