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Post by dem on Jul 9, 2013 10:12:40 GMT
With the unqualified success that was Vault's confederations cup coverage still festering in the memory (i.e., several hundred posts, zero views; even plagiarist of dem struggled for anything to swipe, etc), dare we tempt fate, commit to a SECOND major football tournament in as many months? To be specific, dare we tackle .... Answer: We don't know yet.England's men have a proud unblemished record in the European Championship - we've never looked remotely capable of winning it. But England's women have twice reached the final, losing on penalties to hosts Sweden n 1984's inaugural competition, crashing 6-2 to the imperious Germans in Finland four years ago. Will it be a case of third time lucky? A twelve team, three group competition. The top two from each group qualify for last eight, as do two best performing third-placed teams. Germany, seven-times Euro champs, are outright favourites to make it seven, and Sweden (who recently walloped England 4-1 in a friendly), will surely provide a strong challenge on home soil. On paper, Hope Powell's finest should have more than enough to progress to the last eight. England have been drawn in Group C alongside Russian (the lowest-ranked team: current FIFA listing has them at 22nd), French (6th, a place above us), and, thanks to a dramatic, last gasp play-off victory against Scotland, Spain (18th). BUT FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON GRASS, NOT PAPER, and THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN "EASY" INTERNATIONAL. At time of writing, there is no certainty we will be able to offer same standard of expert analysis you've grown accustomed to from previous tournaments, as the BBC are screening but a measly sixteen matches, and anyway, some fixtures may clash with Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman which no self-respecting Vault member would miss for love nor money. But we will do our best!!!! The tournament kicks off this Wednesday, 10th July, (i,e., tomorrow) with Finland facing Italy, followed by a tasty looking all-Scandinavian battle between the hosts and Denmark (BBC3, 7.00pm). Battle Of The Sexes  Miss Small is congratulated after netting her controversial equaliser.: The gloriously named Nettie Honeyball, later to become first secretary of the English Ladies Football team, organised competitive match between female teams representing the North and the South. The game was played in Crouch End, where t' Northern lasses romped home 7-1. The women's game was born. 1917. At Elm park, then home to Reading F.C. In defiance of an FA ruling stating that soppy girls and men could not compete on the same pitch , a woman's XI took on a scratch side comprised of Canadian male soldiers. To give the little ladies a chance, the men sportingly played with one arm behind their back. It worked. The ladies stuffed them 8-5 with Miss Barrell helping herself to a hat-trick. In the post-match interview, the servicemen told Motty they'd not been trying, they'd been denied three blatant penalties, there was a foul in the build up to Miss Wragg's opener, Miss Small was yards offside when she netted the fifth, and anyway, they were all suffering injuries sustained in combat.  Miss Barrell invents the "Brazilian bender.". Preston-based munitions factory team, The Dick, Kerr Ladies attract 53, 000 to Goodison Park for their Boxing Day clash with St. Helens Ladies. The FA promptly ban the women's game. Earlier that same year, the Ladies had defeated the much-fancied French 2-0 at Deepdale in first womens' international. Undeterred by the home ban, the rebels tour Europe and America where, in 1922, they lose 6-5 to reigning mens American Soccer League champions, Philadelphia Field Club. (All true).  Back of the net! Geoff Hurst's extra time scorcher put's England in front at Wembley.: Trailblazers Dick, Kerr's Ladies F.C. (aka Preston Ladies) formally disband. Such is the relief of the men's international team, they win the World Cup for first and only time the following year. 1970: Spartacus Deutro Belles hit full strength Brazil men's team for seven without reply to win inaugural Bert Millichip trophy. Sepp Blatter orders result to be hushed up and expunged from record books. Women's football banned forever. 1973-4: A Playboy Bunnies XI, managed by 'Big Mal' Allison, take on 'Battle For The Planet of The Apes' first team at Hurlington Park Stadium, Fulham. Sepp Blatter is impressed. "Phwoar, this is more like it!" There is now talk of lifting the ban ...  