The JLP Movie Review Page

[The Lurker In The Shadows]

Shows where my head's at (wedged), when I get JLP mixed up with FM, several letters out and one short... Tsk! Apologies!

I did try to watch Franco's "Vampyros Lesbos", but he even managed to make Lesbian Vampires seem dull, so I've avoided his work like the plague ever since.

[vaughan]

Oh, I've seen lots of rubbish cinema. Franco included. Some of his earlier work is good though.

I have Lust for Frankenstein on DVD here - and I could never trade that one away. It's definitely one of his worse, imo.

On the Buses though? Love them. And I'm not afraid to admit it. In fact, Ihave every episode on DVD, they're terrific! Of their time, of course. But the visions of the seaside postcard humour just touches a nostalgia bone. The movies are great (even if they steal most of the gags from the series).

[bushwick]

Just been reading some of these. Good stuff John.

Wholeheartedly agree with your analysis of '30 Days Of Night'. I despised it, and couldn't even sit through till the end. Just bad on so many levels, all veneer with nothing behind it. This is a textbook case of modern horror appearing to tick all the right boxes but failing miserably. I also thought Spanish movie 'REC' was crap, for similar reasons, and everyone seemed to love that too.

Have you seen the British movie from a couple of years ago called 'Broken'? Thought that was really good. Strong stuff that could get called 'torture porn' if one was misguided, but there's a lot more to it than that. If you 'enjoyed' Wolf Creek, then this one hits some of the same spots:

www.imdb.com/title/tt0454839/

You're a Norman J Warren fan aren't you? Have you seen 'Prey'? Have just acquired it but not watched it yet. It sounds completely insane:

www.imdb.com/title/tt0086872/

[Johnlprobert]

Thanks Bushwick! Oddly enough someone else recommended Broken to me this weekend so I'll have to pick that one up.

'Prey' is a lot of fun for a micro-budgeted shot on a weekend with only three actors lesbian cannibal alien SF/Horror romp! I've even got the soundtrack on CD!

[Dr Strange]

If you aren't opposed to actually going to a cinema to watch a film, then you might want to check out Orphan while it's running. I think you'd enjoy it... I know I did.

[Johnlprobert]

Planning to watch Orphan this week Dr Strange!

[The Lurker In The Shadows]

Me and the girlfriend went to see "Orphan" on Monday. I still have the claw marks in my neck from where she clung on while trying not to look during the scary bits. Apart from that, it was very enjoyable - great performances from all concerned, especially the kids.

[paulfinch]

Mar 3, 2009 12:50:47 GMT Johnlprobert said:

For anyone who's interested, I've been allowed to start a (very) random film review page courtesy of Gray Friar Press. The mixture of reviews up already should be a good indicator of the kind of thing I'll be waxing humorous about in the future. I figured as the emphasis will be on 1970s pictures filled with blood and lovely ladies there might be a few interested parties on here.

I'm prepared to do requests and yes I've already been asked to do 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' and 'He's Just Not That into You'.

Anyway, the link is:

www.grayfriarpress.com/films/index.html

John ... check out ANTICHRIST, then let us know what you think about it. Bit too arthouse for me, but good grief, there are some gross moments.

Paul

[Johnlprobert]

Hi Paul! Good to see you here! Your wish is my command:

The Guardian interview with LvT that I was given with my cinema ticket this afternoon called this film ‘disturbingly bonkers’, which of course made me all the more keen to see it. When the movie had finished, on the way out, a board had been erected where audience members were encouraged to put what they thought of the movie on Post-It notes. ‘Ridiculous’, ‘Boring’, and ‘Three seconds of porn, three seconds of mutilation, one hour forty two minutes of tedium’ tended to be the order of the day. And I must confess to having to side with my Bristol moviegoing companions. In fact Antichrist reminded me of the kind of art-house movies I used to catch on TV when I was young – the ones where nothing happened for seemingly hours before something unexpectedly graphic popped up by which time I was too anaesthetised by the excruciating tedium of what had gone before to be in the slightest bit bothered.

I am also beginning to wonder if I might be unshockable. Antichrist opens with a scene of lovemaking (including a single and as far as I could tell totally unnecessary penetration shot) intercut with the couple’s young son falling out of a window. It’s beautifully filmed and is in stark lyrical contrast to the rest of the picture. Consequently I wasn’t anywhere near as shocked by the little boy hitting a snow-covered pavement and sending up a flurry of white flakes as I would have been by his head smashing open on bone-dry concrete bleached white to make the blood show up better. I was actually deliberating this as the movie played but then perhaps I have no soul after all.

It’s when the husband and wife toddle off to the woods that the film grinds painfully to a halt, and not even talking self-mutilating animals can save the day. Sadly it’s painfully obvious that the leads are doomed from the moment we meet them, and no amount of clitoris snipping, bone drilling, testicle crushing or masturbating to the point of haemospermia (look it up or alternatively wait for an impromptu JLP bar lecture at FantasyCon) crammed into the last 20 minutes can do anything to change that. This movie has been compared to the works of David Lynch but whereas Lynch is a master of the school of creating surrealistic unease I get the feeling Lars von Trier is still sitting at the back of the class giggling through sticky fingers at the mention of genitalia.

This is my first LvT movie but despite what I’ve said above it won’t be my last. If only some of his sense of humour could actually make it to the screen (Paul Bettany’s story of how LvT embarrassed him in front of Nicole Kidman with vast amounts of pornography is priceless, and another one for the FCon bar of you haven’t heard it) I think it would improve his work immensely, and maybe it does in other pictures.

