Pan Horror #27: Big Chopper.

[dem bones]

Clarence Paget (ed.) – 27th Pan Book Of Horror Stories (1986)

Chris Barnham – On the Fisherman’s Path
Harry E. Turner – Ms Rita and the Professor
Samantha Lee – Medium Rare
Buzz Dixon – Spiders
J. Yen – A Weird Day for Agro
Alan Temperley – Pebbledene
Norman P. Kaufman – Dead Or Alive
Stephen King – I Know What You Need
Ray Askey – Red Recipe
B. Seshadri – Joint Family
Jonathan Cruise – The House that Remembered
Jay Wilde – Rothschild’s Revenge

Finally struck lucky with copy of #27, pre-battered by previous owner Claire, (saving me the job). Solitary previous encounter was a library loan shortly after publication. Then-me wasn't very impressed. Claire wishes it to be known that "Chez told me that you told her that I said Cheryl hated you not Nicole Salin", which is, of course, patently untrue. She also finds the first on our list a "sad one!" Take it away, Buzz.

Buzz Dixon – Spiders: "Fine, he thought. Tonight I'll drop back in my easy chair, sip Oolong tea, and listen to the Osmonds."

Marvin Tesich has suffered with arachnophobia since the age of three when one of the little blighters bit him on the mouth. Girlfriend Jenny is unsympathetic, but then, so you would be if someone persistently called you in the middle of the night to remove a money spider from their bath. Several months into their relationship, and Marvin has finally scored an exciting, if too brief, boob-fondle after their latest cinema date, so could be his luck is about to change. It does. First the crawlspace under his his house is infested by black widows, then he makes the mistake of hiring cowboy pest-exterminators, Mike Poulakais & his beefcake son, to rid him of the monster invaders.

Samantha Lee – Medium Rare: Short-short set during the Spanish Civil War. Much to the General's disgust, after a week of protracted torture sessions the Basque prisoner Jose Ferrara still refuses to betray his comrades. Time to adopt a more subtle approach. A nice slap-up steak meal.

J. Yen – A Weird Day for Agro: Man gets so cross at insensitive yobbo neighbour's rubbish guitar playing, his head go pulse, throb, stretch, pulse, throb, stretch, pulse, throb, stretch, spoiler Burst!. You can never underestimate the fanaticism of the Pan worshipper, but I suspect even the most blinkered acolyte would struggle to argue a case for this one's inclusion, even as filler.

[dem bones]

Our guest reviewer wrote "Not all that good" against Chris Barham's opening story - perhaps we'll come back to it - but Claire was favourably impressed by the second which merited an enthusiastic "this is!" Hardly surprising, as it's;

Harry E. Turner - Ms Rita and the Professor: Stewart McAlpine (almost certainly the same Stew "world's leading Journalist" MacAlpine who falls under the spell of The Hypnotist (Pan Horror #17), and enjoys a memorable day by the river in The Man Who Could Hear Fishes Scream), now working for The Fulham Chronicle, contrives a meeting on Wimbledon Common with Ms. Rita, outspoken author of extreme feminist tract, The Male Oligarchy. She and several like-minded sisters have established a quasi-military commune, and McAlpine is curious that, for all Ms Rita's avowed misandry, she is never seen in public without , the brilliant psychiatrist, Professor Deighton, hanging off her arm. Stranger still, each time McAlpine runs into the shrink, the old man is minus yet another limb.

The interview is frosty from the start, but when McAlpine pointedly addresses the subject of the Professor's health, a furious Ms Rita has her fellow penis-eating revolutionaries escort the hack to the dreaded 'Virago laboratory' for treatment. But first, they drop by a cell to gloat over the wreck of a one-time Olympic marathon runner who made one too many sexist remarks about female competitors.

Norman Kaufman - Wanted: Dead Or Alive: "Skinny birds turn me right off. But in its sheer animal allure, Marie's figure took a lot of beating .... On, those firm but yielding breasts of hers! That thick waistline, those solid hips! And the strong legs - the cruelly delightful strong legs - the pleasurable pressure of the excellent thighs ..."

That's nasty Norman, salivating over his widowed mother-in-law, who has moved in while she comes to terms with bereavement. At thirty-five, Maria has only two years on Norman, and, what with his wife Ann bedridden and generally incapacitated in every department, true lust takes its course.

Ann stands to inherit a fortune when she hits twenty-five (eight years to go: Norm's a cradle-snatcher on top of everything else), but, should she die in the meantime, the lovely CASH passes to him. Mum and son-in-law collude, only for Maria to tire of him before they settle on a method of murder. Worse, she reveals her intention to inform Ann that she is married to a duplicitous, homicidal creep, and he can't be having that. A grapple ensues, during the course of which Marie's skull is shattered in a collision with the TV set ...

Norm mops up the blood. He only really loved Maria for her body, and even in death, that fantastic figure still gets him excited. An emergency telephone call to a no-questions-asked taxidermist acquaintance saves the day.