Game of shame. The Basildon Bashers drag a proud sport into the gutter. The Basildon Bashers defeat the Luxton & District Bus Depot by twenty-eight goals to one. Might have been a different story had not Stan Butler inadvertently crocked Arsenal's Bob McNab in training. Match notorious for the Bashers' cynical disregard for the rules, Blakey's incompetent refereeing, and Olive's well-taken own goal after she'd nonchalantly scythed down a Basher in the penalty area. After the game, a visibly shaken 'Chalkie' tells Motty: "It was total war out there, worse than the Racing Club-Celtic World Club Championship play off." Sepp Blatter investigates and ban is extended by a further 100 years.  "Women should be in the kitchen, the discotheque and boutique, but not in football" - Ron 'Big Ron' Atkinson. ; Women are allowed to have their own domestic league as long as they promise to stop playing against men and showing them up. 1994: Diana Ross fails to score in giant inflatable goal during World Cup USA 94 opening ceremony. At least she made it to the tournament, which was more than could be said for England. 1999 After netting decisive penalty for USA against China in the Women's World Cup final, an overjoyed Brandi Chastain whips off her shirt. Sven-Göran Eriksson leads call for immediate global ban on the men's game. 2004: Sepp Blatter says he'll take women footballers seriously when they start wearing hot-pants and looking like proper birds. 2009: New Mexico hatchet-woman Elizabeth Lambert is widely condemned and indefinitely banned from women's game for hacking, karate-chopping, ponytail-yanking display versus BYU players in Mountain West Conference Tournament. Lambert's club receive $50m bid from Bayern Munich who see her as ideal replacement for Milan-bound Mark van Bommel. 2010--present: Female official Sian Massie runs the line in several high profile premiership clashes, shows up myopic male counterparts as shower of shite. ******************************* Yeah, I know. Live in a f**king wibbly wobbly world of my own, don't I? |
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Post by Craig Herbertson on Jul 9, 2013 10:25:10 GMT
'Yeah, I know. Live in a f**king wibbly wobbly world of my own, don't I?'
Perhaps Dem but having recently tried to get to the friendly between the ladies of Scotland and Germany (not entirely for footballing reasons) maybe I'm living next door.
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Post by franklinmarsh on Jul 9, 2013 12:19:32 GMT
It's the only place to be! I've always applauded the lengths you go to to lure unsuspecting women into this vicinity, and this latest is perhaps the best yet - and will undoubtedly share the same success rate as the others. That postcard by 'Taylor' once again represents what Carter USM would no doubt call Commercial Fucking Suicide but you're always true to your roots, and the reports will undoubtedly prove at least as entertaining as the games themselves (however unchivalrous that sounds). I have recently read Herbert's The Jonah, Laymon's Body Rides and am currently thrilling to King's 'salem's Lot after enjoying the '79 TV version (as reported on the Confederations Cup thread), but I'm sure this area will prove more fertile ground.
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Post by dem on Jul 11, 2013 13:14:36 GMT
Best that we come clean from the start and admit dem knowledge of women's international football is even less all-encompassing than dem grasp of mens game, so have heavily relied upon tried and trusted recent Eurovision track record as form guide. Trouble is, this years was hardly a vintage competition, too many identikit, soulful balladeers in long, flowing frocks, too few acid trips made flesh (notable exception: Cezar, and his descent to the lower circles of Dante's Inferno. damn shame Romania failed to qualify for Euro 2013). As consequence, this tournament is very much a brave VA**T venture into unknown territory!!! GROUP A: opening fixtures.Finland 0 Italy 0: If BBC's three minute package was indeed representative of the highlights, then we can consider ourselves a shade fortunate they've opted against live screening every match. The Brides of Lordi managed not a single shot on target in entire match. Other notable absentees include diving, amateur dramatics, the waving of imaginary cards, gobbing, and vampire attacks on opponents. Talk about bringing the beautiful game into disrepute. Denmark 1 Sweden 1: This on the other hand, was a cracker. The FIFA rankings would have it that all the Swedes need do was turn up, but we knew these Eurovision superpowers were evenly matched. The home team began like their compatriot Loreli's 2012 trophy lifter, Euphoria: a bit ponderous, but quickly picked up until they threatened to overwhelm the competition. But Lotta Schelin, pin up girl of Swedish soccer, was having an off day, or rather, the superb Danish defence had her in their back pocket for entire 90 minutes. As the half progressed, it was the visitors who impressed and when Mariann Knudsen ran through entire Swedish back-line to calmly dink home the opener, they looked well placed to emulate barefoot chanteuse Emmelie de Forest' and do their illustrious hosts in own backyard. But ten minutes later Sweden