Euro 2012: Poland & Ukraine

[dem]

Jun 9, 2012 16:42:16 GMT valdemar said:

What I have NOT been watching, and WILL NOT be watching:
Anything to do with the bloody royal family, and anything connected with bastard football [22 of the worlds thickest people running up and down chasing a child's toy], or the London sodding olympics.
I have always been of the opinion that sport was created to give thick kids something to do rather than drawing in library books. I was quite shocked to find that I'm not the only person who has had this thought.

By popular demand! To celebrate Euro 2012, more frenzied football moments from yesteryear.

Filthy Foreign Johnnies!: Terry 'El Venner' Venner received a crash course in the dark arts when he left behind the scrupulously fair English league to take charge of South American hatchet men, Cabala. (The Animals, Football Picture Story Monthly, 1987)

The ugly face of the beautiful game Bye Bye Baby: Skinhead Angie takes out one of boyfriend Kenny 'Lefty' Lampton's hostile team mates during Wigford's crunch match versus Bilston Reserves. "The man responsible [for drawing that] ought to be hit over the head with a bottle himself" fumed Football League secretary Alan Hardaker. ("Look Out For Lefty!", Action, 1977 )

Musical Differences: Relations had not always been cordial between the volatile young lovers.

[dem]

Euro 2012 diary

Group A: Friday 8th June:
Commendably brief and relatively low key opening ceremony, condensing all that's great about the Eurovision song contest into just the ten minutes. A hundred dancing girls freak out to Chopin as performed by classical pianist Adam Gyorgy and the no less flamboyant DJ Karmatronic. Best bit: Adam rips off jacket to demonstrate negligible keepy-up skills.

Poland 1 Greece 1. On the eve of the match the Poles' Jakub Blaszczykowski growled "We can talk all sorts of things today, but tomorrow we have to go out and show what we have in our shorts." Whatever monster they had stuffed down there was sufficient to bludgeon their ultra-negative opponents into submission for 45 minutes, but the pulsating throbber failed to appear after nterval and the Greeks first excursion beyond the halfway line brought instant equaliser. The football wasn't up to much but an erratic referee, two goals, a double sending off (the first ridiculously harsh) and a saved penalty made for an entertaining tournament opener.

Later, Russia 4 Czech Republic 1 confirms that Group A is already a three-way battle for runners up spot.

Group B: Saturday 9th June:

Netherlands 0 Denmark 1: The much fancied Dutch miss approximately 25 decent chances, Michael Krohn-Dehli takes his, the Danes shut up shop and ease out game. Van Persie's textbook air shot sums it up. Mark van Bommel earns customary booking for innocuous premeditated assault on the Danes' midfielder Niki Zimling.

A typically "robust" Mark Van Bommel challenge.

Germany 1 Portugal 0: The joint favourites take 70 minutes to break down stubborn Portuguese resistance then survive late onslaught as Ronaldo & Co. belatedly decided to play them off the park. Portugal versus Netherlands, and Netherlands versus Germany now have ever greater 'filthiest game of tournament' potential.

Group C. Sunday 10th June:

Spain 1 Italy 1: Predictable stalemate between two sides who fancy their chances of going all the way. Sulky superstar Torres brief cameo has Spanish officials frantically checking on Adam Gyorgy's ancestry. The never dull Mario Balotelli created a great chance from nothing but decided he wanted to take a quick nap with immediate effect and open goal went begging.

Republic of Ireland 1 Croatia 3. Early defensive blunders kills the Irish, Roy Keane looks as though he may do same to rest of ITV panel before tournament is through. Croatia kit only marginally less gaudy than DJ Karmatronic's gold t-shirt and trainers. Slaven Bilic still cool customer but hat very bad fashion statement.

Group D. Today, 11th June:

England V France ....
Sweden V Ukraine

__________________

R.I.P. Jimmy Defoe

[dem]

Ok, so humour me.

