John Halkin - Slime

[dem bones]

John Halkin - Slime (Hamlyn, 1984)

Blurb
A boy accidentally fallen overboard ... a child in a paddling pool .... an old man taking his daily swim ... These are their ifirst prey.

They arrived originally in ones and twos — deadly jellyfish eager to feast on human flesh. Attaching themselves lovingly to their victims' bodies. Then stinging .... paralysing ... feeding.

Nothing can stop them — not even on dry land. Thousands surge over the beaches ... fight their way inland up creeks and rivers ... leaving behind their telltale smears of luminescent slime.

But the final horror starts when they begin to breed. For now their young appear in reservoirs and storage tanks... slipping through drainpipes and water taps ....

And humankind faces ghoulish extinction

It's been bloody ages since i found anything new for this section and suddenly two come along within a minute of each other. Peter Brennan's "Aussie killer boar potboiler" © franklinmarsh)' Razorback, and a lovely pre-battered, ten careless owners copy of this, Halkin's notorious jellyfish on the rampage stormer, as celebrated (snigger) by Chris Morgan in his introduction to Dark Fantasies.

As with his other Hamlyn classics, Slither ("You'll never feel safe in your bath again", 1980) and Squelch ("The shuddering touch of skin crawling terror", 1985), there's no messing about. But three paragraphs in and the jellyfish discover a sunken cargo ship on the sea bed. After a few tentative nibbles, they get to work on the ten bloated corpses imprisoned therein and like what they taste. From here it's just a small step - two pages - to devouring their first live human when seventeen year old Pete, fuming that his sister Jenny is spending all their holiday canoodling with smarmy lothario Victor, decides to make off with the rich kid's dinghy. Pete soon has cause to regret his strop when he falls overboard and straight into the jaws of the jellyfish! Barely out of the blocks but already every reason to feel confident that, like it's illustrious companions, Slime is definitely the kind of novel certain small press superstars of the multiple awards, zero sales persuasion deride as "giving horror a bad name!"

[Jojo Lapin X]

Mar 25, 2012 18:34:09 GMT dem bones said:

straight into the jaws of the jellyfish

Jellyfish:

[dem bones]

nobody said it was a documentary.

[noose]

Terry Oakes cover

[killercrab]

Class ! - I'd almost forgotten why I frequented the Vault.

KC ( waiting on Jack Ramsay's The Rage to arrive whilst watching Carry On At Your Convenience.)

[pulphack]

remember the pulp writer's mantra: never let the truth get in the way of a good story...

[dem bones]

Mar 26, 2012 1:48:22 GMT killercrab said:

Class ! - I'd almost forgotten why I frequented the Vault.

KC ( waiting on Jack Ramsay's The Rage to arrive whilst watching Carry On At Your Convenience.)

the recent pulp mag overload not pulpy enough for you?

Rage is good. Carry On At Your Convenience, a serious contender for worst carry on ever, in opinion of me. Union-bashing Tory propaganda on a Dennis Wheatley scale and no Black Sorcery (or even good bad jokes) to redeem it.

Anyway ...

Now we're at a South Wales seaside resort, filming an episode of popular TV series The Chronicles of Gulliver ("Britains answer to Dynasty). Thirty-something star Tim Eward despises the show which has seen him typecast for life as a poor man's Simon Templar when he's trained as a proper Thespian, i.e. William Shakespeare, etc. Stardom has also contributed to the breakdown of his marriage, though maybe that's not an immediate concern as he's almost in a relationship with Jane, the glamorous freelance journalist. Eward is even less happy with his lot today. His new director is a stuck-up bint with a few documentaries behind her, hasn't a clue how to motivate actors. Also, he's just been rabbit-punched in what was supposed to be a staged fight with a thuggish extra, Arthur, making the most of an opportunity to prove he's harder than any poncy big-time Charlie action hero. Tim is wondering whether to land him one when Pete's mangled corpse washes ashore, a greedy pink-speckled man-eater still feasting on his face. Initially, Tim shares jojo's scepticism ("Jellyfish didn't normally go around eating human flesh, did they? Sting, yes - but eat?"), but luckily Jane's sister is a marine biologist so i expect we'll receive the professional opinion shortly. Until then, Tim and Jane exhaust the local library's supply of books about jellyfish while Arthur and his cronies hit the pub, the hoodlum still seething about flash overpaid "Boyo"s who can't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. When Arthur and his rabble eventually stagger out, it's to bump straight into Tim and Jane. Arthur continues the verbals, Tim pushes him off the harbour bridge, dives in to rescue him when it's clear he can't swim. The jellyfish get there first!

