You are the Ref!

[dem bones]

Just unearthed a small bundle of comics and fanzines from the late 'eighties and thought i'd share some with my big football-loving pals!

Football Picture Story Monthly (DC Thomson, 1987)

#25: The Animals

Honest Terry Venner leaves Manstown City to take over as manager of crack South American outfit Cabala on a two year contract. But hardly has he put pen to paper than he learns the appalling truth: the team he's inherited are an ill-disciplined bunch of diving, fouling, cheating Johnny Foreigners! For shame! Can the plucky Brit boss get these play-acting prima donna's to see the error of their ways or will player power drive him out? Against all odds, he slowly teaches Carlos Riventi and his fellow swarthy, hot-tempered Latins a sense of common decency and fair play, but how will they shape up in the cup final versus Dranis, the self-styled "dirtiest team in the country"?

It's just like watching Uruguay: "El Venners" can only look on in horror as his side demonstrate their full repertoire of sneaky foreign tricks!

Meanwhile, in Roy Of The Rovers (IPC, 6 June 1987)

183 year old Melchester Rovers legend Roy Race has been forced to undergo an operation on an horrific knee injury, so the Prime Minister asks him to embark on a tour of Europe because everyone one respects him so much they're sure to let our clubs back into Champions League.
But despite all his bridge-building, Racey's peace initiative comes under threat from the travelling hooligan element!

Fans-uh! Remember! You are abroad!

Maybe some more later!

[dem bones]

With Croatia facing a potential banana skin against England on Wednesday night, an opportune moment, perhaps, to resurrect this unhappening thread.

Football Picture Story Monthly (DC Thomson, 1987)

#29: The Feud

Kenny Dawson and Pat Hill have despised each other from schooldays following a playground bust up which saw them both cop a detention. Dawson's subsequent refusal to pass to his unmarked rival in an inter-schools cup tie, preferring to a miss a sitter than allow "the wimp" to equalise, puts the seal on it. All out soccer war!

And so it goes on through youth and lower leagues until they sign for bitter rivals Mancaster City and Mancaster United respectively. For all their gurly handbags they're tidy players and both are called up to the England squad to face the Scots. Deciding to put country before animosity, they star in a 3-2 win, but afterwards it's business as usual thanks to a reporter who stirs things up by casually enquiring which of them will score the most International goals. Dawson misses several matches for club and country due to an injury sustained playing against Everpool when hard-man Gregor Roberts launched into a scything late tackle straight from the Roy Keane school and Hill is well out in front when his playing career is ended in a car smash. Moving into management, he soon lands the England job. But will he swallow his pride and recall the in-form Dawson to the side for the crunch European tie versus Germany and present him the opportunity to overtake his record?

Some tasty challenges and heated exchanges - "Slagheap! That was over the top! I ought to bust you one!" "You an' whose army, big-mouth!" - but it's a shame the splendid Gregor Roberts' cynicism doesn't extend to the storyline which, depressingly, ends in smiles, handshakes and a 4-2 scoreline in the home side's favour.

While I try and figure what manner of affliction compels me to type out this mindless drivel, day in, day out, why not brush up on your knowledge of the beautiful game with Roy Of The Rovers and the instructive You Are The Ref!?

[pulphack]

i'd say you can't have a sub as a sending -off is the same whether before, after, or during a game. certainly, it counts the same for suspensions, and so you'd have to play the second half with ten men.

put me out of my misery, dem, am i right?

also can't get over the phrase 'hinest terry venners' - unlikely if you're acquainted with the life and works of the real El Veg.

i saw some of these comics lurking in the basement of 'any amount of books' last time i was there, but passed. it may have been a mistake...

[pulphack]

oh yeah, and MES was crap at lip synching - was that Turf Moor?

[dem bones]

Phew! All that watching the mighty 'O's has obviously paid off, mr. hack! I am the ref, and I can confirm that "A dismissed player cannot be replaced." It's the law!

Anyhow, if you find any copies of Football Picture Story Monthly lurking anyplace, you should get them. I've just turned up #27 starring Adrian "Bushy" Bush, the Liverton City hot-shot who defects to fierce rivals United, in The Goals Nobody Cheered, although it will have to go some way to live up to The Animals (I've forgiven the "happy" ending now).

Yep, it's Turf Moor. Doesn't Brix look nice? You can almost hear the cogs turning in her mind: Dear God, what have I DONE ?!!!

[dem bones]

right, for those who are interested, let's see if we can mutate this into our World Cup 2010 thread!

