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Post by marksamuels on Apr 6, 2009 14:49:23 GMT
So, my great aunt finally handed over a copy of Richard Staines first book. Frankly, I don't know why you lot are interested in this pervert, but here you go: RICHARD STAINES FIRST COMING!!!
The revolution in horror has begun. Welcome and pay homage to the new Master. The Master of Shudders. Mr Richard Staines. His books are more bloody, more terrifying, more nasty than anything anyone has dared publish before. Staines has killed HORROR and given birth to SADOHORROR. We warn you now, do not read this book alone. And do not let your wife or children see it, or anyone else of a nervous disposition.
Michael “Mick” Tayker is married to Ethel. They’ve been together for twenty years, and neither of them is getting any younger. Mick can’t keep his eyes off all the young dollybirds, with their mini-skirts and their tight t-shirts. He wants to get into their knickers, while Ethel wants to be young enough again to be one of them. One night the couple watch a new horror film at their local Odeon: it’s called “Countess Bathory”. And Ethel comes up with a solution…
A SOLUTION THAT ENDS IN SADDOHORROR BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION AND BELIEF!!!!! A BLOOD BATH-ORY!!!!
“Mick slumped in front of the telly into his armchair, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts and a string vest, and waited for The Big Match to start. It had been hard work, all right, that business with the bicycle pump and the bucket. He was looking forward to having a rest and watching the highlights of Millwall vs. Crystal Palace. He’d cracked open a Watneys Party Four and was just getting comfortable. Upstairs he could hear Ethel splashing around in the bath and singing a Max Bygraves song, “You need hands”. But it was not water in Ethel’s bath. Oh no. It was blood. Blood drained from the noisy tart who lived next door, that is, she had lived, until this Sunday afternoon…” From Bloodbath for Ethel
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Post by David A. Riley on Apr 6, 2009 15:00:12 GMT
You ask why we are interested in "this pervert", then go on to give the answer with that fabulous quote. What could be more likely to catch the attention of stalwart members of the Vault? You might as well flick gobbets of blood at a flock of vampire bats. (Do vampire bats hang round in flocks? I don't suppose so, not being sheep. A flight, perhaps?)
Anyway, it looks like Richard Stains is firmly entrenched as a Vault favourite.
He's to horror fiction what William Shatner is to popular singing. And who could say fairer than that?
David
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Post by Johnlprobert on Apr 6, 2009 16:25:30 GMT
Can we call his fan club 'The Staines Massive'?
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Post by marksamuels on Apr 6, 2009 22:16:52 GMT
I received the following communication tonight. It was shoved through my letterbox.
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Post by Johnlprobert on Apr 7, 2009 14:23:30 GMT
Not sure if it's reassuring to know that Mr Staines is still keen to foist his work upon us. However, I must confess I find myself wondering what 'No Such Thing as a Friendly' is like.
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Post by David A. Riley on Apr 7, 2009 14:34:26 GMT
Sounds like the kind of football story that could interest even me.
David
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Post by franklinmarsh on Apr 7, 2009 15:41:08 GMT
Sounds to me suspiciously like a combination of the best (or worst) of Frank Clegg's 'Soccer Thug' and Glenn Chandler's 'The Tribe'. If it isn't, I'll be so disappointed.
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Post by marksamuels on Apr 7, 2009 22:53:55 GMT
Charles Black has got his (blood) Stained hands on the story. Surely no-one would dare publish it. Or would they? Mark S.
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Post by Johnlprobert on Apr 8, 2009 9:12:48 GMT
If anyone else did publish it, woud they be invoking: "The Curse of Staines" ??!!!!!!
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Post by dem bones on Apr 22, 2009 15:23:50 GMT
Think 'horror author' and 'public house' and about a million names spring to mind, but surely the most prominent among the entire proudly inebriated crew is Richard Stains. No surprises, then, that a North London boozer provides the setting for one of his finest tales, The Sucking Pub, which was recently forwarded this way by his amiable literary agent, Mark 'The Pitbull' Samuels.
Richard Stains - The Sucking Pub
We join the master during a particularly bleak period in his life. The Brewery, in their infinite stupidity, have decided that Richard's work in Millwall is done and he's been shifted from his beloved Duke of Marlboroughto some joint in Camden Town. His one consolation is that Samantha, stacked at both ends, low cut dresses and all that - a proper barmaid in other words - is coming with him, because, fuck, is he going to need her.
The Jolly Roger isn't the easiest pub to find, and when our hero asks directions he's warned off the place - “You don’t want to go there, mate, especially after dark. Find another pub to drink in. I’m telling you this for your own good.” When he finally steps into the bar, the explanation punches him straight in the face.The Jolly Roger - it's a bleedin' gay pub!
Well! Our man certainly isn't feeling the least 'jolly', nor is he up for being 'rogered' by his new landlord, Luca 'The Captain' Draygor, or any of his bender companions. Clearly, a New Cross makeover is in order and Mr. Stains get stuck in straight from the off. An emergency name-change to The Bricklayers Arms, a dartboard, Samantha wobbling about behind the bar, proper records on the jukebox and everything's ... still the same. He's not even so sure that there's another reason, quite apart from the nancy treadlights, for normal people avoiding The Bricklayers like the plague ...