Group D. Monday, 11th June:

England 1 France 1: Yes, France were all over us for much of the match and the combined talents of Benzina, Diarra and Franck Ribery (above) were a constant menace, but Roy's boys couldn't have done a better job of parking the bus if Saints Stan and Jack had returned from beyond the Cemetery Gates to do it for them! A very credible draw for against a side who could still go on to win it. The worry now is that the lunatic fringe (The Sun, Daily Mail etc) will hype us into champions elect before we can put in our traditional rabbit-in-headlights performance against the Swedes.

Sweden 1 Ukraine 2: Watching the two sides line up and it looked like some bizarre meeting of rival Hells Angel chapters, but these tattooed muthas can both play a bit. Sweden must still be wondering how they lost a game they were bossing until the head of Shev proved lightening can indeed strike twice.

Germany and Russia notwithstanding, my inner Criswell the Psychic tells me the team who eventually goes home with the trophy will come from the sides who have yet to register a win.

Group A. Tuesday, 12th June:

Later:

Czechoslovakia 2 Greece 1: Two gift-wrapped goals in the first five minutes saw the Czech's say "thanks very much!" and Greece somnambulating toward the trapdoor but, as was the case on Friday, the slow starters dragged themselves back into it after the break and might even have snatched a draw. Sadly for them, a lack of cutting edge meant they had only a consolation courtesy of a comedy mix up in the Czech defence to show for their perseverance and the Greeks now need to win their last match to have a slim chance of progressing. Fans of big girls blousery will have enjoyed some of the impressive theatrical writhing in this one.

Poland 1 Russia 1: A grudge match many believe outstrips even the bitter rivalries between Celtic and Rangers, Liverpool and Manchester Utd, Wealdstone and those f*#@!~'s from E***smead Stadium, etc., produced most exciting game of tournament to date. After that Jekyl & Hyde performance versus Greece, the Poles had it all to do against a superior team. A goal down at half time, they stuck at it and were rewarded when, true to his word, that man Jakub Blaszczykowski unleashed the monster in his shorts in the form of an 18 yard screamer.

As you were.

[dem]

can't help it, it's a compulsive disorder thing. just read something else.

Group B: Wednesday 13th June

Denmark 2 Portugal 3
A bruising encounter with both sides trading body checks and niggling fouls between sporadic outbreaks of football. It was like a throwback to "the bad old days of the 'seventies" (see below). Inspired by Nani at his tricky best, the Portuguese stormed into a 2-0 lead, then spend the rest of the game desperately trying to lose. Even Nicklas Pinkboots scored twice! And what's with CR7? Has he taken to modelling his game on Nando Torres? For first time in recent years, the 'geezers won despite, and not because of, their poster boy.

Sickening scenes; Planet Of The Apes FC defenders manhandle the Playboy Bunnies centre forward during a Fairs Cup quarter final in 1973. 'The Battle Of Hurlingham Park' would see the ground closed and both sides thrown out of Europe for two decades. Thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for the spinechilling photo.

The Portuguese traditionally exit a tournament in a flurry of red cards, and look who they've got in their last must-win group game. The genial, easy going Von Bommel, De Jong, Sneijder & Co ....

Germany 2 Netherlands 1

.... who, provided they win can still sneak through despite this second defeat. Mesut Ozil - who has something of the Cesare from The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari about him - ran the show for the super-confident Germans who look the best side in the tournament right now.

[dem]

Group C: Thursday 14th June

Croatia 1 Italy 1: The classy, much fancied Azzurri looked set for a comfortable win when Pirlo's thunderbolt free kick put them ahead, but Bilic's braves were a team transformed after the break and Mandzukic's 70th minute equaliser was no more than they deserved. Best foul of the day was the Darijo 'sinister' Srna's revenge assault on Motta (the old knee in the back, elbow in the head combo. Good technique).