And very finally, what did I put on my post-it note? Something only the most obsessive of horror fans might appreciate:

“A lot like Norman J Warren’s Prey but without the lesbians and cannibalistic alien invasion”

I wonder if they’ll let me back in The Watershed Arts Centre.

[franklinmarsh]

JLP - he sees 'em so we don't have to.

I liked 30 Days Of Night - or the start of it anyway. I've got Broken on the to watch pile.

Franco - I like El Conde Dracula - have even seen it on the big screen (double-billed with Theatre Of Death). Recently got half an hour into Daughter Of Dracula before slumping unconcious - despite frantic lesbians. I suffered Vampire Killer Barbies - the pop-punk tunes were great - the fillum not so. I have Jack The Ripper to watch - some say Franco's best - although Jess must be one of the few directors to coax an uninteresting performance from Klaus Kinski in El Conde - and KK was playing a madman.
Also Blood Of Fu Manchu (dreary) and Castle Of Fu Manchu (marvellously Boys Own Paper awful)

[franklinmarsh]

I've only recently discovered the delights of Norman J Warren.
Inseminoid is tosh heaven. Terror isn't great. Prey is tops - allegedly owing a great deal to D H Lawrence's The Fox. Satan's Slave is a bit slow but has its moments.
Lurker - thanks for confusing me with His Lordship. I think I got the better deal. Mwa-ha!

[marksamuels]

I thought AntiChrist was great !

It was going around in my head for ages afterwards, and it was good fun trying to figure out what was going on.

I also liked the talking fox, but I know Lord P. compared it unfavourably to Basil Brush.

Nature is Chaos indeed.

Next film up to divide opinion? Paranormal Activity...

Made me scared to go to sleep after I'd watched it.

Mark S.

[paulfinch]

Nov 12, 2009 16:19:24 GMT marksamuels said:

I thought AntiChrist was great !

It was going around in my head for ages afterwards, and it was good fun trying to figure out what was going on.

I also liked the talking fox, but I know Lord P. compared it unfavourably to Basil Brush.

Nature is Chaos indeed.

Next film up to divide opinion? Paranormal Activity...

Made me scared to go to sleep after I'd watched it.

Mark S.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY is one I definitely fancy, though I'm getting increasingly wary of these "the scariest film you'll ever see' blurbs that keep appearing during the commercial breaks for MOST HAUNTED. This is about four films I've now seen this said about in the last year or so. Ironically, one of the others was ANTICHRIST. It didn't scare me at all, but it certainly disturbed me - and not necessarily in a good way.

From a purely personal perspective, a horror movie works if it entertains me. That's all I can really say. If it scares me to death - yep, it's definitely entertained me. If it's grossed me out with ultra-explicit violence but has still maintained a strong and compelling narrative - yep, it's entertained me. If it's totally horrible, filled with death, disease urban grime, etc, but this has contributed to a larger whole, which has given me that elusive 'horror high' that folk like us seek so constantly - yep, it's entertained me. But ANTICHRIST did none of these things. I'm well aware that this is a meaningful flick, and that LVT's track record does not put him in the video nasty cupboard, but aside from making me squirm during the smashing and snipping bits, I didn't find it particularly memorable. As I mentioned on another forum, I afterwards struck it from my Christmas list when I realised I had no desire at all to see it again - of course the irony of including such a movie on a Christmas list in the first place had become clear to me well before the end.

Interestingly, my wife and I and a bunch of like-minded friends, suitably plastered, watched both this movie and another one, TRICK R TREAT, on Halloween night. The latter, which was never intended to be more than a plastikit, 80s-style horror romp, probably had us all on the edge of our seats far more than the much-touted ANTICHRIST.

Still, each to their own. I've never been much of an intellectual, as those who know me will no doubt loudly certify.

[Steve]

Nov 12, 2009 14:46:12 GMT franklinmarsh said:

I've only recently discovered the delights of Norman J Warren.
Inseminoid is tosh heaven. Terror isn't great. Prey is tops - allegedly owing a great deal to D H Lawrence's The Fox. Satan's Slave is a bit slow but has its moments.

Recently watched Prey, Satan's Slave, Inseminoid and Bloody New Year in quick succession and, having previously been in two minds, had finally decided that Norman J Warren's standing as a 'poor man's Pete Walker' was probably more than fair - now I'm feeling like I should at least give Prey another go. Of all Warren's films Prey does seem to be the one that might benefit from repeated viewings. I can't help feeling that anyone returning to, say, Inseminoid in search of something they may have missed first time round (such as a coherent plot or a really good shot of Stephanie Beacham in her pants) is only going to be disappointed.

Not sure why but me and new horror films never really seem to hit it off. Maybe it's something else I can blame my ex-wife for... yeah, come to think of it she made me sit through Blair Witch Project that time, and that was rubbish. Then there was that other time when she rented Saw on DVD and I ended up falling asleep after about 10 minutes - what a waste of money that was... anyway, now any time I hear somebody saying that the likes of Paranormal Activity is "the scariest thing since The Blair Witch Project" needless to say it puts me right off. Don't know if I fancy this Anti-Christ or not - I've had more than enough intellectual porn and mutilation to last me really but did someone mention a talking fox?

[ripper]

If you want a fun "Alien rip-off" evening try Inseminoid, Galaxy of Terror and Titan Find back to back. I haven't seen Bloody New Year for so many years. I remember really enjoying it.