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Post by ripper on Jul 22, 2021 12:50:18 GMT
Princess, Is your golem nuclear bomb proof? If you're going down to Florida to seek the Yeti, make sure you take a handkerchief sprinkled with lavender water to waft in front of your delicate, perfectly-shaped nose. Florida man-beasts are known as Skunk Apes there on account of their aversion to regular bathing. I've no idea if it is bomb proof, as I'm visiting in the year 1896, so the horror in question hasn't been invented by mad scientists yet. Perhaps my Royal Magician can tell you. I'll take a range of perfumes for the beast to try. I'll leave some samples and an address and it can get more from the Royal Perfume Maker by mail order if any take its fancy. If it has any level of civilisation then I'm assuming it will know English. Don't take any dud cheques from Skunk Apes, they're notorious for writing bad ones. Now, the financially prudent bigfoots of the Pacific North-West you can trust, just be ready to haggle like a boss.
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Post by ripper on Jul 22, 2021 13:08:03 GMT
Do you think you can persuade our American cousins to see the error of their ways and re-join the Empire under the benevolent rule of our dear queen? Just tell them that if they do it they'll all get a special box of Diamond Jubilee shortcake in 1897...surely that is worth giving up this silly notion of independence for? If they're still on the fence, throw in a photograph of Lord Salisbury in his combinations looking glum.
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 13:20:49 GMT
Do you think you can persuade our American cousins to see the error of their ways and re-join the Empire under the benevolent rule of our dear queen? Just tell them that if they do it they'll all get a special box of Diamond Jubilee shortcake in 1897...surely that is worth giving up this silly notion of independence for? If they're still on the fence, throw in a photograph of Lord Salisbury in his combinations looking glum. It's pretty lawless here. It's a good job I'm a pretty smart sharpshooter and the greatest swordswoman of the age, or it could get dangerous. I think they are too far gone for the Empire to help. The best we can do is offer sympathy, and a calming cup of tea.
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 13:43:19 GMT
No sign of any yeti, but I encountered a friendly swamp-man, who insisted on carrying me everywhere. Don't worry, I haven't fainted, it's the normal pose I take whenever a monster carries me around. We where taught it in finishing school, just in case we were ever in this sort of situation. A lady must be prepared for every eventuality.
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Post by Swampirella on Jul 22, 2021 13:45:34 GMT
No sign of any yeti, but I encountered a friendly swamp-man, who insisted on carrying me everywhere. "swamp man" you say? How friendly was he?
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 13:51:11 GMT
No sign of any yeti, but I encountered a friendly swamp-man, who insisted on carrying me everywhere. Don't worry, I haven't fainted, it's the normal pose I take whenever a monster carries me around. We where taught it in finishing school, just in case we were ever in this sort of situation. A lady must be prepared for every eventuality. "swamp man" you say? How friendly was he? You'll find out. I gave him your number.
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Post by ripper on Jul 22, 2021 14:09:18 GMT
Do you think you can persuade our American cousins to see the error of their ways and re-join the Empire under the benevolent rule of our dear queen? Just tell them that if they do it they'll all get a special box of Diamond Jubilee shortcake in 1897...surely that is worth giving up this silly notion of independence for? If they're still on the fence, throw in a photograph of Lord Salisbury in his combinations looking glum. It's pretty lawless here. It's a good job I'm a pretty smart sharpshooter and the greatest swordswoman of the age, or it could get dangerous. I think they are too far gone for the Empire to help. The best we can do is offer sympathy, and a calming cup of tea. I fear you are right, but let them know there will be no place for an American astronaut on the rocket that our scientists are bound to invent and send to the Moon any day now. They'll look pretty silly when the Union Jack flutters proudly in the gentle Lunar breeze, while our brave space explorers negotiate with the locals for mining rights in exchange for special boxes of shortcake, with our dear queen in traditional Lunar garb on the lid. If you are still in Florida you may care to investigate disturbing reports in the Thunderer that a certain Mr Walter Disney with backing from a Mr Michael Mouse and Miss Minnie Mouse are planning to construct a park where for a small remittance people can amuse themselves by riding on flying elephants, lose themselves in strange mazes, travel to the Caribbean to converse with pirates and investigate a house purported to be disturbed by spirits. Of course, it won't catch on here in dear old England, not when gratis the populace can see the heir-to-the throne consume prodigious quantities of pheasant, smoke enough cigars to distress a Cuban damsel rolling them on her thigh, and give salutations and guidance to ladies in the Haymarket. In fact, His Royal Highness has been so generous as to be seen offering them a few shillings. It has even been said that he has been attempting to give guidance to Lady Flashman, beloved wife of the bravest and noblest gentleman in the Empire.
