Are You Being Served?

[dem]

Jeremy Lloyd - Are You Being Served? (Mayflower, 1976)

BBC Copyright photograph by John Green

Introduction

Camping In
Up Captain Peacock
Wedding Bells
His and Hers
Coffee Break
The Hand of Fate
The Clock

Blurb:
`I want to buy one of these for my fiancee,' said the young man. And he put his hand in his pocket and produced an enormous bra.
Mrs Slocumbe took the garment and gazed at it with pursed lips.
`She's a big girl, isn't she?'
`Blimey,'said Miss Brahms, 'storm in a B cup.'
`That will do,' said Mrs Slocumbe, `get out the forties, will you? The Kilimanjaro range.'

The cover photograph shows:
Mollie Sugden as Mrs Slocombe
Wendy Richard as Miss Brahms
Trevor Bannister as Mr Lucas
Nicholas Smith as Mr Rumbold
Larry Mal as Mr Mash
Arthur Brough as Mr Grainger
John Inman as Mr Humphries
Frank Thornton as Captain Peacock
in the BBC TV production of Are You Being Served?
Produced by David Croft[/b][/color]

"in this uncertain and rapidly changing world of inflation, strikes, hijackings, corruption and cinema audiences thirsting for Erotic Arabian Nights, Virgins on Venus, or lessons in How To Seduce a Vampire, it is reassuring to know that sanity still exists, that somewhere the 'Empire Spirit' still burns unconverted to North Sea Gas, that there is a world where authority still wears a white collar, a stern expression and, if it can afford it, a carnation.

The world is none other than GRACE BROTHERS DEPARTMENT STORE ...."

So begins Jeremy Lloyd's 180+ page spin-off from the smash hit BBC series Rather than write a new adventure for the nation's number one comedy heroes and heroines, Mr. Lloyd has chosen to novelize seven episodes from the first three series (i.e.: the Ron Goulart-Vampirella approach).

Camping In: "I was trying to get Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe together in the same tent."
"What?" said Mr. Rumbold aghast. "All three of you? This permissive society has really gone to your head, Peacock."

A wildcat transport strike obliges the staff to bed down for the night in the department store. Mr. Mash, bolshy shop steward, liberates several tents from the camping department but - oh dear, there aren't enough to go around and somebody will have to share! Much blood-vessel bursting mirth ensues as Mr. Mash struggles with his erections, doddery old Mr. Grainger leaves his flaps open, Mr. Lucas suggests he and Miss Brahms use the waterbed on the fourth floor ("Good idea. As long as you sleep inside it"), and Mrs. Slocombe frets "My pussy's going to go mad. I mean, it just won't know what's happened to me." Bonus laugh: an increasingly flustered Mr. Lucas attempting to take the inside leg measurement of a kilted comedy "Scotsman"' ("Thirty-two. Including the sporran").

Mr. Lloyd also wrote for The Dickie Henderson Show, The Harry Secombe Show, and The Thames TV Popular Whodunnit Detective Show (??), while "His film credits include Vampira (starring David Niven for Columbia)."

More to follow, God help you ....

[dem]

Today's thighslapping installment.

"Were you in the Naafi too, then?"

"Oh. No, no" said Mrs. Slocombe with a deprecating wave of her hand. "Although I was only a slip of a girl I was in the air-raid precautions. In fact, that's how I met my husband, during a raid .... With the bombs coming down it was awful. I will never forget seeing his face lit up by an incendiary, then he threw me down on my front and said - 'look out, here comes a big one."

"I suppose there wasn't much time for chatting up in those days," said Mr. Lucas.

Up Captain Peacock: In recognition of twenty years loyal service to Grace Brothers, Captain Peacock is presented with keys to both the executive dining suite and the executive washroom. This does not sit well with grumpy Mr. Grainger, who, despite his thirty five years in menswear is still slumming it in the staff bogs and subsidised canteen. Peackock's elevation in status goes to his head, making him more insufferable than ever. A fuming Mr. Grainger plots his downfall. Bonus belly laugh: A man with an invitation to a fancy dress party asks to try on a maternity gown. A thrilled, Mr. Humphrey's volunteers his assistance.

