Robert Bateman - The Hands Of Orlac

[dem bones]

Robert Bateman - The Hands Of Orlac (Four Square, 1961)

Steven Orlac, the internationally acclaimed concert pianist, sees his hands burnt to blackened stumps when the light aircraft flying him home from a London concert crashes outside Paris in thick fog. Louise, his devoted young fiancee, prevails upon brilliant space age surgeon Prof. Volcheff to do whatever it takes to save Steven's fabulous fingers as without them he might as well be dead. Fortunately, that night the serial-strangler Vasseur the Monster, has a date with the executioner.

Some weeks later. As yet, Orlac's new hands can't replicate his previous keyboard wizardry but on the plus side they prove useful at the funfair where he effortlessly wins first prize in a 'test your strength' contest. And decapitates it.

Worried by his hard drinking and mood swings, Louise persuades him to accompany him on a get away from it all vacation at her guardian Dr. Cochrane's country villa. This goes some way to reviving his spirits until the cat, Michou, which has taken an instant dislike to his huge clutching hands, is brutally strangled beneath his bedroom window. Although he blames it on the wind (which has an evil reputation in these parts) or, at a push,, gypsies, it's clear that old Ange the retainer suspects Orlac of the crime. as they dig a grave for the throttled feline, Orlac's paranoia gets the better of him and he strikes out at the ancient dogsbody. Louise drags him off to bed thinking that maybe it's best not to wait until after they're wed. Orlac gets so turned on he takes her by the throat and squeezes until she screams.

Half insane with terror and shame, Orlac drives until he reaches a sleazy motel in the heart of Marseille's slumland where buxom landlady Madame Alberti is not slow to inform him that "extras" are available if required. M. Alberti is one half of a cabaret act, Nero & Regina, Nero being a tall, thin sadist who pimps her to all comers and punishes her with his knife should she ever displease him. Orlac visits The Blue Monkey to catch the pair in action. It's a dispiriting spectacle. Nero combines hypnotism, stage magic and sub-Vault risqué jokes, Regina performs a mildly raunchy bump 'n grind routine with a feather boa. Delighted that he's taken such an interest in her, Regina decides to treat Orlac to some post-gig hanky panky on the house. Nero, meanwhile, has worked out just who the mystery man is and concocts a neat little blackmail scheme. Jealous as he is sadistic, he bursts in on the pair before Regina can burst out of her dress and lets slip to Orlac that he recognises his scarred hands - the last time he shook them, they were attached to the arms of Vasseur the monster! Orlac lashes out again and drives back to Louise.

To be continued. 128 pages of fun all the way, this one!

[dem bones]

where was i ....

It is some weeks after the fisticuffs with Nero and Orlac seems to have conquered both his demons and his secondhand hands. Steven Orlac and Louise are now happily wed and once again, he is the supreme maestro of pianists. His comeback performance is to take place in London's theatre-land before a sell-out crowd. Orlac arrives in his dressing room to find a mystery parcel which he's stupid enough to open. As a good luck gesture, Nero has sent him a pair of grubby white cotton gloves with the owners name sewn along the seams: M. Vasseur, "the Monster"!

after treating a full house to a Napalm Death influenced rendition of Moonlight Sonata, Orlac storms offstage and onto the streets of Soho, his big hands clutching and unclutching the while. His expression is so deadly that even hardened tarts think twice. By now we are wondering if Orlac will ever pull his finger out and actually KILL somebody instead of confining himself to some occasional throat-bruising foreplay?

meanwhile the police net is closing in on Nero but alas, not quickly enough to save his glamorous assistant the indignity of a spectacular onstage demise at Soho's seedy Chez Felix, where, bound and gagged, she's placed in a cabinet for the sword-wielding mesmerist to pin-cushion at his leisure. The twist ending is so "happy" you'd be advised to have your souvenir Mark Of Satan barf-bag handy, but somehow it suits

Anyone seen the film?

[Dr Strange]

I have seen the 1960 film, but it was a long, long time ago. There are also a couple of earlier versions - a silent 1924 film from Austria with the same title, and a 1935 US version called Mad Love with Peter Lorre - and a remake called Hands Of A Stranger from 1962.