Kate Farrell - And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After

[dem bones]

Kate Farrell - And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After (Parallel Universe Publications, Dec. 2015)

Vincent Chong

Reggie Oliver - Introduction

Mea Culpa
Helping Mummy
A Murder of Crows
No Junk Mail
All in a Row
Dad Dancing
The Way and the Truth and the Life
My Name is Mary Sutherland
The Efficient Use of Reason
How I Got Here
His Family
The Sands are Magic
Once Upon the End
A. Reeve’s Tale
Las Cosas Que Hacemos Por El Amor
Peacock Blue Dress
Alma Mater
Waiting

About Kate Farrell

Blurb:
Parallel Universe Presents
17 disturbing tales by Kate Farrell

"Of the current generation of British Horror writers, Kate Farrell is among the best of those writing those particularly grim tales that are known as the Conte cruel. And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After is sure to appeal to fans of the stories of Charles Birkin. And, like Sir Charles, she isn't afraid to venture into supernatural territory either." Charles Black, editor The Black Books of Horror

"The elegance of her prose is matched only by the malevolence of her ideas. Truly disturbing tales. Farrell is the mistress of the contes cruels... "' Paul Finch, author of Stalkers and The Killing Club (DS Heckenburg)

My favourite book title of 2015 and, having been fortunate enough to sample many of these stories via various Black Books of Horror, Kitchen Sink Gothic, Terror Tales of the Seaside and Screaming Book Of Horror, there can be little doubt the contents justify it. Have sworn off starting a new collection until the calendar madness and all those interrupted "reviews" are behind me, but, Oh, I don't suppose a little dip into And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After later this evening could hurt ...

Thanks to David & Linden Riley at Parallel Universe Publications for such a lovely Christmas present!

[dem bones]

"..... And a murder of crows did circle 'round
First one, then the others flapping blackly down ..."

- Nick Cave, The Carney

An impressive start. Already I'm thinking we've found the ideal Christmas companion to Charles Birkin's recently reissued Devil's Spawn

No Junk Mail: Mrs. Judith Webster, sixty, widowed and loving it, wages war upon those of Streatham's door-to-door leaflet distributors who dare ignore her scary 'No Junk Mail' notice. Weary of her foul-mouthed tirades, Mr. Sharma, Jarek, and the luckless Iracema band together to teach the ghastly old baggage some manners.

Helping Mummy: Of the thirty or so stories featured on the 2012 Vault Advent Calendar, it was Norah C. James' 'Helping Mummy', (Crimes, Creeps & Thrills, 1936), attracted the most response, admittedly, mostly of the "how did that ever get printed?" variety. Kate Farrell's Helping Mummy dispenses with the ocean voyage, shifts the action to leafy, middle class Hampstead Garden Suburbs but otherwise it's business as usual in her vastly superior update. Little Adam Saltman, seventeen weeks, needs changing. Mum has dozed off reading a gossip mag. Martha, his three year old sister, takes command.

My Name is Mary Sutherland: Fifteen year old Mary takes a baseball bat to the elusive huge grey rodent intent on eating baby sister in her cot. But her heroic intervention is in vain. It seems there's nothing she can do to please Dad's new wife!

Mea Culpa: Domestic abuse of a less common nature. You're smug in your perfect marriage to Alex, sneering down from on high at all those fools who lack your brains and financial acumen to hold their relationships together. But there is something troubling you. Of late, you've become frighteningly accident prone. And your partner has the uncanny knack of being in the closest vicinity to witness every spillage of blood, every crunching of bone ...

A Murder Of Crows: Only those with the gift can hear the scratching beneath the earth in Mitchell's field at close of harvest season. Our narrator has gruesome reason to wish she were not among them. Closest reference point is maybe Philip MacDonald's enduring nature-is-revolting chiller, Our Feathered Friends, but A Murder Of Crows is, if anything, nastier and more frightening still. To say more would be to totally ruin a contemporary masterpiece.

[dem bones]

I only intended a taster, but And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After has proved too ghoulishly thrilling to save for later. A case in point, this next story which is worthy of 'Flavia Richardson' at the height of her powers.

All In A Row: A tragic accident on a modelling shoot has horrific repercussions for several attractive young women over the following decade. Holidaymakers Adam and Anne's passage through the Cornish village of Bisscoe does not pass without incident.

Dad Dancing: Ronnie, a Peckham plumber made good, does his best by his ingrate, over-privileged twin boys, but Anton and Nic detest him as a social embarrassment. Matters come to a head when Dad sends out invitations to his New Year's Saturday Nite Feeva-theme party ....

How I got Here: ... is established in just under four pages. The problem for our heartless Romeo is how he gets back out!

His Family: Damien Roth, porter, 32, a model employee according to his superiors who, it seems, are hopeless judges of character. With the run of the premises, Damien furnishes a bolt-hole on the disused top floor of the old hospital building. It's very homely, what with a TV and everything. All that's missing is .... his family.

Told from the POV of the police officer unfortunate enough to walk in on Mum, Dad, elder brother and Damien enjoying a nice cup of tea.

[dem bones]

Grimmer still ...

The Way and the Truth and the Life: It looks as though Father John Mahern, Drumcondra's answer to Jimmy Saville, will evade prosecution for his prominent role in the sexual molestation of orphans and "problem" kids at St. Francis Xavier's over a period of three decades. The wily old pervert is certain he's seen the last of that fool Inspector Leahy and his sidekick O'Driscoll, having run rings around them during a mild preliminary interview. Let's hope there is more to Leahy than he's prepared to show the world else Mahern will be laughing in "God"'s face for the rest of his days.