[dem]

The third story, Wedding Bells, having damn near finished me for good, thought I'd see how the man who also co-scripted 'Allo 'Allo fared on the big screen. It really would take a Lord Probert or Saucy or Ramsey or ANYBODY to do Mr. Lloyd's vampire comedy justice, but this will have to do until such times as they brave .....

Vampira (aka 'Old Dracula'), Columbia, 1974)

Didn't he used to be in Jethro Tull? Dracula prepares to dispense doom to tiresome hanger-on.

A Playboy Playmates in peril fang fest, scripted bty Jeremy Are You Being Served/ 'allo, 'allo Lloyd, and featuring the combined talents of, among others, David Niven, Teresa Graves, Peter Bayliss, Bernard Bresslaw, Nicky Henson, Veronica Carlson, Linda Hayden, Frank Thornton, Carol Cleveland, Penny Irving - you really can't fail, can you?

Transylvania, 1974. Dracula (Niven) and Maltravers, his faithful manservant (Bayliss), are moping around the Castle. It's fifty years on from the tragic accidental death of the Count's beloved, Vampira (Teresa Graves), and he's desperate to revive her. Al that's required is a simple transfusion of triple O negative but it's the rarest blood group and, for all the jugulars he's drained over the intervening half century, the Count is still to strike lucky. To speed up the process, he's thrown open the castle doors to pesky tourists, even shows them around himself since regular guide Helga (Linda Hayden) got all up herself and had to be disposed of Golden Shot fashion (ask your dead ancestors). Which is how things stand when Pottinger (Bresslaw0 and randy lens man Marc (Henson0 whisk the Playmates off to Transylvania for a photo session. After treating his guests to a night of cabaret (Maltravers shines as Erg the mad organist) and drugged wine, the Count take samples from the girls as they sleep and - bingo! Trouble is, Rose (Minah Bird), the million dollar donor, is BLACK and Vampira is resurrected as a j-j-j-jive-talking, disco haunting, bisexual Whitney Houston lookalike. You might expect Dracula to count his blessings, but he's mortified. What to do but head for Swinging London to locate the Playmates and effect a cure. Let's hope Vampira doesn't come over all thirsty and bite HIM, otherwise heaven knows what might happen?

Even if we overlook the obvious cringe-worthy moments - this is the Vault that knows no shame - Vampira still ain't very good. Too many of the stellar cast are wasted in pointless cameos. Linda Hayden as Helga is disposed of all too early. Frank Thornton (R. I. P.) comes and goes as a pompous estate agent. Brernard Bresslaw is given too little to do as the flapping Pottinger. A quick bra-flash and Carol Cleveland is off home, etc, etc.

If you're looking to watch something that's even less f**king hilarious than this "review" then Vampira/ Old Dracula is only a g**gle search away. Just be careful watch you wish for ...

[Johnlprobert]

Jun 10, 2013 11:22:45 GMT dem said:

Even if we overlook the obvious cringe-worthy moments - this is the Vault that knows no shame - Vampira still ain't very good. Too many of the stellar cast are wasted in pointless cameos. Linda Hayden as Helga is disposed of all too early. Frank Thornton (R. I. P.) comes and goes as a pompous estate agent. Brernard Bresslaw is given too little to do as the flapping Pottinger. A quick bra-flash and Carol Cleveland is off home, etc, etc.

Goodness me it's not. I watched this twice when I was young enough for this sort of rubbish to be on ITV & was wholly unimpressed even back then. The mad organist did raise a titter but I am sure it will come as no surprise to anyone that VAMPIRA is still without a UK DVD release. I have no desire to watch it again, even after all these years and the prospect of seeing LInda Hayden in it.

In the US it was titled OLD DRACULA and double billed with YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN.