Long Distance Lorry Driver

[franklinmarsh]

Confessions Of A Long Distance Lorry Driver - Timothy Lea - Futura 1975. At the end of Shop Floor Tim was cast adrift on the Thames on an inflatable bed by his brother-in-law Sid - he was to become the first man to sail round the world on a bed. The first line of this novel - 'Two hundred yards downstream the bed sinks.' Yep, Timmo's luck is the same in the next in the saga. I moaned about Shop Floor being to close to Carry On At Your Convenience and subsequently enjoyed this 'un a lot more. Perhaps I needed a laugh after a surfeit of horror, westerns and NEL exploitation. Tim hauls himself aboard a nearby Russian (?!) vessel and is soon acquainted with Olga - the ship's comfort officer.
'I have stopped staring at the small hammer and sickle she has tatooed above her minge fringe and have hauled myself up her body until percy is now poised for his journey into the interior. I often wonder how he must feel at moments like this. So many responsibilities to discharge , his two porters struggling along behind him - one slightly in front of the other - and the secret cave looming in front, thick foliage almost concealing its narrow opening. It is nearly as exciting as King Solomon's Mines, isn't it?'
Well no, but it's funnier. For me. it's in the writing. The whole collection of smut,one-liners,bad puns. cheap, recycled gags is thrown together with such abandon that I can't help falling into it. Lea's world is like Allenland. It's an exaggerated England than probably never really was and certainly (some may be glad to hear) will never be again. Pull into a motorway services today and you'll have the usual soulless fast food chains. But in 1975 'I feel like a leak so I peel off and follow the sign that says 'Gents.' By the cringe! What a dump. I was not expecting a bloke in a white jacket to hand me a towel but when you look at the wall you expect to see 'f*ck' spelled properly, don't you? I mean 'f*k' just isn't good enough with the amount we spend on comprehensive education. I don't begrudge paying the taxes but I do expect to get a little more for my money. I would not mind getting a towel either. I know that there must have been soap here once because I can see the two little metal arms that used to hold the dispenser. The Towelomat looks like a tin of sardines that somebody tried to kick open when the opener bust - they always do, don't they? I am glad I don't want to do anything more creative than a slash because the inside of the cubicle that I am looking at - it is very easy to look inside because the only thing that remains of the door is the hinges - reminds me of a lost property office for t*rds.' You certainly see life with Tim. Wood's style is such an of amalgamation of slang and then current trends,personalities and events that it must be as incomprehensible to anyone born after about 1965 as Shakespeare is to todays youth. Another reason for this stuff's appeal to me - it's a way to decode the 70s. Anyone remember Alistair McLean or Graham Hill? Sid, having been tricked out of the bed firm from the last book, ends up buying two clapped out lorries (several times) and he and Tim take to the open road (when they can get their rustbuckets to work) hauling, delivering,removing, narrowing avoiding elephants and generally wrecking anything in their paths and ..er.. losing their loads. Amourous encounters aplenty (none of the rape/abuse of the other areas of exploitation) it's all good,clean,consenting fun.

[ripper]

As a break from the more serious books that I have been reading recently, I gave this one a go and finished it off in a couple of sittings. I agree with Franklin's analysis, though I have yet to read the previous entry in the "Confessions" series that FM mentioned. As far as the amarous encounters go, it's fairly tame by modern standards and certainly un-PC. It's a book that elicited from me smiles and quiet chuckles, rather than belly-laughs, but it is a light, easy read, and I couldn't help liking the character of Timmy Lee. There are quite a few cultural references that place the book firmly in the time period in which it was written. I haven't read enough of the series to judge whether this one is typical and whether there is anything to be gained from trying to read the series in publication order. I haven't read any of the Jonathan May "Confessions" series as yet, so don't know how they compare to the Lea books, though I believe Laurence James penned the JMs, which sounds interesting. Also, I see that Guy N. Smith wrote a series of "Sexy Confessions," though I have never come across a single example for sale as yet.

[shanea]

I have 3 of the GNS 'Sexy confessions' Magazines and recently 5 of the series (he wrote 7 in total) came up on that auction site. I lost out on these as the price went over £70 per title. I will dig them out and have another read and feedback how they compare with the Timothy Lea versions which I also read over 20 years ago. 

[ripper]

Hi Shanea. I would be interested to hear what you make of GNS's Sexy Confessions books. I have still not come across a single copy, and given the prices they go for, that's likely to remain unchanged :-). One tiny ray of sunlight may be that the series might hopefully appear on Kindle. I know that quite a few of Guy's books are already available in electronic form, so let's keep our fingers crossed.