Cliff Twemlow - The Pike

[dem]

Cliff Twemlow - The Pike (Hamlyn, 1982)

Blurb
FIRST VICTIMS -
A screeching swan...
A fisherman overboard...
A drunken woman in a dinghy...
One by one, the mysterious killer in Lake Windermere claims its terrified victims. Tearing off limbs with its monstrous teeth, horribly mutilating bodies.

Fear sweeps the peaceful holiday resort when experts identify the creature as a giant pike ... A hellish creature with the strength to rupture boats - and the anger to attack them.

But for some the terror becomes a bonanza - the traders who cater to the gathering crowds of ghouls on the shore. And they will do anything to stop the divers finding the killer.

Meanwhile the ripples of bloodshed widen...

In terms of the action, that short blurb is a spoiler for the first hundred pages of The Pike leaving me only sixty to ruin for you, though i'll do my best. The late Mr. Twemlow doesn't mess about; a mere dozen paragraphs in the swan goes down horribly and the terror of the Lake District is upon us. Before we can get to the increasingly grisly human deaths, Twemlow introduces some of the main players. Mike Watson writes for The Mirror but his promising career has stalled since the break-up of his marriage. When he learns that local angler Henry Brodie has had his face eaten by something lurking in Lake Windermere it galvanises him back to his best form. Soon he finds himself embroiled in a romance with Emma Mannering, the beautiful, rich grand-daughter of terminally apoplectic Major Pernell, and these two are enlisted into the crack team hunting what marine biologist Dr. John Wilmslow has identified as a 250lb man-eating pike. Joe, Larry and Lars, three adventurers/ undersea photographers from the US volunteer their services, but still the maiming and mayhem continues. Diana Wynter, a 24 hour drunk whose once happy marriage to Robert has descended a living hell for both, is so taken by the muscle-bound yanks, she strips to her undies and sets out in a dingy to locate their boat. Guess who is gonna wind up legless? With less than a third of the novel to run, Twemlow ropes in two more local characters, Will Dukes - local florist and lifelong fan of pike, barracuda, shark, etc., - and Ulysses 'Strongbow' Grant, dour, Scottish wildman of the lakeside, and unquestionably the star of the book. Come the day of the Miss Lakeland festival, the area is besieged by thrill-seeking tourists, trouble-making youth's and sundry bloodsport merchants all hoping to get a glimpse of the monster fish feasting on some luckless bastard. Local traders are coining it in - this during a time of recession - and are in no mood to allow the Pike-hunters to ruin such a golden business opportunity. The festival has riot potential and no mistake. One punch up with local skinheads later, our heroes set out on the lake and at last capture their prey ....

..... or has Twemlow merely thrown in the most outrageous twist since the lunatic revelations that close Sydney Horler's The Curse Of Doone?

The film, as we know, never did get made despite renaissance man Twemlow (1937-1993) enlisting the services of Joan Collins but he had more success with his other commercial ventures and, according to It's A Hot'un. Com is celebrated as "a Mancunian Legend. Bouncer, songwriter, author, filmmaker and actor, Cliff was known as the Man-Man-Man-Mancunian and is referred to affectionately nowadays as 'The Orson Welles of Salford'."

[erebus]

Where on God's Holy earth did this appear from ?
Never knew owt like this was even out there. Its great. Nice find Sir.

Soon to be a film ?? erm must be in limbo due to the budget and all.

[dem]

killercrab has been carrying a torch for The Pike (and Devour!) for years, so when the opportunity to land a copy arose ...

there's a more informative five posts re: The Pike (novel and doomed film) and Cliff Twemlow on Vault Mk I. It's a novel that delivers exactly what you expect from the comments - in fact, by the time you've read kc's review you've already written it in your own head - but in a good way, and i've turned up my spidey sense to 11 in the hope it can locate me a copy of his devil dog extravaganza, The Beast Of Kane

[jackball74]

I gotta get this...

[hugegadjit]

Never read this, although I did have the guy's autobiographical thing once about his murky life as a nightclub bouncer. So Devour isn't the only horror book about pike?! If nobody's yet written one about perch, maybe I'll get busy on Kindle!

[erebus]

Whilst casually walking past my carboot yesterday I had a quick glance mid stride at the huge pile of books on a chuck-on stall. It always has the usual big name High profile writers books on there . And and other subject matter too other than fiction. But there it was buried underneath a myriad of cook books and ex cricketer autobiographies. THE PIKE ! . I saw it getting tossed around like some stagnant carrion by the ignorant and unworthy customers and gathered it up with joy. I forked out the 50p and reflected on my luck.
Ive been looking for this bugger for years, to no avail. And then up it pops. The last thing on my mind. Those are always the best finds.
Another thing struck with me. These old Hamlyns and its cousins always seem to be in good shape even after all these years. Among the other fiction novels on the stall were the obvious King and Herbert all battered and bent, they were published long after THE PIKE.
It just seems old books were tough nuts back in the day. And no amount of throwing and hurling could tarnish them, unlike the wimps we get published today.
Theres neither a crease or a fold to the spine. Made my week finding this ( Yep ! I'm that sad ).

