Mike Jahn - $6 Million Man: Secret of Bigfoot

[dem bones]

*still not back on-line indoors, but I just slipped a crafty disc into the computer at the internet shop as I felt a huge need to share this ...*

Mike Jahn - The Six Million Dollar Man: The Secret Of Bigfoot (Star, 1976)

I'll come clean from the off and admit that I wasn't at all enthused at the prospect of renewing my acquaintance with the Six Million Dollar Man. I mean, that God-awful, boring cover for starters. But - and here's a sentence I never thought I'd find myself typing this side of drooling senility - not only did I enjoy The Secret Of Bigfoot, I have no hesitation in recommending it as every bit the equal of, if not superior to, the mighty The Partridge Family #5: Terror By Night!

Colonel Steve Austin, a man barely alive, etc., is conducting some important geological survey in the mountains when his friends and colleagues, Doctors Ivan and Marlene Beckey are snatched, along with an important earthquake sensor, by something that leaves a footprint the size of a watermelon. Fortunately, one of the party, Tom Raintree, is a Native American, so he knows what they're up against.

"When I was a boy on the reservation, I once saw a man who had disappeared for many days here in the deep woods. My grandfather was the one who found him and brought him back. There was a footprint like this one nearby. My grandfather told me that the man had seen the Sasquatch - I'll never forget how that man looked .... his eyes, like those of a drugged man."

He looks very cross when he tells them this so nobody is allowed to laugh for fear of offending his feelings although Oscar Goldman, the mad scientist who rebuilt Steve after his outer space accident, can't help but stifle a chuckle at such naive superstitions.

The Sasquatch - "Bigfoot", as Steve helpfully translates - is said to prowl the timberline, so the bionic man splits from the others and heads up Battle Mountain because that's where the nearest one is.

Austin scrutinises the area with his super eye, somehow failing to noticed he's being watched by a third party. I expect you thought that 'Sasquatch' was somebody - the local mayor, perhaps, or a crooked school-ma'am - dressed up to scare people away from the treasure, but this is real life, not an episode of Scooby Doo, and Bigfoot is, of course, a nyosynthetic robot built and controlled by a trio of extra terrestrials. Spying on Steve from behind a bush, they immediately suss that he's bionic and decide to lure him to their secret underground complex to get a better look at him (the strikingly beautiful woman of the group, Shalon, is particularly keen on the idea). Ivan Beckey is of no further use to them so they wipe his memory and set him free. When he arrives back at camp, Tom Raintree recoils in horror because he recognises that blank look in Ivan's eyes. Like those of a drugged man, etc.

The Sasquatch attacks the camp, overturning a generator truck which dutifully bursts into flames, tossing a sentry into the trees and trashing equipment. Steve bombs after the beast and tries to involve it in a dialogue by making witty remarks, but the hairy humanoid just glares at him with it's white Satanic eyes, then, with a mighty roar, launches himself into attack! The pair are evenly matched until Austin pulls off his adversary's arm whereupon Sasquatch makes a burst for it's ice tunnel with his nemesis in pursuit, but it's all a trap! The Six Million Dollar man comes over all groggy and slumps to his knees. Just before he sinks into unconsciousness he realises the terrible truth. The Aliens have exposed him to a powerful strain of "elecrosleep"!

Shalon, who's been cooped up in the complex with stuffy scientists for two years, really comes into her own now she has a helpless bionic man with all his clothes off to examine. While she continues to bark out instructions to her colleagues in techno-speak ("Is the Opticon Scolometer on? Activate the Spectranalaser" and the ominous "Now I want to do a Ventricular probe", etc), it's a different story when she's addressing Steve: pretty smiles, fluttering lashes, drawing attention to her nice extra terrestrial knockers, the works.

"What makes a woman attractive in your world?"
"You're the ones who've been studying us" he said.
But she was persistent.
"Come on," she said, "tell me".
"Well, it depends on who you talk to. For me a woman needs intelligence, a sense of humour ...."
"And physical, shall we say, attributes?"
"Well, every little bit helps."

Cripes! Looks like she's gearing up to screw the arse off him!

To be continued

[dem bones]

"Hey. What you like removed this time? A foot?"

Wow, I just noticed this is adapted from a true life episode of the TV series "written by Kenneth Johnson". Could this be the same Ken Johnson responsible for the Zoltan, Hound Of Dracula novelisation? That would explain plenty.

Anyhow, the good news is, the ET's mean us no harm, although their leader, Apploy, gets off on the wrong foot with Colonel Austin when he gives it the big one about how much more mature his civilisation is than ours.

Awesome Steve isn't impressed:

"That's wonderful. That's really cute. You know, I get so sick and tired of these smug attitudes. On Earth, it seems that whenever someone envisions visiting aliens, they are inevitably so much more suave, cool, and humane than we poor fools. Just once, I'd like to see Earth visited by aliens who are loonies. You know, eccentric, really peculiar. Who every so often when walking down the street will get this undeniable urge to imitate a seagull."

Anyway, as events are shortly to prove, the space invaders are just a bunch of great big fairies with a fancy dan robot so perhaps they could explain how that makes them more grown up than us ? Besides, while Steve's been flirting with the saucy Shalon, his colleagues are having a terrible time of it. Their computer has worked out that San Francisco is going to be destroyed in an earthquake fifteen hours from now unless they detonate a small nuclear bomb under Battle Mountain - where Steve is still missing! Despite his regret at writing off $6m of tax-payers money, Oscar Goldman reluctantly gets onto the Pentagon to send him a nuke. The know-it-all ET's are having none of it: nothing must be allowed to damage their underground complex so, sorry, it's all very sad and everything, but we're gonna defuse the bomb and i'm afraid Southern California will have to be sacrificed. "We'll see about that!" thinks Steve, and he throws the protesting Shalon over his shoulder, and runs off to have another fight with Bigfoot. The bomb goes off! The complex collapses! Shalon's people are all injured and dying and buried under the rubble!

Time to teach these oh-so-superior space monsters a lesson in humility, not to mention good manners! Steve patches up his differences with Bigfoot and together they remove all the giant boulders and rescue everyone so a suitably contrite Shalon can administer her miracle drug and restore her colleagues to instant full health and fitness.

And so we reach the end of The Secret Of Bigfoot, but there's no need to feel sad as the good people at Star have generously appended a "thrilling sample" from the sixth book in the series, International Incident, and you can bet I've added it to my hit-list.

[jkdunham]

Jul 17, 2008 9:00:31 GMT dem bones said:

Wow, I just noticed this is adapted from a true life episode of the TV series "written by Kenneth Johnson". Could this be the same Ken Johnson responsible for the Zoltan, Hound Of Dracula novelisation? That would explain plenty.

As I understand it, i.e. vaguely, the Kenneth Johnson who wrote the episode this was adapted from is a writer/producer/what have you who also did The Bionic Woman, The Incredible Hulk, V, and that sort of carry on.

The Ken Johnson who wrote Zoltan, Hound Of Dracula and, I seem to remember, the Blue Sunshine novelisation, is Kenneth Rayner Johnson who did The Succubus and The Homunculus, as published by NEL c.1980ish. He also does 'occult' non-fiction about alchemy and the end of the world and stuff.

[helrunar]

Another literary treasure rescued from obscurity by Vault!

So not worthy,

H.