were level with as route one a goal as we've seen since days of Fash the Bash and the Plough Lane mob; a free kick lumped half the length of pitch and straight onto head of Nilla Fischer, tallest player on field, to glance over tiny keeper Stina Petersen. But the diminutive shot-stopper would yet become heroine of the piece. The second half burst to life on 64 minutes when home keeper saved well twice in as many seconds, before her teammates broke and copped dubious penalty at other end. Golden girl's chance to shine, but super Stina guessed right and turned her weak shot around the post. Twenty minutes later, she did it again! This time it was Kosovare Asllani stepped up to the spot looking a sight more confident than had her strike partner, but result was the same. No question which side looked happiest on the final whistle. GROUP B: opening fixtures. Iceland V Norway
Germany V Netherlands Gary WestonGermany V Netherlands is one of man's games great grudge matches, so will be interesting to see if the enmity spills over into the womens' competition. Norway's Eurovision entries have been awarded coveted "Nul points" even more times than England. Will this second all-Scandi encounter end in goalless stalemate? |
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Post by dem on Jul 12, 2013 14:00:02 GMT
 Rachel's horror challenge And there was us thinking we'd already identified the tournament's Group of Draws. Bloody hell, football .... Iceland 1 Norway 1: Only saw meagre highlights package, but looked a sight more entertaining than tournament opener. Norway led for most of it through a well taken goal by Kristine Hegland and look to have had plenty of chances to run away with it until the ice maiden's Margaret Vidarsdottir gave the Germans a lesson in penalty taking five minutes from time. Germany 0 Netherlands 0: Pretty cynical stuff. The daughters of Nena may be second only behind USA in great scheme of the woman's game, but the tangerine dream-team made them look ordinary with mixture of tactical nous and steely, sometimes rough-house defending. German's proved they can dish it out too, resulting in festival of sly trips, deliberately mistimed tackles and serial ankle-tapping. Nothing quite as brutal as Rachel's x-rated revenge assault on David in Emmerdale (above) - potentially career-ending: no attempt to play the ball whatsoever - although hatchet woman Leonie Maier went into the book for what commentator euphemistically described as "taking Danielle van de Donk Van from behind." Feisty first half very watchable, but game lost sparkle after break as it became clear neither side had brought along their shooting boots. As with the Danes on previous evening, Dutch celebrated a job well done, hot favourites trudged off looking miffed with themselves, their red balloons burst to blazes. We like the look of Dutch midfield dynamo, Anouk Hoogendijk ! Group C Opening Fixtures: France V Russia
England V SpainWith injury hit Germany looking something other than world beaters (though never write them off), and the much-hyped Swede's a shade fortunate to take a point from their opening fixture, time for the fancied French floozies to put down a marker. We were going to scoff '"Russia? what have they ever done at Eurovision?" until we checked, found out something called Dima Bilan won it for them in 2008 with Believe, so we underestimate them at our peril.  Neville Chadwick Photography |
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rob4
Devils Coach Horse
Posts: 104
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Post by rob4 on Jul 12, 2013 18:20:35 GMT
c'mon england
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Post by dem on Jul 13, 2013 17:20:50 GMT
France 3 Russia 1: From highlights package, this was far more one-sided than scoreline suggests, with game good as won by half-time. Russia's late strike following comedy defensive howler, fell very much into the 'consolation' category. On this evidence, Les Blues will not be requiring services of Joe Le Taxi any time this side of the final. The twins of t.A.T.u., as many predicted, in danger of finding themselves Group C whipping girls. But having said that ... England 2 Spain 3 'Spain' and 'dark horses' have yet to be mentioned in same breath, but on this evidence, either England are really bad, or La Furia (i.e, 'The Fury', but it's in Spanish) have the look of a very capable team, particularly up front. A frantic opening saw danger woman Veronica Boquete break free to calmly slot Spain ahead on four minutes, only for Eniola Aluko to respond with near identical goal on eight, whereupon Hope Powell's growlers looked to have taken control. As if to underline their superiority,England arranged an impromptu 'who can nutmeg the most señoritas?' competition before tiring of the sport and opting to try score a second instead. Jill Scott let fly a twenty-five yard rasper which Ainhoa Tirapu - another