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Post by dem bones on Apr 22, 2017 8:08:44 GMT
R. Chetwynd-Hayes - Tales From The Haunted House (William Kimber, 1986) Eight for Dinner
Alice in Bellington Lane
Great-Grandad Is in the Attic
Next Door
The Phantom Axeman of Carleton Grange
The House on the Hill
A Clavering ChronicleBlurb: There would be eight for dinner. Of course there would. Molly planned her dinner parties conscientiously. It was part of her role as a wife. But this dinner party was to be quite, quite different.
The house in this opening story of R. Chetwynd-Hayes’s spine-chilling new collection of ghost stories is a perfectly normal modern one; the phantom axeman, however, haunts the stately Carlton Grange. This necessitates the services of Francis St. Clare, the self-proclaimed, world's only practising Psychic Detective. And in Clavering ghosts still spell doom to all who dwell on the site of the old manor house.
To a ghost, the setting is irrelevant. It may be one of these mansions; it may be the house on the hill, or the house next door — or maybe your house.Too many books on the go as per usual but couldn't resist sampling the opening story (very low-key as it turns out. The ghastly guests at Molly's dinner party include a vile femme fatale mother and daughter combo and the ghost of the latter's most recent victim). If I have the chronology right (doubtful), this was the ninth of his William Kimber collections and would not be the least surprised if it is just as patchy as its predecessors. Am particularly looking forward to latest instalment in the Clavering Grange saga, less so the returns of Kevin's risible Great-Grandad and ghostbusters Fran & Frederica (Dear God, but The Psychic Detective is one diabolically awful novel- am still undergoing intensive psychiatric therapy).
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Post by dem bones on Apr 28, 2017 5:04:19 GMT
A Clavering Chronicle: The inheritance from great-uncle proving markedly less substantial than he'd been led to believe, Michael Benfield, 28, is forced to seek gainful employment. Meanwhile Charles Sinclair is looking to recruit a bright young chap to catalogue his first editions. Generous salary, rent free accommodation, strong probability of sexual liaison with Linda, his comely, nineteen-year-old daughter. Money for old rope .... were it not for the fact that Grange Drive stands on the site of Clavering Grange (destroyed 1959), celebrated in its day as "the most haunted house in England." Michael quickly adapts to his new life among "the most delightfully looney family I'm ever likely to meet." Charles is a generous, easy-going employer, wife Elizabeth a gifted, if barking historian, and Linda spends every waking hour dressed like something out of The Belles of St. Trinians. "I can't actually say I was in love with her, but I most certainly fancied her. It might have been due to the gear her mother made her wear, which in some unexplained way created an aura of lusty innocence. The gym slip made me think of hockey, feasts in the dorm and sliding down knotted sheets to meet a boyfriend in the quad. Not to mention pictures in dodgy magazines."In time he even learns to take the profusion of ghosts in his stride. It's all going so well. If this is what work is all about, he should have got himself a job years ago! But fear not. The Sinclair's are not all they seem and come Black Souls Night the trio will reveal their treacherous designs! Not the strongest of the Clavering episodes. As is often the case with his work, Ronald writes himself down a blind alley until he has either to develop what he has as a novel or belatedly parachute in an emergency plot to get the job done inside forty pages. Given that The Psychic Detective was only seven years down the line we might count ourselves a little fortunate that he chose the latter option. Would still love to know which Chetwynd-Hayes stories were under consideration for the doomed Haunted House Of Hammer series back in 1990 as A Clavering Chronicle's array of tragic spectres and mildly raunchy goings-on might better suit a screen treatment. Dinner For Eight: Not the most glowing endorsement for the Teddington social circuit. Am doubtless reading too much into a relatively slight story but maybe the ghost is that of the author in his adolescence. Next Door: Hector and Julia Manning, three months wed, all loved up and just moved into their new semi-detached. Last night they made a solemn pledge. Whoever dies first, their ghost will return to keep the other company. Today Hector fell out of the window of a high rise office block. Months after the funeral, Hector has yet to keep his promise. Julia begins work as secretary to a dishy batchelor when her hedonistic neighbour and on-off friend, Adele Mitchell, complains of a party guest who won't leave .... Alice In Bellington Lane: Separated from her friends on a day out in the country, Alice Brodley asks directions of a passing comedy rustic who insists she follow the signpost to Bellington Lane. Having no better alternative, she complies, calls at one of the identical cottages, and .... that's the last we'll see of her. Moral. Never trust a Wurzel (and don't commit sins).