Not quite up there with his masterpiece, Lady on Display in Pan Horror 19, but Mr. Kaufman's brand of good, honest sick fun seldom disappoints.

[dem bones]

Ray Askey – Red Recipe: I was a bit rotten about A Weird Day For Agro and am sorry to bring it up again, but J. Yen should take note; this is how to write a thoroughly pointless, gratuitously grisly, unutterably brilliant, proper Pan horror story.

Her mum isn't happy, but Sharon Taylor is insistent on taking a hiking holiday in Cornwall despite the current scare over two missing remand home children. Lured by the promise of bed and breakfast, Sharon cuts short her trek to Dingledale village to call at Greendale Pig Farm. Big Harry Trady and his simpering wife, Doris, pride themselves on their "Greendale sausages & pies - best in the world," and Sharon has to agree, their bangers are as delicious as their kitchen is filthy. She's never tasted anything quite like them!

Unfortunately for Sharon, the Wurzels have drugged her tea, and before you can say "secret ingredient," she wakes strapped to a table in the barn-cum-abattoir. Cannibalism was very trendy in 1986.

Chris Barnham – On The Fisherman’s Path: Can't help thinking that Claire was a little harsh in dismissing this one.Prior to beginning his first term at college, Chris spends the summer backpacking across Europe. His meander through Brussels, Amsterdam, Berlin and Bremen coincides with a series of appalling mutilation murders. The Sun, predictably, daily salivate over "the Euro-Ripper" on their front page.

Chris first meets Julie Kenmare in a Cologne restaurant, and when their paths again mysteriously cross a week later in Sorrento, they enter into a sexually charged romance. The more Chris sees of Julie, the uneasy feeling grows that he knows absolutely nothing about her. Is she even 'Julie Kenmare'? Two weeks into their relationship, with Chris madly in love, the inscrutable girl disappears from the hotel. He learns from the manager that she'd only booked for a fortnight, so it was always her intention to move on. But why didn't she tell Chris? A brief note invites him to meet her after dark in the shadows of the Fisherman’s Path, where she will explain all ....

[dem bones]

Jay Wilde - Rothschild’s Revenge : Paranoid and incredibly stingy accountant Hugh Rothschild wages one-man war on a perceived Government- controlled conspiracy versus the hapless consumer. His choice of murder weapons - an electric toothbrush, packet of washing powder, crate of oranges, etc. - at least show a degree of originality, but this story reeks of Harry E. Turner's leftovers. Not to worry, because there's little a meaty 35 pages of our next ghoul can't remedy.

Alan Temperley - Pebbledene: On the eve of his release from Ravenhurst Prison, habitual offender Danny Lamb, 24, is recommended a labouring job on the Pebbledene Farm by his senior rehabilitation officer, Miss Isla Savidge. It is unquestionably the best thing that ever happened to him. But for two fellow jailbirds, Norman and Bluey, Danny finds himself living and working among a hundred-strong community of women, all bar a couple of pensioners eminently doable. His first night brings four late night visitors direct to his bed, setting the pattern for the rest of his stay.

Under the stout leadership of Miss Savidge, her close friend Rowena and 'George', the butch forewoman, Pebbledene Farm is entirely self-sufficient. It is hard graft for the three men but they are well fed, paid a generous wage and never want for a sexual partner, though they've no say in who actually slips under the duvet with them. But ....

Spoiled rotten, Norman and Bluey approach Miss Savidge about a short break to go fraternise with their friends. That's the last Danny sees of them. Now, a month into his stay, "call me Isla" informs him she has arranged suitable accommodation for him back in the city.

By now we have a very shrewd idea of what is about to happen, and we are not disappointed. It may not be a second Kowlongo Plaything, but Pebbledene is still properly horrible.

[dem bones]

B. Seshadri - Joint Family: Calcutta. As head of a sprawling joint family, Amitaba benefits greatly by the old Bengali traditions. So when his Brother-in-law, Sisir, threatens to withdraw his share of the combined wealth and build a new life elsewhere, a furious Amitaba must act or wave goodbye to his whiskey, expensive cigars, and Anglo-Indian prostitutes. Amitaba hits upon a brilliant if drastic plan. He will infect the troublemaker with bubonic plague.

Jonathan Cruise - The House that Remembered: Toby Fellmartin, a young American architect and Frances, his bride of one week, pay a first ever visit to Ballymeelin village, Kilkenny to claim the family demesne. The "big house" has remained a shunned ruin for over a century following a night of bloodshed during the potato famine when a vindictive local woman rabble-roused a mob versus the Lord of the Manor. The homecoming is not to pass without incident.

Mr. Cruise throws everything at this one including torture, murder, a family curse, a not-so 'demented' crone who communes with the dead, a banshee and a crumbling ruin that will resist demolished until its evil purpose is fulfilled. Would have preferred a horrible ending, but The House that Remembered is a strong contender for best of a surprisingly decent selection.