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 14:49:40 GMT
After my swamp adventures in the land of the conquistadors, Florida, I (and golem) took the most modern form of transport, the train, Northwards, as we began our journey toward Canada, and British Civilisation. Soon we were on the great plains, as I was scanning the passing landscape for buffalo, we were attacked by bandits! It was the Wild Bill Helrunar, he had teamed up with the Ned Kelly gang! Apparently he couldn't bare to be parted from my beauty. Which is sweet of him, but alas, my prince awaits me back home in Grand Fenwick, so I had to decline. As a trained archer of uncommon skill, I decided to use them as target practice. Swiftly removing the hats of each in turn. Quickly they turned tail and were off! I waved a tear stained hankie as Wild Bill was revealed to be bald, and the long, marvellous hair he sported was nothing more than fake strands sewn into the lining of his stetson (hat for English readers). What wild men these "Yankie Doodles" are!
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 17:33:16 GMT
On the train journey we stopped off at Nashville, where I visited a local saloon, keen to see one of these dens of iniquity. While there, to blend in I showed off my sharpshooting skills. And as this was Nashville, I took in some traditional U.S. of A. music, a barber's shop quartet: The next day we continued out train journey North! Chicago here I come!
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Post by ripper on Jul 22, 2021 18:16:30 GMT
After my swamp adventures in the land of the conquistadors, Florida, I (and golem) took the most modern form of transport, the train, Northwards, as we began our journey toward Canada, and British Civilisation. Soon we were on the great plains, as I was scanning the passing landscape for buffalo, we were attacked by bandits! It was the Wild Bill Helrunar, he had teamed up with the Ned Kelly gang! Apparently he couldn't bare to be parted from my beauty. Which is sweet of him, but alas, my prince awaits me back home in Grand Fenwick, so I had to decline. As a trained archer of uncommon skill, I decided to use them as target practice. Swiftly removing the hats of each in turn. Quickly they turned tail and were off! I waved a tear stained hankie as Wild Bill was revealed to be bald, and the long, marvellous hair he sported was nothing more than fake strands sewn into the lining of his stetson (hat for English readers). What wild men these "Yankie Doodles" are! I've heard that Mr Kelly has a remarkable resemblance to a singer of popular music, though how one would know when he wore that iron helmet balaclava thingy I don't know. Anyway, nice to see him enjoying an excursion to our ex-colony from loyal Australia.
