This article was written by Funkdooby. I've extracted it from a far longer thread as I hope it will get more response as a stand alone article.
demonikRooting through some old floppy discs, I unearthed a copy of Part 1 of my decade old Smithology series. As there are so many dedicated Smithophiles here, I thought I'd post it for fun
Bear in mind that I was a very young and impressionable whippersnapper back then:)
Smithology 1 - Smithisms
Of the plethora of horror writers currently working, those with a style unmistakably their own can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Ramsey Campbell is one; the Americans Charles L Grant and Dennis Etchison also rank among this elite group. Another, of course, is Guy N Smith. Take a single page of fiction by any of the aforementioned and the chances are you'd recognize the author you were reading before you were half way through it. Unfortunately, the fact that Guy is a pulp writer seems to be reason enough for the critics to either mock his work or to ignore it competely. This is a great shame because, as all of us famililar with the realms of Smithland will attest, Guy's material has far more to offer than certain vociferous detractors would have you believe. That he is Britain's most prolific, and arguable most widely-imitated, horror fictioneer is conveniently overlooked.
There are a number of elements which combine to make Guy unique within the horror genre, the most distinctive and popular of which are his use of 'Smithisms', those phrases, expressions, passages of italicized text, and literary devices which he uses so successfully to set his work apart from the vast majority. With over seventy novels to choose from, the hunting ground for dedicated Smithophiles is enormous.
I think my own favourite Smithism of all time is probably And still it lived! (which appears in Warhead and Crabs On The Rampage, among others). Some other much-loved regulars include Sheer terror; sheer malevolence; he nearly fainted, but oblivion mercilessly would not come; with one perfectly co-ordinated movement; they stared transfixed, like wedding guests beholding the Ancient Mariner; Christ on a bike!; Christ on a mule!; Oh, happy Jesus!; Jesus in a wheelchair!; he clapped his hands to his ears/eyes!; a force beyond his ken; the moon cast its etheral glow across the land; twin red spots appeared on his cheeks, a sure sign of his mounting fury!; his body was solid muscle, not an ounce of surplus flesh; crazed lusting madness!; with all the precision of a carefully planned military operation; her beautifully proportioned body; [the clothes she wore] showed off her shapely figure to perfection. And, of course, who could ever forget Click-click-clickety-click, a sure sign that the crabs are somewhere nearby and about to launch another bid to otherthrow mankind! These Smithisms are just a very small sample. There are many more to be found and enjoyed throughout the canon.
Pick up virtually any GNS novel and the chances are that somewhere within its pages will be at least one pipe smoker, often the male lead character. Most often featured is the good old blackened briar, which is sometimes charred down one side and has its stem repaired with wire bands after many years faithful service. From time to time other pipes appear; Mark Sabat smokes a meershaum, a pipe also favoured by Sherlock Holmes. I have often thought that Sabat resembles a Holmes for our time in many ways: he is utterly ruthless, a master of many skills, mysterious, the only man capable of getting to the bottom of cases which confound official law-keepers. Like the Baker Street detective, he is also given to occasional drug use (cannabis mixed with short strand tobacco in his pipe, rather than cocaine). Though he is undoubtedly dangerous, Sabat is also a man for the people; ordinary citizens have nothing to fear from him, only those who seek to bring corruption and evil into the world.
Another popular Smithism feature is the inimitable poachers. I must confess to feeling sympathy for most of them. Typically, one of Guy's poachers will have spent hours having lain patiently in the heather awaiting his quarry, often in uncomfortable conditions, only for some unspeakable monstrosity to manifest itself and end the night's sport in a decidedly unpleasant manner. These characters will be discussed more full in Smithology 2: The Heroes Of Smithland.