And this one doesn't have the red banner in the top right corner proclaiming the upcoming film. I gather it must be the first printing.

[killercrab]

Very enjoyable book - glad your copy's got a good home!

KC

[yy28]

I was routing around recently, looking for an old magazine cutting about the ill-fated movie version of The Pike (which included a nice photo of the mechanical- and rather ridiculous- giant fish). The bad news is that I seem to have lost it... But then I've just stumbled across this on YouTube!:

The Pike

[killercrab]

Awesome find - but my God but that looked terrible! Naturally I'd of watched it being a fan of the book.

KC

[erebus]

A big thumbs up to yy28 for finding the youtube vid. Great old stuff.

[funkdooby]

Wow, what a fantastic invention is this interweb malarkey. Just read the Cliff Twemlow Wiki entry and am astonished that not only was that his real name (I just assumed it was some kind of piss take pseudonym - I only ever hear the name 'Cliff Twemlow' in my head spoken in the voice of Jonathan Ross ), but that he lived a very intersting life indeed.

I had this novel once. Struggled to finish it, if I'm honest. Had no idea Cliff had written a second pulp horror title.

I've really missed the Vault and the various memories of the past it throws up. Very disappointing that The Pike movie never materialised. Would have been utterly awful to a point that would now be compulsive viewing

[weirdmonger]

There is a fascinating article by Martin Hayes in the book BOOKLORE (Zagava 2016) about Cliff Twemlow and his book THE PIKE.
Des

[dem]

Think we're all agreed - those of us who like this stuff, anyhow - that Mr. Twemlow hit the jackpot with The Pike. Could he repeat the trick with his devil moose-hound outing?

Cliff Twemlow - The Beast Of Kane (Hamlyn, 1983)

Blurb:
When the Gordon family open their door to a stray elk-hound, they unwillingly welcome in the forces of evil. For, according to the local priest, the huge dog is Satan himself, fulfilling an ancient prophecy.
But no one will believe this warning ... even when sheep - and wolves - are mysteriously slaughtered. Even when frenzied pets turn on their owners. Even when Emily Forrest is savagely eaten alive - the first of many human victims.
As winter tightens its icy grip on the remote town of Kane, an unprotected people must face an unearthly terror.

Kane is a small unspoilt community in the Canadian heartland, pop. 2500, and possibly the most depressing beauty spot on earth. The locals seem friendly enough, but visitors rarely stay a week and never return. Nobody can quite put their finger on what it is about Kane that sucks all the joy from life. Or why the boundary signs read 'No Dogs Allowed.'

1965. The forest in winter. Four starving wolves attack a lone black dog. It tears them limb from limb then tramps on toward the nearest town. Kane.

Father Timothy Conrad is a man who has learned to rely on impulse. His spidy sense is finely attuned to locating the malevolent forces, hence this overwhelming compulsion to brave the snow and explore Cotley Wood. The stench hits him even before he sets disbelieving eyes on the carnage. A head here, a severed leg there, remnants of wolf everywhere. In his haste to flee the nauseating scene, he stumbles and cuts open his head.

The Gordon household. John, 35, operates the giant saw at Jackson's Mill, Mary, 29, stays home to look after their son. It's dog-mad David's eighth birthday and he's impatient for dad to get home so they can go pick up his big surprise. David's a loner, "bright eyed, with a thick cap of curly hair and an endearing lop-sided smile." He demands his own way in all things, throws an almighty strop when told "no." Bless the loveable little tyke! Let's hope we don't have to wait too long for him to die horribly. Dad is adamant that, yes, David can have his own pup, but he'll have to wait until he's ten when he's old enough to look after it.

They drive Birthday boy out to old Mr. Carter's fur-trading store to choose his present. David throws a sulk. The shop stinks, the toys stink, his parents stink and, most of all, the purveyor of all this junk stinks .... until he leads him out back. Dogs! Hundreds of them! Dad has relented! How can he possibly pick just the one from all these beauties? Then he's drawn to the huge black moosehound segregated from the rest behind the sturdiest set of bars. "He's mine!" No. Not that one! It's terrifying! Choose another. I won't. Tantrums all the way home.

It is Emily Forrest's curse that she's so damned alluring to men. A born again Christian, Emily regards sex as the Devil's most diabolical device. The worst of it is, of late Harry has been making a song and dance about his conjugal rights, hence this latest visit to Father Conrad. Well, what a mistake that was! How dare this so-called "Holy" man suggest that, not only is it perfectly fine by God for a married couple enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, but perhaps she should consult a psychiatrist! The Bishop will hear about this, you see if he won't! Emily's day takes a turn for the even worse when, on returning home, she finds a porno mag stashed away under the towels in the airing closet. Her Christian duty ("acquaint thyself with evil that thou might learn it's shape") dictates that she scrutinise every filthy page before ripping it to shreds. Just as she feared, Harry's sordid lusts have finally mastered him. To be fair, Harry proves as much later that night when he mounts her in her sleep. Emily dreams she is being ravished by a beast from hell.