[killercrab]

Carry On At Your Convenience, a serious contender for worst carry on ever, in opinion of me. Union-bashing Tory propaganda on a Dennis Wheatley scale and no Black Sorcery (or even good bad jokes) to redeem it.


I believe it was the only Carry On to not make it's money back because the working class audience stayed away. I want to see it because it's mentioned in CRISIS ? WHAT CRISIS? Britain In The 1970s by Alwyn W. Turner which I'm reading. THE RAGE is similarily mentioned. CRISIS is a fascinating examination of both 1970s political and popular culture in Britain. Highly recommended - in fact Vault is included in the Websites Bibliography because the book touches on Guy N.Smith and James Herbert.

KC

[dem bones]

Alwyn's a lovely guy. He was very supportive when we started up, gave us a plug on Trash Fiction and even an open invitation to the launch party for Cult Rock Posters. In the end, it was just Franklin and me showed up, but that was probably a quarter of the board at the time. A lovely gesture and very much appreciated.

Halkin is hitting his best Squelchy form.

"A green slime covered the black leather fingers of the gauntlet glove, and it was gleaming like rock stars' glitter make up."

The three-man crew of The Medusa are still congratulating themselves on their massive haul when they notice its all glowing and slimy and there are all these wiggling tentacles poking through the nets ...

Jane Lowe has a guilty secret. She's been commissioned by a new London scandal mag to get the dirt on the Tim and is considering sleeping with him when his arm's better (jellyfish stings) to give the story some clout. her piece on the strange goings on in South Wales only scored two paragraphs and no credit in the nationals on account of a female cabinet minister being caught up in a three-in-a-bed scandal. Also, Jane's sister the marine biologist thinks the man-eaters may be a mutant strain of Pelagia Noctillica - thought as much: that would explain the jaws like steel man traps - though she'll need to examine one to be sure. Jane agrees to provide it ....

[dem bones]

Tim, finally released from hospital, heads down to the Devon coast to get away from the jellyfish menace - good luck with that one, Mr. Eward! - and try rekindle his relationship with wife Sue. The demands of their profession have taken a toll on the marriage, and Sue is wondering how best to break it that she's seeing Mark from the theatre company and wants a divorce. In the meantime, though, one last (from a readers perspective, really disappointing. GNS does it so much better) bad sex session for old time's sake. The following morning Tim, oblivious to her plans, catches himself one of the deadly pink jellyfish and dumps it in a metal bucket. Sue refuses to allow it in the house so he leaves it by the back door. Next doors Ginger Tom investigates.

Bloodbath at old Mrs.Wakeham's Grocery Shop when the shrieking cat bursts in, the man-eater wrapped around its neck, and Sue in pursuit! The dotty old dear makes the mistake of attempting to remove the slimy killer.

Suddenly, that divorce is so much easier to demand.

Raging storms hit Britain.

At Colwyn Bay, scouse bikers Jock and Meg think it's smart to challenge Pete Kelly and Meg to ride through the high waves sweeping the coast road. Pete takes a hungry jellyfish in the face.

Old Mr. David Jones takes his final daily dip at Bedruthan Steps, Cornwall.

On the Isle of Wight, seven-year-old Andrew attains international celebrity after finding a new friend to play with in his paddling pool. His sister states matter-of-factly "I knew he was dead 'cos of the way his eyes stared at me. I mean, they were really dead eyes like you see on the horror videos, an' this jellyfish was on his neck, and it was just like the videos." The S*n, St*r and Da*ly M*il immediately launch a campaign to have sick 'squideo nasties' banned as a disgraceful influence on the Pelagia Noctillica despite there being not a single shred of evidence of a jellyfish ever having watched one.