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 22, 2021 19:08:52 GMT
It's pretty lawless here. It's a good job I'm a pretty smart sharpshooter and the greatest swordswoman of the age, or it could get dangerous. I think they are too far gone for the Empire to help. The best we can do is offer sympathy, and a calming cup of tea. I fear you are right, but let them know there will be no place for an American astronaut on the rocket that our scientists are bound to invent and send to the Moon any day now. They'll look pretty silly when the Union Jack flutters proudly in the gentle Lunar breeze, while our brave space explorers negotiate with the locals for mining rights in exchange for special boxes of shortcake, with our dear queen in traditional Lunar garb on the lid. If you are still in Florida you may care to investigate disturbing reports in the Thunderer that a certain Mr Walter Disney with backing from a Mr Michael Mouse and Miss Minnie Mouse are planning to construct a park where for a small remittance people can amuse themselves by riding on flying elephants, lose themselves in strange mazes, travel to the Caribbean to converse with pirates and investigate a house purported to be disturbed by spirits. Of course, it won't catch on here in dear old England, not when gratis the populace can see the heir-to-the throne consume prodigious quantities of pheasant, smoke enough cigars to distress a Cuban damsel rolling them on her thigh, and give salutations and guidance to ladies in the Haymarket. In fact, His Royal Highness has been so generous as to be seen offering them a few shillings. It has even been said that he has been attempting to give guidance to Lady Flashman, beloved wife of the bravest and noblest gentleman in the Empire. I wonder what the world would be like in 2021 if in another universe the Empire Where the Sun Never Sets was no longer here? I wonder if London would look very different? Surerly these buildings and wonders would still be there? londonist.com/2011/11/unbuilt-london-tall-towers-and-strange-skyscraperswww.ianvisits.co.uk/blog/2018/08/05/unbuilt-london-the-railway-arcade-above-the-streets/
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 23, 2021 0:05:42 GMT
It's pretty lawless here. It's a good job I'm a pretty smart sharpshooter and the greatest swordswoman of the age, or it could get dangerous. I think they are too far gone for the Empire to help. The best we can do is offer sympathy, and a calming cup of tea. I fear you are right, but let them know there will be no place for an American astronaut on the rocket that our scientists are bound to invent and send to the Moon any day now. They'll look pretty silly when the Union Jack flutters proudly in the gentle Lunar breeze, while our brave space explorers negotiate with the locals for mining rights in exchange for special boxes of shortcake, with our dear queen in traditional Lunar garb on the lid. After arriving in the "Windy City" of Chicago I bought a paper from a young lad at the station entrance as my golem, Mother Superior, collected my bags. Imagine my thrill when I read the headline! WE DID IT! Our grand Empire had put not one, but TWO men on the MOON! I wiped a tear from my eye with a hankie, filing it away for use next time a knight went on a quest for me, sang God Save The Queen, and looked up past Chicago's skyscrapers, some of them six or even seven stories high, and imagined the brave boys up there, miles away, explaining to the natives that the Moon now belonged to us, as it is finder's keepers! Science is wonderful!
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 23, 2021 0:18:14 GMT
After freshening up at my hotel I took a brief stroll around the block to see what the Windy City had to offer, and was astonished to find that mobsters openly flaunted themselves on the street! Doesn't this place have Peelers?
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Post by šrincess šµuvstarr on Jul 23, 2021 0:27:14 GMT
Returning to my hotel to change into my third outfit of the day, I learned that I'd gotten back just in time, and could count myself lucky, as a curfew was in operation. A giant alligator was terrorizing the city! Join me tomorrow as I hunt the killer beast in the sewers of Chicago, and a famous figure makes a guest appearance!
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Post by ripper on Jul 23, 2021 15:19:37 GMT
I fear you are right, but let them know there will be no place for an American astronaut on the rocket that our scientists are bound to invent and send to the Moon any day now. They'll look pretty silly when the Union Jack flutters proudly in the gentle Lunar breeze, while our brave space explorers negotiate with the locals for mining rights in exchange for special boxes of shortcake, with our dear queen in traditional Lunar garb on the lid. After arriving in the "Windy City" of Chicago I bought a paper from a young lad at the station entrance as my golem, Mother Superior, collected my bags. Imagine my thrill when I read the headline! WE DID IT! Our grand Empire had put not one, but TWO men on the MOON! I wiped a tear from my eye with a hankie, filing it away for use next time a knight went on a quest for me, sang God Save The Queen, and looked up past Chicago's skyscrapers, some of them six or even seven stories high, and imagined the brave boys up there, miles away, explaining to the natives that the Moon now belonged to us, as it is finder's keepers! Science is wonderful! 7 stories? Is there enough air that far up or do those living and working at such a height have to wear breathing equipment? As well as boxes of shortcake, I hope that our Lunar pioneers have brought enough tea for the journey. I have grave doubts that the locals will be civilized enough to have the quality that British gentlemen are used to.
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