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Post by Swampirella on Apr 28, 2017 10:52:58 GMT
A Clavering Chronicle: The inheritance from great-uncle proving markedly less substantial than he'd been led to believe, Michael Benfield, 28, is forced to seek gainful employment. Meanwhile Charles Sinclair is looking to recruit a bright young chap to catalogue his first editions. Generous salary, rent free accommodation, strong probability of sexual liaison with Linda, his comely, nineteen-year-old daughter. Money for old rope .... were it not for the fact that Grange Drive stands on the site of Clavering Grange (destroyed 1959), celebrated in its day as "the most haunted house in England." Michael quickly adapts to his new life among "the most delightfully looney family I'm ever likely to meet." Charles is a generous, easy-going employer, wife Elizabeth a gifted, if barking historian, and Linda spends every waking hour dressed like something out of The Belles of St. Trinians. "I can't actually say I was in love with her, but I most certainly fancied her. It might have been due to the gear her mother made her wear, which in some unexplained way created an aura of lusty innocence. The gym slip made me think of hockey, feasts in the dorm and sliding down knotted sheets to meet a boyfriend in the quad. Not to mention pictures in dodgy magazines."In time he even learns to take the profusion of ghosts in his stride. It's all going so well. If this is what work is all about, he should have got himself a job years ago! But fear not. The Sinclair's are not all they seem and come Black Souls Night the trio will reveal their treacherous designs! Not the strongest of the Clavering episodes. As is often the case with his work, Ronald writes himself down a blind alley until he has either to develop what he has as a novel or belatedly parachute in an emergency plot to get the job done inside forty pages. Given that The Psychic Detective was only seven years down the line we might count ourselves a little fortunate that he chose the latter option. Would still love to know which Chetwynd-Hayes stories were under consideration for the doomed Haunted House Of Hammer series back in 1990 as A Clavering Chronicle's array of tragic spectres and mildly raunchy goings-on might better suit a screen treatment. Dinner For Eight: Not the most glowing endorsement for the Teddington social circuit. Am doubtless reading too much into a relatively slight story but maybe the ghost is that of the author in his adolescence. Next Door: Hector and Julia Manning, three months wed, all loved up and just moved into their new semi-detached. Last night they made a solemn pledge. Whoever dies first, their ghost will return to keep the other company. Today Hector fell out of the window of a high rise office block. Months after the funeral, Hector has yet to keep his promise. Julia begins work as secretary to a dishy batchelor when her hedonistic neighbour and on-off friend, Adele Mitchell, complains of a party guest who won't leave .... Alice In Bellington Lane: Separated from her friends on a day out in the country, Alice Brodley asks directions of a passing comedy rustic who insists she follow the signpost to Bellington Lane. Having no better alternative, she complies, calls at one of the identical cottages, and .... that's the last we'll see of her. Moral. Never trust a Wurzel (and don't commit sins). I just ordered a copy, thanks to your review. It's so cheap I wonder if it's been mis-priced but if not.....whopee! |
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Post by dem bones on Apr 29, 2017 6:22:21 GMT
Your "whopee!" may be premature ...
Great-Grandad In The Attic: The late Great Grand-dad refuses to travel "the star lanes," preferring the comfort of his cobwebbed old den up top of the house. Aunt Jennifer is determined to evict the cantankerous old bugger, not least because he neglected her in last will & testament. The stand off turns ugly when Uncle Michael is assaulted with a chamberpot while redecorating the attic, forcing eight-year-old Kevin to broker a truce.
Am perversely disappointed (and not a little concerned) at this story's failure to annoy me as much as it should. I guess with survival of The Psychic Detective comes immunity, although, having said that, a reunion with Fran & Fred looms ominously on the horizon (you can bet I'm putting off The Phantom Axeman .... 'til last). Kevin's favoured TV viewing, George McDonald And His Little Poppets and The Scott Masters Show (from the description, a dumbed down Sale Of The Century) unlikely to feature in Scarred For Life: Vol 2.