The home of an eighty year old widow is flooded in Clacton. Perhaps we'd best go check on her as it's been a few days now ....

[dem bones]

Septic arm or no, Tim is recalled to S. Wales and the sandbanks for a re shoot of the fight scene with a new extra, Arnold's face no longer being up to the task. TV administrator Jackson Phillips also wants a word. He doesn't like all this loose talk of carnivorous sea monsters, the public may take it to heart and that would spell disaster for the holiday trade. Phillips proposes internationally renowned Alan Brewster produce one of his "special documentaries" on the recent events, take the sting out of the situation, with Tim presenting. Tim has reservations, not least that he doesn't wish to be associated with "cheap exploitation", but finally agrees when reassured that it's in the public interest that this menace be exposed. Jacqui from Gulliver and Jane - they hate each other on sight - sign up for the project.

Tomboy Barbara, 12, and dopey ten year old cousin Paul decide now would be a good time to investigate the smuggler's caves. Tim and the gals, jellyfish hunting on the beach, hear their cries. Thirty-two of the glowing speckled pink monsters have the kids cornered. Tim and Jacqui (she had the common sense to wear riding boots and jodhpurs) reach the children easily enough, but have they been lured into a trap?

which brings us to chapter thirteen, only the halfway mark and i've already lost count of the casualties ...

[dem bones]

"Oh, I wouldn't want to do that to any living thing, not even jellfish! They're being burnt alive, for Christsakes!"

Alas, the price we pay for preserving mankind, Jocelyn, and if you want to make it in the documentary game, might we suggest you quit griping and get those cameras rolling?

Seldom can i recall a 'when animals attack' going quite so gung-ho on vignettes. They're coming so thick and fast it's hard to keep track. The young cop (sympathetic) who rescued Tim in the "Arthur's face" incident - which seems years ago - has himself come a cropper, braving the Medusan hordes to rescue a colleague and an old boy who'd once had electrodes applied to his testicles in a Japanese POW camp.

A jellyfish invasion of South Wales is curtailed when the army douse the beach in Kerosene and ignite it. This method proves the most popular means of extermination, and soon the entire coastlines of England & South Wales are a raging inferno. When the fires burn themselves out, the jellyfish return in even greater numbers. As yet, nobody's mentioned the situation in Scotland, so you might be OK, you might not.

The documentary is in the can. Tim deviates from his script to ad-lib a passionate plea to the nation that the menace be taken seriously. The nation responds by dubbing him "Mr. Jellyfish" and slowly get their act together. He and Jocelyn (snooty new Gulliver director) enjoy a romp at the hotel even if she is a lesbian.

Alan Brewer is dining at the Garrick Club when he hears the news, "Jellyfish - in the Thames", which amounts to a colony extending from the mud-banks under Westminster bridge right the way up to Richmond, where two teenage jokers think it would be a great laugh to place one in the drivers seat of a car parked outside a pub. The prankster's victim is currently in intensive care with half his arse missing, though at least one of of the culprits is in an even worse mess.

Jane is still busy on her expose for the boobs & bums magazine. She calls on Eward's estranged wife just as she's enduring some Pelagia Noctillica-related problems of her own. And now, just when things couldn't get any worse, they have: baby jellyfish in the reservoirs!

[erebus]

Been years and years and years since I read this. Perhaps a triple bill with SLITHER and SQUELCH is in order.
The cover for this I have is the one of the woman pulling the green goo from her. I always preferred the artwork version above.
Last Halkin I read was BLOODWORM. Which I enjoyed a lot.
THE UNHOLY is still unread and sitting there. I recall a review on the forums somewhere.

[franklinmarsh]

Apr 14, 2012 17:37:57 GMT erebus said:

The cover for this I have is the one of the woman pulling the green goo from her. I always preferred the artwork version above.

What?? The woman pulling the green goo from her is beyond classic. I can see her heaving bosom as I feverishly type this. I'll have to clamber into the attic at t'weekend to see if I can retrieve my copy.