pocket-size keeper - did well to turn over, and Fay White was only denied by a great block at near post. Half time, honours even, and every possibility it might stay that way. But .... After the break England's neat passing game took on a new dimension which mostly involved passing to their opponents who were not slow in taking advantage. Super-sub Alexia Putellas showed off her Barca credentials, repeatedly tormenting the English defence who could find no means of stopping her that did not involve picking up a yellow card. A lucky escape for our girls on 74 mins when keeper Karen Bardsley woefully misjudged a cross under no pressure whatsoever, but the otherwise excellent Vicky Losada blasted resulting sitter against the bar. It was merely a reprieve. When Jennifer Hermoso put Spain deservedly ahead five minutes from time, that looked to be it but, to their credit, England again hauled themselves level on 89 when Laura Bassett's hopeful flick evaded the outstretched arms of Tirapu. We seemed to have got out of jail - until, in final seconds of injury time, Bardsley crowned a nightmare 48 minutes by deflected Putellas header into own net via her very red face. On this showing, England are not far from a mirror image of the men's team. No shortage of commitment, bags of desire, even fleeting flashes of Scooch-like brilliance, but oh, do they give the ball away cheaply! Next match versus Russia (Monday) now very much must-win, or we'll be in danger of emulating Jemini's achievement iof ten years (!) ago in Latvia, exiting tournament on nul points. Tonight's fixtures: Group A Denmark V Italy
Finland V Sweden
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Post by Craig Herbertson on Jul 14, 2013 5:52:21 GMT
there's something wonderful about that photo which says everything you need to know about female goalkeeping.
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Post by dem on Jul 14, 2013 12:05:02 GMT
i'm no grass, but i'd just like to point out that CRAIG said - there's something wonderful about that photo which says everything you need to know about female goalkeeping. : Our first proper look at the brides of Lordi beyond three minutes of their deadlocked tournament opener and you sense they'd prefer we'd stuck with our Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman box sets rather than witness this right royal stuffing. Sweden, putting the disappointment of Wednesday's display behind them, quite simply pummeled their opponents for entire 90 minutes and that Fins keeper, Tinja-Riikka Korpela, looked leagues above those before her tells its own tale. But for her heroics, it could easily have been double figures. Unlikely goal machine Nila Fischer began the rout with a header on the quarter hour by which time the Swedes had already racked up nine corners and as many decent attempts on goal. The Fins boss hooked ineffectual no. 9 Marianna Tolvanen on the half hour, presumably because her nice pink Alice-band had failed to terrify the valkyrie back-line, but it made no difference, in fact, things were about to get a whole lot worse. Fischer made it two on 36 minutes, reacting smartly after Korpela did well to block Kosovare Asllani's screamer. Within 60 seconds, Ms Asllani added her name to the score sheet with deft header from the impressive Sofia Jakobsson's pin-point cross - party time for the 16,000 Gothenberg crowd, if not for their opponents who looked absolutely panic-stricken. With the game won, the Swedes could perhaps have been forgiven had they taken their foot off the gas in the second 45. They didn't. Golden girl Lotta Schelin finally threw off her shackles and found the net on the hour - cue the dancing girls - before finishing off a perfect night for the hosts on 87 with a neat header from a free kick. Still time for Korpela to make her finest save of the evening, denying Lisa Dahlkvis whose superbly struck curler had GOAL! written all over it. One-sided as it was, a very entertaining game. Even Big Zlat - we like big Zlat! - can't help but have been impressed. Denmark 1 Italy 2: Shame we didn't get to see this as the frustratingly brief highlights suggest early game of the tournament contender with a climax to rival thrilling last ten minutes of England-Spain. In terms of chances, Italy look to have bossed the first half and had a well-worked 'goal' correctly ruled out by eagle-eyed lines-woman for marginal offside, this after Pernille Harder had ballooned a sitter into row Z for the Danes. Second half, a great shot from Alessia Tuttino almost snapped the crossbar in half but the Azzurre finally broke through on 55, Melania Gabbiadini's shot deflecting off Denmark defender Line Røddik's globes to wrong-foot the keeper. Five minutes later it was two, sub Ilaria Mauro nodding home a rebound, but the Danes weren't about to throw in the towel. Mia Brogaard finished off a brilliant passing move to reduce the deficit on 66 and a barnstorming