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Post by Swampirella on Apr 29, 2017 15:12:15 GMT
Your "whopee!" may be premature ... Great-Grandad In The Attic: The late Great Grand-dad refuses to travel "the star lanes," preferring the comfort of his cobwebbed old den up top of the house. Aunt Jennifer is determined to evict the cantankerous old bugger, not least because he neglected her in last will & testament. The stand off turns ugly when Uncle Michael is assaulted with a chamberpot while redecorating the attic, forcing eight-year-old Kevin to broker a truce. Am perversely disappointed (and not a little concerned) at this story's failure to annoy me as much as it should. I guess with survival of The Psychic Detective comes immunity, although, having said that, a reunion with Fran & Fred looms ominously on the horizon (you can bet I'm putting off The Phantom Axeman .... 'til last). Kevin's favoured TV viewing, George McDonald And His Little Poppets and The Scott Masters Show (from the description, a dumbed down Sale Of The Century) unlikely to feature in Scarred For Life: Vol 2. I like the sound of several stories (no matter what you might have thought of them  )so wanted to try them myself. They're certainly worth a gamble for less than $10. |
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Post by dem bones on Apr 29, 2017 17:48:44 GMT
Take no notice of me, Miss S! I'm having a lot more fun with Tales From The Haunted House than above drivel may suggest. I think it's fair to mention though that those who have already decided RCH is not for them can safely give this selection a miss - it really is very much a case of more of the same. For the rest of us, A Clavering Chronicle and this next 20 pager - which reworks elements from two of his greatest hits, It Came To Dinner and The Humgoo - go some way to rewarding our perseverance.
The House on the Hill: Mark Mellor, self-styled God's gift to womankind, cycles into the village, hits the pub and demands a room for the night. Much to his credit, Mr. Angel, supremely rude landlord of The Dark Man, good as tells him to go **** himself (they're not great ones for Londoners and "townies" in these parts). An irate Mellor instead chances his arm at decrepit Brogan House up top of the hill, where Hoskins the butler informs the master that they've a visitor wishes to stay here of his own free will. Sir Barton Hardwick welcomes Mark like a long lost son, and how fortuitous his arrival should coincide with the annual family get-together!
Mark agrees. He can hardly believe his luck ... until the guests arrive. Lady Estella. Cousin Camilla. That creepy Mortimer fellow. Christ, what a rum bunch! Why do they slobber over him so? It's indecent! And what's all this nonsense about "raffling" him? On the plus side, niece Charlotte, the last to arrive, is a bit of alright and it seems the attraction is mutual! "I must have him. I really must. He must ... must .... must be mine!"
The rest of the gruesome family grow mutinous. The clamour for the Mellor's flesh is by now so frantic that Hoskins is obliged to escort him to his room for his own safety. And lock the door. To give him some credit, the prisoner escapes, but his eye for the ladies proves his undoing. Rather than make a run for it while the going is good, Mellor holds back for a crack at Charlotte. Perhaps he can persuade her to come with him? Charlotte explains that, in case he'd not realised, she is long dead. The Hardwick clan are elementals, each desperately seeking a healthy young host body to claim for their own, the transfer .... sealed with a kiss.
Pop culture references are few and far between but spotted Joan Crawford, Dennis Wheatley, Carl Denham/ King Kong, Dornford Yates, 'Marks & Sparks,' and P.G. Wodehouse. Charon, the lugubrious ferryman on the Styx, has a cameo in at least two of the stories.
I've just done twenty pages of The Phantom Axeman of Carleton Grange but could take no more. Used to fancy her like crazy once, but me and Frederica 'Fred' Masters are SO over. Official.
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Post by dem bones on May 23, 2017 9:40:45 GMT
Duty calls ....
The Phantom Axeman Of Carlton Grange: The longest story in the book and, with the best will in the world, it feels that way when you're reading it. If there's one thing that Francis St. Clare and his equally irritating assistant Fredericka Masters are agreed upon it is that "there is only one Clavering Grange." Perhaps they should have told RCH because here he needlessly provides an inferior rip-off version multiply-haunted by (Dear God) "pimpkins, shiver-makers, and throat-strokers." Twenty pages of this is more than any vaguely sane reader is likely to bear, but perseverance is rewarded when Ronald unexpectedly lets loose a decent, thoroughly malevolent entity; the titular chopper-wielding giant who steps out from a wall in the shunned East Wing. We have lift off. We even have a semblance of a plot, allowing the author to rework The Devil Ride Out suspenseful showdown in the pentagram to rewarding effect. Sir Robert Ashell - the stock combustible old duffer who owns the haunted pile - is good value for the occasional politically incorrect outburst - "You know something, St. Clare. There's much to be said for the old days when a young man's father chose his wife. Damn me if there isn't. Young fellow is apt to go overboard for the first pretty face and mistake rank stupidity for girlish charm. So it was - for a bit." Lady Ashell is a frail, timid old dear ("I'd be much happier in a semi-detached around Twickenham way") who RCH packs off to a safe haven prior to the final conflict.
For this reader, Tales From The Haunted House is yet another archetypal Kimber-era RCH collection, at turns frustrating, inspired, fucking annoying, and, ultimately, strangely, perversely enjoyable. Am glad to have read it.
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)so wanted to try them myself. They're certainly worth a gamble for less than $10.