Republic Of Ireland 0 Spain 4: Things his fellow ITV pundits would do well not to say within Roy Keane's earshot before the Republic play their final group match against the Italians on Monday.

"It's the taking part that counts"

"The Irish will have enjoyed the craic"

Moving discreetly on.

Group D: Friday 15th June

England V Sweden: Bonus Preview.

The country with the most dismal Eurovision Song Contest record in living memory versus that which provided 2012's runaway winner in the comely form of Loreen (above) following a months boot camp with only Kate Bush's Babooshka video for company. It will certainly be a case of Euphoria in this neck of the woods if Roy's boys can avenge Englebert's crushing humiliation, but we're traditionally rubbish against the Swedes and Zlatan Ibrahimovic's bruisers will be no pushover.

[andydecker]

Jun 15, 2012 7:31:04 GMT dem said:

2012's runaway winner in the comely form of Loreen (above) following a months boot camp with only Kate Bush's Babooshka video for company.

To quote the immortal Meat Loaf, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I just watched 10 seconds of this in the news, as I really, really, really don´t care about the Eurovision Song Context, and the first thought I had after seing Amphoria or whatever she is called was: wow, her dance-coach must really love Kate Bush.

[franklinmarsh]

Only Dem could shoehorn the best of silent horror cinema into a Euro 2012 thread, whilst simultaneous playing for the soon to exit Greek tragedy (shurely team), unless that was actually a five o'clock shadow cursed John Barrymore's Mr Hyde. As someone who saw the entertaining Englebert Humperdinck live (at Bally's Casino in Las Vegas no less) I'm all for him being avenged, but the Swedes, ramped up on Let The Right One In and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo will be formidable opposition. The poor Irish (who's fans paid tribute to Warwick Davis' finest cinematic horror creation) looked fragile (that'll teach you to send in Jedward twice!)against the rampant Spanish who could conceivably challenge Andy's countrymen as the side to beat in this tournament.
Italy looked fairly ropey last night too, and I've been on a Lucio Fulci tip recently.

[erebus]

Loving this thread.

Just goes to show why I'm not a betting man. My outside bet was the Dutch. And look what happens.

The Gerries look strong and probably are going to win the thing.
Anyway come on England, and heres to a 25yard Dipping volley from Danny Wellbeck.

[dem]

Jun 15, 2012 7:47:51 GMT andydecker said:

To quote the immortal Meat Loaf, you took the words right out of my mouth.

I just watched 10 seconds of this in the news, as I really, really, really don´t care about the Eurovision Song Context, and the first thought I had after seing Amphoria or whatever she is called was: wow, her dance-coach must really love Kate Bush.

Incredibly, Loreen's assault on the celestial Kate was far from the contest's most outrageous act of identity theft. Try sultry songstress Nina Zilli, above, and her re-imagining of Amy Winehouse as some bubbly karaoke MC all over a jaunty something called L'amore è femmina (my Italian is patchy but I believe it translates as "I've not a care in the world since I discovered Flouxetine Hypochloride - Wheeeee!")

I've had snatches of Frank Zappa's The Torture Never Stops reverberating around my brain since sitting through the Spain-Republic abomination. Spain at their best are a marvel to behold, and I love that their fluent passing game has been rewarded with entire world domination on a scale unseen since Kylie's globes were showing the form of their life, but watching them showboat through an entire 90 minutes of mis-match made my eyes bleed. I so want Croatia to do 'em now.

Any old excuse.

Back to the pre-match build up, and i'm happy to be joined in the studio by guest pundits, Erebus, our resident gourmet of gore, and Mr. Franklin Marsh, Britain's Dark Prince of post-match analysis. An edgy 90 minutes of France V Ukraine to fret through, and then it's the battle of big, tall, pony-tailed target men to end all battles of big, tall, pony-tailed target men. The nerves are already kicking in, but that's mainly because the first game is on ITV so we'll be at the mercy of that godawful bet365 advert with Ray Winstone and his amazing spinning head. "Sweet."

