Chapter 4
(Strap yourself in, gentle readers. This is a long one.)
Sam is dead.
The next day Jack gets up to find it's snowed. Amy is unimpressed. Jack goes out to admire the snow and finds animal tracks...
Later that same minute they call Dr. Tucker. Turns out he's had a heart attack and is in the hospital.
Jack calls Tom (the guy he goes "riding" with) but Tom's "wife" picks up. Tom is busy with some sick horses.
Jack calls another friend named Kip. No dice. Jack and Amy waffle over what to do for a bit.
I get the feeling Jack and Amy are lousy friends. I wouldn't borrow them my lawn mower. Anyway, they eventually decide on going to the cops for help.
Jack goes to the local cop shop. They refer him to the town "dog warden."
The dog catcher can't help because he only handles dogs.
(sad trombone riff)
This book is giving me a migrane.
The dog warden advises Jack to get a shotgun and shoot the cats.
Back home, Jack tells Amy about his adventure. He consults one the pamphlets he got back in Chapter 2 and is assured that it's okay to shoot stray cats.
Jack buys the wimpiest shotgun he can find. It's a single barrel, single shot 20 gauge. Surprisingly, it doesn't shoot nerf.
Back home they spot a couple cats in their yard. Jack shoots at them. Miraculously he wounds one. He goes out and finds the wounded cat is now dead and the other eating it. He shoots the other cat. He goes back inside and consults a book about tigers. He finds a couple of instances of tiger cannibalism.
Um, ooookay.
Jack gets more fire wood. Amy is attacked by a cat while taking out the garbage and her coat is tragically torn. Jack shoots the cat. It's a big one. Jack is creeped out.
Their dinner is rudely interrupted by the cats. They're out in the yard making a ruckus. Amy is freaked out. Jack grabs his shotgun and an extra shell (in case things get really crazy) and goes out to deal with the noisy felines:
There was a fork of yellow flame. There was the instantaneous crash of the shot. There was an instant of shattering silence. There was a spiraling screech. There was a cry and a moaning. There was a sound of movement, a commotion of leaves. The silence closed in again. (p87)
It doesn't work. The cats return and Amy is super freaked out. Jack's solution - booze and loud classical music.
*headdesk*
The next morning Amy & Jack wake up hungover but catless.
Jack goes to scope out the situation. He finds the remains of several cats and kicks them into the tall grass where Amy won't see them because this is the '70s and girls are easily upset you know.
Amy goes to the store and Jack settles in to edit an article. Looking out the window he sees a cat in the driveway. His first impulse is to shoot the cat, but he doesn't want another dead cat on his hands for reasons. He also doesn't want a repeat of last night when all the cats came to yowl in his front yard and make fun of his hair. Or something. I'm 90 pages in and I have no idea what either of these people look like, so right now I'm imagining Jack has really bad 70's hair. Like a white guy afro or something.
Anyroad...
Jack hits on a plan. Eschewing firearms he decides to scare the cat off using fire wood. Chucking kindling at the cat doesn't go well. Then more cats emerge from the underbrush. Oh my God! It's an ambush! Jack is torn to shreds!
No, just kidding. He goes back in the house, gets his baby's-first-shotgun and starts shooting cats. This proves more effective than Plan A and the cats scatter, but there's still one on the roof. (Whether or not the roof is made of tin is not mentioned. The temperature of said roof is also unspecified.)
Jack waffles around until the cat gets bored and springs at him from the roof. Unfortunately the cat is a lousy ninja and misses him. Jack shoots the cat point blank, blowing it to smithereens so all that's left is the tail because in Berton's universe a 20 gauge shotgun is more powerful than Mjolnir.
Amy gets back from the store just as Jack is disposing of a cat carcass by flinging it into the woods. Amy notices a small scratch on his face, a souvenir of the fight with the cat he vaporized. They take the groceries inside.
The cats are back in force. Amy is scared stiff because girl parts I guess. Jack tries to call the dog catcher:
They wait a bit and try again. No dice, so they decide to call the cops. The police say they'll send a car.
A cop arrives. Amy and Jack are aghast that they only sent one guy. I guess they were expecting SWAT or something. The cop gets out of his car and the cats immediately swarm him. Finally! Jack gets his shotgun and fires a shot in the air, scarring the cats. The cop is dazed. The cats attack again. Jack fires into the air again. No good. The cop stumbles and falls. Jack shoots at the cats but there are too many. He runs back into the house and they call the cops again.
The cops say they'll send help. Amy is hysterical. Surprise.
She pulled out of my arms, struggled and broke away. Her mouth was loose and her eyes were wild. She said, "I hate this place. I hate everything about it. We never should have come here. It's all our fault. We're to blame. We did it. We caused it. I'm so ashamed. I'll never forgive myself about Sneakers. That poor, darling little kitten. This is all because of Sneakers -- because of us."
Sneakers died for your sins! Repent!
Amy recovers from her emotional outburst. Suddenly things are quiet. Too quiet! Jack peeks out the door and sees a hoard of cats encircling the house like the whole Apache Nation. Jack spots what's left of the cop (having expired "off screen" as-it-were) and slams the door shut. He opens a window and fires a shot that blasts a bunch of cats and scatters the rest because now his 20 gauge has the power of a 10 lb Parrott cannon loaded with grape shot.
The cops show up. Well, a cop. Honestly, if Berton's going to feed the cats one cop at time, this is going to take
forever.
From the front window Jack yells to the cop to stay in his car. The cats act all innocent like, 'Who, us? We're just here for the free tuna.' The cop rolls down a window and the cats attack but the cop is too quick and rolls the window back up.
Another cop car arrives. This time there's two guys! They mistake the cats for student protestors and teargas them. Jack and Amy stay at the window and are gassed like the dopes they clearly are. The cops start shooting cats. The cats fuck off back to the woods.
An ambulance arrives to remove the dead cop's remains. The head cop, Sgt Kuzmeir, vows to annihilate the cats. Amy and Jack fuck off to stay at a friend's place.
Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion tomorrow! Same cat time! Same cat channel!