Peter Coleborn & Jan Edwards - Alchemy Press Book of Horror

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Peter Coleborn & Jan Edwards [eds.] - The Alchemy Press Book of Horrors (Alchemy Press, 2018)

Peter Coleborn

Ramsey Campbell - Some Kind of a Laugh
Storm Constantine - La Ténébreuse
Samantha Lee - The Worm
Stan Nicholls - Deadline
Marie O'Regan - Pretty Things
Gary McMahon - Guising
Peter Sutton - Masks
Debbie Bennett - The Fairest of Them All
Mike Chinn - Her Favourite Place
Phil Sloman - The Girl with Three Eyes
Tina Rath - Little People
Madhvi Ramani - Teufelsberg
Jenny Barber - Down Along the Backroads
James Brogden - The Trade-Up
Marion Pitman - The Apple Tree
Tony Richards - The Garbage Men
Stephen Laws - Get Worse Soon
Ralph Robert Moore - Peelers
Gail-Nina Anderson - An Eye for a Plastic Eye-Ball
Keris McDonald - Remember
Adrian Cole - Broken Billy
Cate Gardner - The Fullness of Her Belly
Suzanne Barbieri - In the Rough
Ray Cluley - Bluey
John Grant - Too Late

Contributor Notes

Blurb:

HORRORS
Twenty-five tales of horror and the weird, stories that encapsulate the dark, the desolate and the downright creepy. Stories that will send that quiver of anticipation and dread down your spine and stay with you long after the lights have gone out.
Who is Len Binn, a comedian or something worse? What secrets are locked away in Le Trénébreuse? The deadline for what? Who are the little people, the garbage men, the peelers? What horrors lie behind the masks? And what terrors are found down along the backroads?
With stories by Ramsey Campbell, Storm Constantine, Stephen Laws, Samantha Lee, Stan Nicholls, Tony Richards and many, many others.

I got on pretty good with Alchemy Press Book of Horror 2 and the monster-themed Alchemy Press Book of Horror 3, so this week will have a go at the series opener.

Ramsey Campbell - Some Kind Of A Laugh: Thirty years on from his heyday, comedian Len "How you bin?" Binns plays a comeback gig at the Grand Theatre. No fun for Bernard, a waiter whose unfortunate resemblance to the man makes his working life a misery. "How you bin?" "How you bin?" Has anyone ever told you, you look like him? Go on, say it, say "How you bin?" A terror tale suggested by Tommy Cooper's final performance?

Marion Pitman - The Apple Tree: Julie successfully hunts down a forgotten trove of folk songs and stories of the West Country, as collected by Eleanor Gray, a long-dead distant relative. Among the papers, Frank Baker's lyrics to a murder ballad, The Apple Tree, which must never be sung to a fiddle tune of the same name.

Marie O'Regan - Pretty Things: On a promiscuous pal's recommendation — "I've never seen so many babes" — John, recently split from latest girlfriend, visits a local club. Anguished white faces in the shadows try warning him against accompanying a black-haired dancer back to her place.

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Madhvi Ramani - Teufelsberg: Christian Finkel, a journalist very publicly fired from the New York Times for inventing news stories, relocates to Berlin to try save his career. The disappearance of a fellow reporter leads him to Teufelsberg, a small seemingly unremarkable town which, in crackpot circles, has acquired notoriety as Germany's Bermuda Triangle. Finkel's research - as far as it goes - reveals a history of devil-worship and human sacrifice.

Stephen Laws - Get Worse Soon: Bargain-loving Colin impulsively buys a box of four anti-greeting cards from a local pound shop ("Yes - you're 'Quid's in' at the Quidstore!"). What on earth was he thinking, spending good money on such worthless tat? Still, mustn't let them go to waste. Colin mails the first to a despised aunt ....

Tina Rath - Little People: Is little Mehitabel Billington self-harming as her teacher suspects, or is it as the girl insists, that she's been slashed by the same little people who eviscerated her teddy bear for snitching?

Teufelsberg is personal favourite to date, though nothing remotely 'bad.'

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Peter Sutton - Masks: Shipwrecked castaways stranded on a sun-baked island conduct a monthly lottery. It's not one you want to win. An adult Lord of the Rings in miniature. Touch of the conte cruel about the ending, too. Very good.

Phil Sloman - The Girl with Three Eyes: The only person on the planet who knows truth and see's people for what they really are — hence the ever-present tinfoil helmet worn beneath his beanie — opens fire on fellow students in the canteen. The primary target is Amy Myers, on account of she has a third eye visible only to him.

James Brogden - The Trade-Up : "He'd read about it in the Daily Mail; organised criminals from Bulgaria or Stria or Whatthefuckistan sticking fake number plates on identical models of the owners' vehicles to commit robberies or worse. If they could do it with phones and credit cards they could definitely do it with cars."

Charlie, a henpecked travelling salesman, is confronted by a superior replica driving a pristine version of his clapped out VW Golf. With no room for two of him, the obsolete model has to go.

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Adrian Cole - Broken Billy: Miffed that Bran has taken a wife, and resentful of being punished for biting dead a crow, Broken Billy the scarecrow leads his fellow straw men in a bloody revolt. Reads like a forties pulp horror throwback. Loved the ending.

Keris McDonald - Remember: A job-hopping misanthrope finds contentment working at a Bradford animal shelter until a series of nocturnal abductions leaves him angry and frustrated. Tonight he keeps vigil, ready to batter who or what is making off with the rescue dogs.

John Grant - Too Late: Four years into marriage, Stevenage couple Griff and Heidi book a villa in the Spanish countryside for a fortnight. Griff, distraught at his wife's disinterest in him, suspects her of getting it on with the hunky youth who daily delivers provisions from the village store. Good thing he packed his binoculars! Griff takes to spying on both Heidi and an exhibitionist in a neighbouring garden who looks just like her.

The Adrian Cole is a lot of fun, and Teufelsberg, Masks, Get Worse Soon and Some Kind of a Laugh hit my spot, but otherwise I've struggled to get into Vol 1. It's like many of the authors were saving their best work for some place else.