Those who've been brought up on a diet of The Chopping Centre and Psycho Flasher may be a little surprised, disappointed, even, that Mr. Stains has toned down the agro a notch on this occasion, like he's trying to be some poncey 'new wave' writer, but that's only because you don't understand versatility. So Mark, thanks for passing this on, mate. Tell you what it put me in mind of a bit? The Midnight Mess episode from Vault Of Horror!
Richard Stains. Not for nothing is he the poster boy of The Daily Mail's literary supplement.
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Post by pulphack on Apr 23, 2009 16:33:30 GMT
stone me, i got all misty at the thought of Samantha wobblin' about - or is that steamy? anyway, this one begs to be read. if the Pitbull can be persuaded to hang an exec from Harpers out his bleedin' office window until he hands over the dosh for a contract, then all will be pukka with the world.
wonder if Mr S (and the Pitbull, just to differentiate) will be dahn the New Den for Millwall-Oreint on Saturday? maybe Mr S could do a signing in the away fans tunnel. give 'em his personal mark with the old millwall brick, eh?
(mark, if i won the lottery, you do realise i'll PAY you to do this, don't you?!)
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Post by marksamuels on Apr 23, 2009 17:15:11 GMT
The other day my wife was looking over the two Richard Staines manuscripts I've edited ("No Such Thing as A Friendly" and "The Sucking Pub") and complained that I'd polished them up too much. Mark S.
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Post by marksamuels on Apr 23, 2009 23:12:02 GMT
THE MASTER OF SHUDDERS IS BACK FOR 2009*
It was a quiet beach in the middle of a blazing July. Dads with knotted hankies on their heads. Mums wearing “Kiss Me Quick” hats. Sandcastles. Donkey rides. Kids happily playing with dead seagulls. There’s never any trouble in Bognor Regis. A perfect summer day by the seaside. The worst that can happen is a spilt ice-cream or getting a little sunburnt.
UNLESS THE BEACH IS INVADED BY GIANT MAN-EATING LOBSTERS FROM JUPITER’S MOON EUROPA!!!
From under the ice of a distant moon, across the solar system they came, ravening for human blood. They had eaten all the living things in the ocean of their own world and now they’ve landed in the English Channel. All that stands between them and world domination is Professor Robert Hawkins, world famous TV personality, biologist, ladies man and karate expert. With his sidekick Lady Rowena, pipe-smoking genius Hawkins battles the invasion that puts mankind on the menu…
BECAUSE THE GIANT LOBSTERS ARE BOILING THEIR VICTIMS ALIVE BEFORE EATING THEM!
“Wobert,” Lady Rowena said, putting her pinky finger in the corner of her pert little mouth “you cewtainly are jolly clever!”
Professor Hawkins puffed at his Dunhill bulldog pipe. The thick aroma of Dutch shag never failed him! All the ladies loved it! He smiled and said “If we feed the mentally retarded to the lobsters, and by mentally retarded, I mean, of course, the churchgoers, we shall solve two pressing problems at once!” As always, his steely scientific logic was impeccable!
Lady Rowena suddenly wet her knickers and then gasped!
Professor Hawkins was so busy ogling the waitress’s cleavage as she poured his glass of Chateau Le Ponce, that he didn’t spot the giant lobster claw behind him! The claw that was reaching through the open window of the twentieth floor of the Chez Marco restaurant at Canary Wharf!! …From Lobster Holocaust
WHEN YOU HEAR THE CLACKING OF THEIR CLAWS IT’S THEIR DINNERTIME…
“The return of Staines to fiction has to be read to be believed.” The Times Literary Supplement.
“Wicked, I shat myself.” Chris Foyles, Radio DJ.
“Unbelievable, simply unbelievable.” The Fortean Times.
* “Richard Staines” is a registered Trade Mark of The R.S. Group Inc. 2009
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Post by allthingshorror on Apr 24, 2009 6:46:31 GMT
“Wobert,” Lady Rowena said, putting her pinky finger in the corner of her pert little mouth “you cewtainly are jolly clever!”
Professor Hawkins puffed at his Dunhill bulldog pipe. The thick aroma of Dutch shag never failed him! All the ladies loved it! He smiled and said “If we feed the mentally retarded to the lobsters, and by mentally retarded, I mean, of course, the churchgoers, we shall solve two pressing problems at once!” As always, his steely scientific logic was impeccable!The Staines we all know and love? But only this paragraph sounds like the Richard Staines of old. He sounds...fresher. I can't believe this was all written by him. Who is this Steve Bates? Why has Staines been rebooted? I hate it when my pulp heroes come back to cash in on a misguided whimsy....I'm happy that there is a new book by him, of course I am - IF IT'S BY HIM!!!!I even have a signed copy of The Sucking Pub - we go back a bit - he didn't tell about this!!
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Post by carolinec on Apr 24, 2009 8:46:48 GMT
Mark, Johnny - you two are really wicked! So, who is this mysterious Master Bates then ...
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