Finally, a creepy stalker-on-voodoo story:

Stephen King - I Know What You Need: (Cosmopolitan, Sept. 1976). When nerdy Edward Hamner Jr. introduces himself to Elizabeth on campus, he seems the answer to her prayers. A greasy haired apparition in horn-rimmed glasses, combat jacket and odd socks, Ed always knows what she wants, including a copy of her forthcoming sociology exam paper. Only trouble is, Beth already has a steady boyfriend, Tony, though this is easily resolved when he's killed in a tragic car accident. With the death of his rival, Ed makes his move and Beth gradually realises she is in love with him. But her room-mate, Alice, urges caution. She's done some digging on this knight in shining armour, and he's not as he appears ...

[charliegrenville]

I seem to remember being slightly disappointed by Pan 27, which I think I purchased, if my mind isn't playing tricks, 'brand new' from a bookshop in Birmingham's Pallasades Centre.

Looking back on it now, I recall that I found the balmy, sea-air and cicada atmosphere of ON THE FISHERMAN'S PATH very engrossing, like all the best stories you get drawn into by evening candleight, PEBBLEDENE suitably depraved (and, for a 13-year-old, exactly what I wanted to read) and ROTHSCHILD'S REVENGE particularly painful to read with regard to the mouth torture. I also stand by Jonny Yen's A WEIRD DAY FOR AGRO as another prime slice of Pan silliness-  which I think we need once in a while to offset the sheer grue of the more serious works. But a lot of it was also quite unremarkable, and has passed me by completely as a result. I will have to further investigate- but maybe not straight away.

[Swampirella]

Nov 26, 2013 8:35:33 GMT dem bones said:

Clarence Paget (ed.) – 27th Pan Book Of Horror Stories (1986)

Chris Barnham – On the Fisherman’s Path
Harry E. Turner – Ms Rita and the Professor
Samantha Lee – Medium Rare
Buzz Dixon – Spiders
J. Yen – A Weird Day for Agro
Alan Temperley – Pebbledene
Norman P. Kaufman – Dead Or Alive
Stephen King – I Know What You Need
Ray Askey – Red Recipe
B. Seshadri – Joint Family
Jonathan Cruise – The House that Remembered
Jay Wilde – Rothschild’s Revenge

Finally struck lucky with copy of #27, pre-battered by previous owner Claire, (saving me the job). Solitary previous encounter was a library loan shortly after publication. Then-me wasn't very impressed. Claire wishes it to be known that "Chez told me that you told her that I said Cheryl hated you not Nicole Salin", which is, of course, patently untrue. She also finds the first on our list a "sad one!" Take it away, Buzz.

Buzz Dixon – Spiders: "Fine, he thought. Tonight I'll drop back in my easy chair, sip Oolong tea, and listen to the Osmonds."

Marvin Tesich has suffered with arachnophobia since the age of three when one of the little blighters bit him on the mouth. Girlfriend Jenny is unsympathetic, but then, so you would be if someone persistently called you in the middle of the night to remove a money spider from their bath. Several months into their relationship, and Marvin has finally scored an exciting, if too brief, boob-fondle after their latest cinema date, so could be his luck is about to change. It does. First the crawlspace under his his house is infested by black widows, then he makes the mistake of hiring cowboy pest-exterminators, Mike Poulakais & his beefcake son, to rid him of the monster invaders.

Samantha Lee – Medium Rare: Short-short set during the Spanish Civil War. Much to the General's disgust, after a week of protracted torture sessions the Basque prisoner Jose Ferrara still refuses to betray his comrades. Time to adopt a more subtle approach. A nice slap-up steak meal.

J. Yen – A Weird Day for Agro: Man gets so cross at insensitive yobbo neighbour's rubbish guitar playing, his head go pulse, throb, stretch, pulse, throb, stretch, pulse, throb, stretch, spoiler Burst!. You can never underestimate the fanaticism of the Pan worshipper, but I suspect even the most blinkered acolyte would struggle to argue a case for this one's inclusion, even as filler.

Enjoyed all the stories in this one too; ok, "A Weird Day for Aggro" and "Medium Rare" not so much, but at least they were short. "Pebbledene" was by far my favorite, even if I could see how Danny Lamb (why be subtle if you don't have to?) was going to end up, followed by "Red Recipe" (also pretty predictable but I certainly didn't mind) and "Rothchild's Revenge".

[Dr Terror]

Johnny Yen played rhythm guitar in The Violet White. Andy 'Aggro' Stenning played bass.

JY is now a university professor.

[dem bones]

Oct 7, 2018 12:55:35 GMT Dr Terror said:

Johnny Yen played rhythm guitar in The Violet White. Andy 'Aggro' Stenning played bass.

JY is now a university professor.

Looks like they were both Defectors, too. JY gave good Johnny Thunders, didn't he?

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