[franklinmarsh]

Good old Ray! It's a gambling -endorsed take on Robin Williams in Tel Gilliams The Adventures Of Baron Muchausen. I enjoyed the Italian Amy Winehouse, but then I enjoyed the Turkish gents turning themselves into a boat and Graham Norton claiming that the Brit corner with Union Jack draped Englebert and Arlene Phillips resembled a BNP rally.At least Mr Lordi was there to broadcast the Finnish vote. How come the TV directors always manage to focus on various Euro-Honeys with their countries flag tastefully painted onto their cheeks (not those cheeks despite Dem's picture) but the cameras at England's opening match always zoomed in on St George? Crikey. My hearts in my mouth. Erebus, is this your pint?

[dem]

Blimey, lightening stops play after only five minute in Donetsk! What a stroke of good fortune that our live transmission began in the players tunnel at the precise moment one of the Ukraine hard-nuts was exchanging pleasantries with Phantom-a-like Franck. I'm no multi-linguist but, judging by his hand gesture, the gist was something along the lines of "I believe you have been playing with your extremely small penis, Monsieur Ribery."

[erebus]

Well I'm not going to go into depth about Englands win. Thats Dem's job. But I told you Wellbeck would get us a goal.

Yep Its my round for booze. In fact put your money away lads I'm feeling magnanamous ( spelling ?? ) I found a quid on the way to work today.

Just a couple of observations. Have you noticied on the BBC when we cut back to the studio at half and full time, they have changed the musical jingle and logo to a more subtle quiet version, because Gary Lineker said it keeps on making him jump when it comes up. The big Jessie.

Yep I too noticied all the dolly birds for the other nations getting camera closeups. I had the very same conversation with my mate about this yesterday ( saw a cracking Irish one ) whilst we get tons of beer monsters and blokes in chainmail. Ah well it must please the birds back here at home

As for the Ray Winstone thing, never mind that , what About that Ladbrokes Italian fella. He's gone from kissing that fit looking blondie in the directors box in his last advert, to kicking a footy into Chris Kamara's face. And I have got to hold my hand up in embarrassment and say I believed Kamara was really promotiong pop before I saw all the ad

Liked how three quarters of the stadium tonight was Sweden fans. But there was a ten stewards facing the Swede fans, and about ten million lined up in front of the English. Its like you think we was hooligans or something.

Just a few queries and questions though. Is Danny Wellbeck related to Grace Jones ? Who would scare you most in a dark alley Lescott or Ribery ? Is it me or is Gabby Yorath a bit of allright ? Alan Hansen never had a scar on his head playing back in the day. So how do you get one once you become a pundit ? And can we put out an APB on Ashley Young. He seemed to go missing for 90 plus minutes for England tonight.

Oh Shit ! Ive lost my wallet. Dem's gonna have to get the next round. We're on Shorts now too. I'll have a JD and Coke.

[cauldronbrewer]

Jun 15, 2012 7:47:51 GMT andydecker said:

I just watched 10 seconds of this in the news, as I really, really, really don´t care about the Eurovision Song Context, and the first thought I had after seing Amphoria or whatever she is called was: wow, her dance-coach must really love Kate Bush.

Hey, who doesn't love Kate Bush?

[Jojo Lapin X]

Jun 16, 2012 1:38:55 GMT cauldronbrewer said:

Hey, who doesn't love Kate Bush?

That would be me. I enjoy a handful of her songs; the rest are really irritating.

[mattofthespurs]

Jun 15, 2012 21:24:19 GMT erebus said:

Alan Hansen never had a scar on his head playing back in the day. So how do you get one once you become a pundit ?

He got the scar after running through a plate glass door when he was about 15. Needed 27 stitches or so iirc.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the footie enormously.

Beats scribbling in library books and relieving book geeks of their dinner money I suppose.