Meanwhile, here's some tosh from the old place -

Perhaps this should have gone in Hamlyn Horror - but let's press on. I've been jeering Slime everywhere I go. Killer jellyfish? Pah! But in order to be taken seriously (sic) I thought I'd better read it. I'd read John Halkin's Slither and enjoyed it very much (notwithstanding the legs controversy). I'm about halfway through Slime and ...(cue Ian Carmichael) ...it's really jolly good! I was expecting a laff fest but Mr Halkin is much better than that. Despite the ridiculous premise, the irritating characters and the occasional lapse into absurdity (There's a leap from the soap opera shenanigans of the main characters to a bizarre paragraph or two detailing huge crowds of jellyfish gathering around the coasts of Britain - and isn't it amazing how any of these creatures who decide to take on the might of mankind, British or otherwise, are capable of functioning as a well drilled army?)
Our hero Tim Ewing (yes this is the book that mentioned Dynasty) is a TV star - although he thinks his series The Chronicles Of Gulliver - the rough and tumble adventures of the son of a tycoon - is pretty sh*te. But it's good money. His Mrs is also in the acting profession but she's stayed true to their original vision and is stuck in Rep in Totnes. She's also having an affair and wants a divorce. Lucky Tim's hooked up with young,attractive journo Janet - even if she doesn't want to leap into his bed. New director Jacqui is from the world of documentaries and ruffling a few feathers. Into all this melodrama float stung-to-death half-eaten bodies. Yes, if Hutson's Slugs can be maneaters so can Halkin's inveterbrate drifters. Tim even has to battle with a couple early on. More good fortune! Janet's sister is a marine biologist. Why do the jellies leave a trail of slime (aside from a dodgy link to the title)? If they're pink, how come they glow green? Hilarious antics with a cat and an interfering old biddy who runs a local general store. We flit from Wales to Devon with ease. But it's an enjoyable romp. How's it going to end? I don't want to disappoint you Rip, but I cant see the Prime Minister getting jellied

[dem bones]

Apr 24, 2012 9:42:20 GMT franklinmarsh said:

isn't it amazing how any of these creatures who decide to take on the might of mankind, British or otherwise, are capable of functioning as a well drilled army?)

very true, Franklin, but, in the words of Falklands hero Sergeant Parker, "intelligent? let's show the buggers who's intelligent!", as his men advance on the glutinous menace in an abandoned Dorset churchyard. Never underestimate the enemy.

i breezed through Slither and Squelch, but Slime proved more of a challenge. After a brief dip in the excitement - incinerating row upon row of the little perishers on the beach just feels like cheating - things pick up when Britain is hit by a series of floods.

Roberta (Jocelyn the marine biologist's no. 1 assistant) and her student boyfriend come a cropper in the lab because 'Grandpa', an evil genius who may or may not have masterminded the invasion, figured how to manipulate the latch on his aquarium and telepathically communicated the secret to his underlings. Suddenly they're all at it. Roberta manages to call Jane and groan "Help .... needed ..... jellyfish ..... loose", effectively luring the wannabe gossip girl to her doom.

Tim Ewing and Jocelyn meet the Prime Minister and it's agreed they'll continue with their documentary under army supervision. They're flown to Dorset to film our brave boys' bloody (and slimy) campaign. Choking back tears, Sergeant Parker informs them it's their job to show the public the sacrifices made on their behalf before he's interrupted by another scream from the graveyard. As the battle rages, an urgent telephone call for the smarmy Major. Neighbouring Devon has been abandoned save for the hospital at Totnes which is now surrounded by "the jellies". Sue (the estranged Mrs. Ewing; boyfriend Mark went down in a flurry of tentacles some chapters ago) proves herself an action-heroine in her own right, racing to the rescue of a little girl in quarantine though it will almost certainly cost her her life. Tim hitches a lift on the rescue helicopter, realising it was Sue he loved all along. But can he reach her before she's overcome by the pulsating throbbers?

my one slight quibble is that the micro-jellyfish-in-the-water-supply development isn't played for everything its worth, but a breathless final fifty pages (the siege of the hospital) culminating in the mandatory rubbish "final" solution more than make up for it.