Leading characters in Smithland are usually well-educated and attractive. Guy's critics have said that his writing is unrealistic and nothing like real life, and I suppose in some ways at least this is true. And that is very much the way we like it! A lot of readers like to 'become' characters during a story and, believe me, if you're to battle against creatures run amok or horrors beyond mortal understanding, far better to have a gorgeous, well-proportioned girl or fearless handsome guy at your side than someone who looks like Jo Brand or Bernard Manning! (Those of a politically correct leaning can choke with self-righteous indignation round about now ;-). In a genre straining with writers going to great (and very often boring) lengths to make their fiction as true-to-life as possible, it is refreshing to be able to rely on characters who are, in the main, ideals of what we ourselves would like to be. Real life can be extremely depressing. Every day we hear reports of appalling evil being committed around the world. All too often the offenders are given light sentences (maybe a month scuba diving in Jamaica), or else evade 'justice' completely. In Smithland, however, such leniency is rare; only very occasionally do the forces of evil triumph over those of the good. In a society which seems more and more to favour the wrongdoers, it is reassuring to have people like Mark Sabat and John Mayo, the Man in the Black Fedora, to defend us, even if it is only in the world of fiction.
It doesn't take long for newcomers to Guy's work to realise that italics and exclamation marks are an integral part of Smithology. In the space available it would be impossible to list everyone's favourites, but what follows is a prime selection of Smithisms, showing quite clearly the fun and humour inherent in the works of Guy N Smith.
Part two:
'Just look at the throat, sir! It's been torn apart by teeth, ruddy great two-inch fangs!' (Sgt Bayley to Chief Inspector Ford, Werewolf By Moonlight)
'...'E's cut 'is blasted 'ead off!' (Gwynne Owen makes a gruesome discovery, Werewolf By Moonlight)
'Big as sheep!' Cliff Davenport laughed hysterically. 'They're as big as bloody cows!' (The eminent professor's first encounter with the giant crustaceans, Night Of The Crabs
A deep incision, the Kheb-her's hands pulling at slippery offal, stringing it into one of the Tupperware bowls, clicking the airtight lid shut. (Adrian Capper comes a cropper, Accursed)
Horace had been reduced to a babbling imbecile! (Sabat 1 - The Graveyard Vultures)
Sabat tensed, his whole body suddenly a car with the choke fully extended. (Sabat 1)
Unhand me, greybeard loon! (Joby Tarrat, The Neophyte)
'Someone's been fastened to the wall and flogged!' (Victoria Tennant, Satan's Snowdrop)
There could be no doubt whatsoever. She had given birth to the son of the werewolf! (The awful truth dawns on Margaret Gunn, The Son Of The Werewolf)
...A gurlgling squelching sound that came from that unholy embrace, a noisy drinker sipping his tea loudly from the rim of his cup. (Lilith commits infanticide, Sabat 2 - The Blood Merchants)
Oh, Jesus Christ, those weren't rocks at all, they were crabs lying doggo on the beach, perfectly camouflaged in the soft moonlight! (Gordon Smallwood's shocking realization, Crabs' Moon)
'Balzur is now Winston Dyne, head of Oxide Reprocessing!' (Bob Coyle, The Pluto Pact)
'Give it to me properly, Gavin, like every woman wants her man!' (Liz Beck and Gavin Royle share an intimate moment amidst the horror, The Slime Beast)
'Good lord! It's...it's...something!' (Professor Lowson discovers The Slime Beast)
'You filthy lecherous pig! You foul demented snake!' (Liz Beck catches Mallard Glover in the act, The Slime Beast)
Something struck the roof like a jet-powered hailstorm! (The Slime Beast)
'Look!' Rawsthorne's hand shook uncontrollably as he pointed to the simpleton...'Even the deaf cannot escape the sound of the bell! He has heard it even in his deafness. His simple brain has been tortured just as ours have. Oh, merciful God!' (The Reverend Rawsthorne is appalled by the effect that the Deathbell has on Turbury village idiot Donald Hughes)
Bartholemew's life was ebbing fast from him, but unconsciousness still cruelly eluded him. (The crabs claim yet another victim, Night Of The Crabs)