A neurotic parishioner is the last of Father Conrad's worries. The same sixth sense that drew him to the wood guides him to pull down a particularly hideous book from his shelves, A Chronicle of the Beast. It falls open on an illustration depicting Satan as a monstrous hound.

David gets his spooky pet. That same night the dog performs a feat of prodigious strength to break out of the cage and heads over to the Gordon place. No question that boy and gentle giant are made for one another. After a few days Mom even grows to like the big softie. The family book an appointment to have 'Elk' checked out by the vet.


TBC ...

[dem]

McLean the vet invites John to Healey's bar to discuss his findings. The good news first. David's dog is in fine fettle. The bad. It's strain of elkhound died out with the dinosaur. Oh, and Elk has human blood. It can't possibly exist.

Harry Forrest, who has no head for beer, has taken to haunting Healey's of late and the reason is flirting with him from across the bar. Janey's awful friendly, looks at him the way Emily used to back in her wild day, before she got religion and ruined he and boys' lives. A man has NEEDS for crying out loud, and, by God, if his ain't satisfied soon his dick will explode. At least Janey understands. She's squared it with her boss to take the rest of the night off. Maybe Harry would like to drive her home ... or somewhere?

Harry delivers his hot babe to her door. Coy smile. "Well, here we are ..." He freezes. That Goddamn beer! But then .... Janey is on top of him, and it's happening, really happening! But, just as their sprinkler systems are about to go off, he has a nightmare hallucination of the most horrible animal he's ever seen opening it's slavering jaws around his head ... and throws up all over both himself, and, crucially, his partner in lust. Exit Janey in a flurry of slaps. Bloody Goddamn beer!

A padding on the kitchen floor awakens Emily from an evil dream guest-starring her husband getting it on with a slime-drenched Jezebel. Oh dear God, an intruder! And Harry away working late at the office again, though, Lord knows, it's not that he'd be any use in a crisis. She inches open the door upon the four-legged demon from the fiery pit ....

Can't pin Emily's death on Elk, he has a cast iron alibi. As the Gordon's will testify, he's been stretched out before David's bed the while, growling softly. Good doggie.

Like Robert Calder's The Dogs, which will come to at a later date, The Beast Of Kane is a slow burner, but with the first human fatality the fuse is well and truly lit.

[dem]

Father Conrad confides his fears to his Bishop. Monsignor Lapotaire gives him a sympathetic hearing, as well he might, the church having hushed up an identical persecution of another small town not three decades back. While he can't officially sanction Conrad's battle with the Great Beast, the Monsignor urges him to continue the good work, gifting him the notebook of his late colleague, Monsignor Gavin, who spent three years studying several proscribed texts relating to Satan and all his cruelties. Conrad has less success when he calls upon his local Baptist counterpart, the Rev. James Hiscock. The two men have not exchanged a word in ten years. Rev. Hiscock has no regard for "Catholic voodoo merchants" at the best of times, but to listen to this clown's maniacal ravings that the Devil is loose in Kane and that he, a Baptist Minister, must persuade his parishioners to carve 'Cave Canem' above their doors, is beyond the pale. Toleration be damned, Conrad must be a secret drinker. The Baptist manhandles his unwanted guest from the premises explaining to Mrs. Hiscock, "too much traffic with corrupt Roman doctrine has unhinged the poor man's soul. It hardly surprises me."

Henry Marsh, father of Janey the barmaid, is struggling under a heavy load. Four years a widower, Henry will never come to terms with losing the dear woman who made his world make sense. Janey's a wonderful daughter and all, but her wild ways puts a strain on his dodgy ticker. And now this, his livestock decimated, several sheep butchered in the night by a rogue mastiff.

The menfolk answer Henry's call for action, take down their rifles, set out with their dogs to hunt the bastard down. There's no need. Elk, already a local celebrity on account of his unanimous triumph at the Dog Show in Culverts Wood, gains hero status by casually biting away the sheep-killer's throat. Strange thing. The Mastiff never fought for it's life, just lay down passively before him and awaited it's doom. The combined ranks of Kane's Labrador, Irish wolfhound, Doberman and German Shepherd community keep both their distance and their silence. They know who's boss and theirs is to serve him. The hour is almost at hand.

Seeing as you're all hanging onto my every word, you'll remember I mentioned that the Hell-Hound butchered Emily? Scrub that. It didn't - she only wishes it had. Let's just say that horny husband Harry ain't the only one around here with "needs." Anyway, relax. Mrs Forrest lives on!

Well she did for another couple of chapters. She's sure as shit dead now! Sheriff Rook is the toughest old buzzard but even he can't hold down his dinner when he steps into the clearing and spots Emily's jigsaw puzzle remains. What could have done this? Wolves most likely, though surely they'd have et her? One thing's for sure. Shifting the late Mrs. Forrest to the mortuary is gonna require multiple bin-bags.