The Sands are Magic: As first appeared in Paul Finch's Terror Tales of the Seaside. A holiday in Cornwall spectacularly fails to revive the spirits of a young army widow whose husband was recently shot dead in the Falls Road. Magnificently depressing.

Once Upon the End: As title suggests, a diseased take on Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, with orphan Bianca cast in the lead role, the garrulous old woman as the wicked Queen, and chief dwarf, Gordon, as a West Ham supporting miner. Differs significantly from the Disney movie. In the context of this collection, Once Upon the End qualifies as light relief, in the context of many another, it wouldn't. One to read the infants as their Christmas Eve bedtime story.

[David A. Riley]

Dec 19, 2015 19:16:29 GMT dem bones said:

Grimmer still ...

The Way and the Truth and the Life: It looks as though Father John Mahern, Drumcondra's answer to Jimmy Saville, will evade prosecution for his prominent role in the sexual molestation of orphans and "problem" kids at St. Francis Xavier's over a period of three decades. The wily old pervert is certain he's seen the last of that fool Inspector Leahy and his sidekick O'Driscoll, having run rings around them during a mild preliminary interview. Let's hope there is more to Leahy than he's prepared to show the world else Mahern will be laughing in "God"'s face for the rest of his days.

The Sands are Magic: As first appeared in Paul Finch's Terror Tales of the Seaside. A holiday in Cornwall spectacularly fails to revive the spirits of a young army widow whose husband was recently shot dead in the Falls Road. Magnificently depressing.

Once Upon the End: As title suggests, a diseased take on Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, with orphan Bianca cast in the lead role, the garrulous old woman as the wicked Queen, and chief dwarf, Gordon, as a West Ham supporting miner. Differs significantly from the Disney movie. In the context of this collection, Once Upon the End qualifies as light relief, in the context of many another, it wouldn't. One to read the infants as their Christmas Eve bedtime story.

The Sands are Magic makes me pause for several seconds every time I've finished reading it. As you say, magnificently depressing.

[dem bones]

Dec 20, 2015 12:46:12 GMT David A. Riley said:

The Sands are Magic makes me pause for several seconds every time I've finished reading it. As you say, magnificently depressing.

The Sands is a wrist-slasher for sure, likewise the extraordinary A Murder Of Crows and The Way The Truth And The Life, though Father Mahern's accessment of a sociopathic former MUFC mid-fielder's physical attributes made me damn near piss myself laughing. Don't know whether the December publication date was by accident or design, but there is no better month to "enjoy" And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After, a welcome antidote to all that sham joy and niceness.

[dem bones]

Alma Mater: Good children who've read their Eleventh Black Book Of Horror will already be acquainted with Sister Bernadette, creepy nun extraordinaire. Poor Geraldine of the asthma attacks would prefer that she and the sightless old horror had never have crossed paths.

Waiting: Kate's contribution to the "brilliant, in ways you may not expect" (© Franklin Marsh) Kitchen Sink Gothic sees sweet old Edna keep an appointment at the surgery, blissfully unaware that she'll not be requiring the kindly Doctor's services for much longer.

Las Cosas Que Hacemos Por El Amor: A nice skin-crawler to end the night on. The 19 years dead Eva Perón proves an impossible act to follow for Juan's third wife, Isabelita, who tries and tries but simply cannot be the woman he adores. Until the President hits upon a brainwave ....

[dem bones]

So much for saving this one for Christmas ...

A. Reeves Tale: By now, even the most aggressively morbid might welcome a sprinkling of light-ish relief, albeit set in a Nottingham Job Centre. Alan Reeves, manager, is trying to forget his rocky marriage to Janet while finding gainful employment for difficult clients, Bob Loxley and his scabby Hells Angel mate, Alan Dale.

Peacock Blue Dress: And so to the Dry Cleaners, where Ruth Tyler daydreams through the shift as her wedding day to handsome, manly Thomas draws near. As Manageress, Ruth has the pick of the unclaimed garments once the three-month collection date has passed, which is how Thomas came by his wedding suit.

Which leaves only ....The Efficient Use of Reason, the heart-warming story of little Belén's quest for fame which you've now read - if not survived - via our creepy calendar.

"Unflinching" is the word. If your tastes warp toward the tragic, the horrible, the morbid and twisted you would do well to investigate And Nobody Lived Happily Ever After at the earliest opportunity - but beware. These deadly sweeties are highly addictive and before you know it, you've swallowed down the lot. Reggie Oliver's anecdotal introduction is a peach, and those of us with a fondness for Pop culture references are spoiled rotten with name-checks for, among others, Boney M, The Bee Gees, the Bob Monkhouse Bumper Joke Book, Matalan, Tesco carrier bags, Camden Market, "Tom and Barbara in The Good Life, Coldplay and a Man Utd mug "from the great days Roy Keane played for them."

[lvf]

Holy crap, where did you find that photo?!

[dem bones]

Dec 24, 2015 15:15:13 GMT lvf said:

Holy crap, where did you find that photo?!

All hail the Vault screen-grab library!

[ripper]

This is another collection I really want to read.

[pbsplatter]

This was really brilliant; The Sands Are Magic actually could be plunked into a Birkin collection and you'd hardly tell the difference.

The one story I didn't quite 'get' was "The Way and the Truth and the Life." Certainly the subject matter is grim enough to justify itself here, but I think I'm missing something. Is the horror that Father Mahern is going to get away with it despite Leahy's efforts? Or is the implication that the walk to 'clear his head' that Leahy is taking at the end of the story is a means to get away from O'Driscoll and mete out some justice of his own?