Her power had gone like that of an abdicated sovereign! (Erzulie, the Black Venus, Warhead)
ROASTED CANNIBALS (Newspaper headline, Cannibals)
...A figure cloaked and cowled in white raiments, limbs hidden beneath the flowing material, face masked in shadow. Oh God, he didn't want to look on those features for surely they could not be human! (Peter Fogg is scared out of his wits, The Lurkers)
Oh Christ Almighty, those hideous countenances belonged anywhere except in a civilzed twentieth-century society, pock-marked scarred faces that even the mist failed miserably to hide. (PC Jock Houliston comes face to face with the living dead, The Wood)
'And you, wench! D'you want a whipping, eh?' (Trouble in store for Frances Myatt, Entombed)
'I want a man. I'm desperate for a man...I...couldn't hold out any longer. I need...it. Badly!' (Simon Rankin's girlfriend Andrea invites the attentions of a devilish lover, Entombed)
He no longer had control of the Chevy. The steering wheel spun uselessly in his hands like a kiddies' roundabout car at the funfair. (Mark Slade has car trouble, Blood Circuit)
'Let the flames dispel noxious dragons that copulate in the air and drop their poisonous seed into the drinking wells!' (Benjamin the hippy leader, The Black Fedora)
Hurry up, Rog, I'm lying here in the nude desperate to be screwed. There's locusts hanging from the ceiling but don't worry about them. (Pat Emmerton, Locusts)
With one loony claiming Christ was about to be born again and another anticipating the rebirth of his long dead child, there was trouble brewing. (Barbara Withernshaw makes a perceptive observation, Mania)
They'd got her earthly body and she was stranded in the dungeons of no return! (Ursula Illingsworth loses her battle with the forces of darkness, Bloodshow)
...A surge of eroticism that he his arousal struggling to escape the constriction of his trousers! (John Strike encounters another element of the power inside 13 Schooner Street, Phobia)
Alone with three women and a devil child, who craved more than just his flesh! (Frank Ingram contemplates life on The Island with several nymphomaniacs and an evil youngster from beyond the grave)
The neck muscles were one of the erogonous zones of the human body, he'd found that out once during a lengthy solitary session of masturbation when he'd been wearing a silk necktie and had tightened it by degrees until the outcome had been an explosive orgasm. (Phil Barron, The Undead)
...He would joint and slice the fresh corpse into oven-ready portions. (The crazed cannibalistic residents of Kemper's Retirement Home look forward to dinner, Bonemeal)
'...There's somethin' strange bin goin' on round these parts!' (Jock McAndrew, Night Of The Werewolf)
'You...you've got an erection!'
'Of Course I bloody well have! Only where I come from we call it a 'hard' and girls usually like to feel it...to start with, anyway!' (Jennifer Hughes, virginal country girl, is shocked by the forwardness of Peter Pike, Werewolf By Moonlight)
Madeleine Gaufridi, as she called herself, was Madeleine de Demandolx de la Palud reborn! (Sabat 3 - Cannibal Cult)
Nice! ;D Now if only those who seek to undermine Guy's work could just sit down, shut up, and enjoy his stories for what they are, we'd all be laughing.
I'm convinced that the time when GNS will be afforded an even wider audience is drawing near. With such a large output, and a dedicated cult following, it can surely only be a matter of time before some producer or other decides to take a chance on filming one or more of the novels. Given the current appreciation for B-movies of the fifties and such classic, slightly tongue in cheek series as Star Trek and Doctor Who, a film version of something like Night Of The Crabs would very likely be a big hit. As Guy mentioned some time ago, a film company had shown an interest in The Slime Beast. I don't know what, if anything, is happening on that front, but we can live in hope. Were a GNS to become a big screen success, and therefore an interest in his whole output increased, it would be interesting to hear the critics' comments
then.
For the dedicated Smithophiles, we can but dream
Bear in mind that I was a very young and impressionable whippersnapper back then:)
Never mind, GNS can never have too much exposure.