Been loving it so far. Blinding first game and even the dire France Vs Uruguay encounter had the decency to serve up first deserved sending off of tournament. i so want S. Africa to beat France. Greece Vs. S. Korea doesn't sound too promising but after that it's top stuff all the way today. Argentina Vs Nigeria and then Eng-er-land VS. USA in what has suddenly acquired legit grudge match status.

[marksamuels]

Dem

You are such a star! I was hoping for this... yobbo that I am (in my imagination, anyway).

I've been looking for an excuse to repost this one:



Perhaps we might have a list of footy horror tales to keep us going? Obviously there's the Richard Staines effort, but I think we all know that one. Didn't Nick Royle do an anthology of this type back in the 90s?

Think tonight will be a draw. England 1 Yanks 1.

Mark S.

[dem bones]

hey Mark, plenty of horror-related football shorts on theSport is Horror thread, and we even have one (of sorts) for Nicholas Royle's A Book Of Two Halves

if you tell me The Death Penalty lives up to the cover, i'll scream.

Thought the S. Korean's were worthy winners over the ultra-negative ones. Argentina should rout Nigeria but with the gloriously deranged Maradona in charge anything could happen. Certainly not expecting England to win by divine right - it will be a tough game and if we nick it 1-0 that would be an excellent result.

[marksamuels]

Thanks for the links, Dem. Particularly interested in the Rublowsky and Smyth tales (do I detect a common theme; one also used in the Staines?) Where did they appear?

I really must try and get hold of that Nick Royle (seriously great bloke by the way) anthology.

The Death Penalty is middling. It doesn't quite live up to the cover. Still, it's not as deadly dull as Albion! Albion!, which is a dystopian novel about the country divided up into four (I think) football zones. God, that was painfully "worthy" and full of its own sociological self-importance.

I'd love to edit a proper football/horror crossover anthology---something with a Birkin style jag.

Mark S.

[dem bones]

i swear i only read horror novels to prepare me for watching England matches. At least it was a decent performance and 1-1 ain't a disastrous start, though we should really have won.

Smyth's The Dooley Street Centre Forward is from Richard Davis's Tandem Horror 2 and Rublowsky's Prison Ball appears in the third and, sadly, final issue of the superb Shock: The Magazine Of Terrifying Tales. And yes, both stories tread similar territory to Mr. Staines's No Such Thing As A Friendly, as does the Stephen Dedman shocker mentioned on the same thread. I love all four of 'em.

Jun 12, 2010 16:45:20 GMT marksamuels said:

I'd love to edit a proper football/horror crossover anthology---something with a Birkin style jag.

Mark S.

i'd sure be up for that!

[killercrab]

i swear i only read horror novels to prepare me for watching England matches. At least it was a decent performance and 1-1 ain't a disastrous start, though we should really have won.


An average performance I thought - we had plenty of opportunities to take this but squandered 'em. I'm reading Hutson at the moment so I'm fortified.

KC

[dem bones]

Football's Shame: The Battle Of Santiago, 1962

“Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game.” David Coleman on Chile V Italy, 'The Battle Of Santiago', 1962.

is it me, or does this World Cup need livening up some? i guess its understandable that, the impressive Germans and Argentina apart, practically ever side has adopted an over-cautious 'don't lose your first match' approach, making for two days of mostly dire viewing (that Denmark-Holland first half was even more tedious than Algeria-Slovenia). There's usually one particularly violent game per tournament and i've been trying to spot a likely contender. Normally i'd go for a game involving Uruguay as they've plenty of previous but against France they looked relatively benign so we are forced to look elsewhere. Likewise, Italy looked anything but the 'masters of the black arts' of old, scraping a draw versus a *ahem* committed Paraguay last night. Holland are usually good for some snidely stuff, England have the combustible Wayne, but my guess is Group H - either Portugal or Ivory Coast will attempt to kick Brazil off the pitch. Spain versus Chile would be my outside choice but i reckon both sides will be through by the time they meet.

[marksamuels]

Hang on a minute, Dem! It looks like Tony Blackburn and DLT in one of those photos!



Mark S.

[franklinmarsh]

Jun 15, 2010 10:55:46 GMT dem bones said:

[There's usually one particularly violent game per tournament and i've been trying to spot a likely contender.

Can't help wondering that if South Korea should meet North Korea, it could end up in nuclear war. You can't get much more violent than that. The refs seem to be card happy at the mo', so we'll have to look for off-pitch brawls.

[Craig Herbertson]

As a Hearts fan Horror was simply a relief