finish saw them come close to rescuing a point, Nadia Nadim's last gasp effort flying agonisingly wide of the post. With two best third team places up for grabs, they're not out of it yet. Pull off the win they're surely capable of versus the Fins on Tuesday should be enough regardless of what happens between Italy and Sweden (both good as through). Tonight's action: Group of Draws. Denmark V Netherlands. Have yet to sample 90 minutes of the Norwegians, but a disappointing draw with tiny Iceland will not have registered shock-waves among their opponents. On their showing versus the Germans, the tangerine terrors are the St. Trinian's of the piece - they've a nice blend of the bootgirl and the anarcho-ballerina about them and look good to collect three points from this encounter. Germany V Iceland. Live from 19.00, BBC3. On paper, hard to imagine anything other than a comfortable evening for the holders versus rank outsiders, but FOOTBALL IS NOT PLAYED ON PAPER. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING etc. |
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Post by Craig Herbertson on Jul 14, 2013 14:26:37 GMT
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Post by dem on Jul 14, 2013 17:32:06 GMT
The Finnish keeper, Tinja-Riikka Korpela, played out of her skin yesterday and I suspect she was the main reason for their unlikely point in opening game against Italy. There were times in last nights mismatch when it was like Abba at their imperious best versus, i don't know, a Geri Halliwell out-take compilation or something of equally dubious stature, and, but for her display it would have been double figures, no question. Earlier in the tournament, Denmark's pocket-sized Stina Petersen saved two, admittedly poor penalties against the Swedes to earn her side a draw. Really, the only notably ropey goalkeeping performance to date was the England stopper's second half blip versus Spain, but then, most of her teammates went AWOL after the break. |
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Post by Craig Herbertson on Jul 14, 2013 20:30:52 GMT
The Finnish keeper, Tinja-Riikka Korpela, played out of her skin yesterday and I suspect she was the main reason for their unlikely point in opening game against Italy. There were times in last nights mismatch when it was like Abba at their imperious best versus, i don't know, a Geri Halliwell out-take compilation or something of equally dubious stature, and, but for her display it would have been double figures, no question. Earlier in the tournament, Denmark's pocket-sized Stina Petersen saved two, admittedly poor penalties against the Swedes to earn her side a draw. Really, the only notably ropey goalkeeping performance to date was the England stopper's second half blip versus Spain, but then, most of her teammates went AWOL after the break. Dem, I'll take your raise on Tinja-Riikka Korpela but I'll see you the Icelandic goalkeeper against Germany today. |
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Post by dem on Jul 15, 2013 11:24:51 GMT
Dem, I'll take your raise on Tinja-Riikka Korpela but I'll see you the Icelandic goalkeeper against Germany today. : 'fraid i only caught the highlights, but yes, Gudbjörg Gunnarsdóttir looked to have something of T-RK about her, and needed it in the face of that onslaught. Bye bye, Group of draws. Germany officially back in business. Netherlands 0 Norway 1: I certainly didn't see this coming, any more than the Dutch keeper Loes Geurts saw Solveig Gulbrandsen's scorcher flying past her into the roof of the net. Brilliant goal. Looked like another exciting game, too. Today's Group C fixtures: England V Russia
France V SpainA festival of femme football today, with BBC2 screening the England-Russia six pointer from 4.30 pm, then switch to BBC3 for France v Spain. La belle dem sans merci absolutely thrilled to bits (smirk)! |
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Post by Craig Herbertson on Jul 15, 2013 17:22:19 GMT
I've been agonizing over whether it's okay for a Scotsman to support an English team and tonight's the night. Come on England girls. You know you have what it takes.
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Post by pulphack on Jul 16, 2013 5:45:11 GMT
It's good to see the Vault's proud tradition of coverage continuing with this thread. As any fule kno who supports proper football (ie non-premiership stuff), it's the peripherals that matter - who has the oddest hair, and do men still really wear those Frank Worhtington-style 'Barry Bendover' shorts - the ones that really live up to their name? This is the real deal, and anyone who sat through the last minute of Brentford vs Donny (you know who you are, Robert Bartram) knows the true horror of football.
We've got Carlisle away on opening day - it's usually a Tuesday night in January - and it's only a fortnight away!
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