John Ruddy - The Bargain

John Ruddy - The Bargain (Knightsbridge Easy Eye, 1990)



Was there a force more evil than Hitler ?

In form they were young women, and every one of them was sexually alluring, abandoned-looking, languid, but with an undying tension, the tension of perverse appetite held in check.

TWO BLOODTHIRSTY DICTATORS SEEK SUPREMACY.

High in the hills overlooking the sleepy town of Arefu, Romania, Count Dracula dwells in the ruins of an abandoned castle.

FOR WHAT WAS HITLER BUT ANOTHER KIND OF VAMPIRE?

When a bargain with the village elders is unwittingly broken, Dracula unleashes his terror on the town... and on the Nazi soldiers who have invaded his beloved homeland.

BUT THE COUNT DOESN'T LIKE THE COMPETITION.

As the legions of vampirism wind their treacherous way to Hitler himself, the world is about t be consumed by the powers of darkness which may now become immortal.

A highly convoluted novel, never quite as good/ bad as it sounds but enjoyable on its own outrageous terms. Transylvania, September 1940. Oberst Max Helm and his randy Nazi's commandeer the monastery at Sibiu as their base of operations while they await the Fuhrers order for the invasion of Russia to commence. Unbeknown to them, Dracula is far from a fictional creation of Bram Stoker - he exists, they are deep in his territory, but he's currently in relatively subdued mode, having struck a bargain with the elders of nearby Arefu that he'll not feed upon them - very much - provided they give his ruined hilltop castle the widest of berths (he doesn't want anyone sneaking up on him, stake-handed while he's asleep in his coffin). But when local youth Ion inadvisedly strays up the hill, "the horror" is on once more. Soon all the brothel-haunting Nazi officers are being preyed upon by peasant girl Lidia Laszlo, something of a local legend on account of her increasingly voracious sexual appetite and habit of biting her partners on the neck. Soon she's infected all the other good-time girls at Frau Wagner's establishment with the same vampire tendencies - and all part of Dracula's master-plan to usurp Hitler and achieve world domination! So when the Nazi's are finally given the go ahead to advance, Dracula's crack all-girl sex squad go with them .....

Beyond the monastery and the rest of the medieval town, lay the hill of Cristian, looking round and smooth like a woman's breast ....

His eyes lifted to the hill of Cristian, a shape like the breast of a black woman in the pale moonlight ....

Standing there, Dr. Bibescu could make out the hill of Cristian in the misty rain. It filled the arch of a bridge like a prone girl's breast under the curve of her raised arm ....

I should maybe have stressed that there is a fair amount of sexual activity in The Bargain. Not to make too fine a point of it, but the Nazi's certainly keep their fingers busy and seemingly no-one can set eyes on the hill of Cristian without thinking .......

Faceless characters (and events) come and go with such breakneck frequency that I found it hard to keep track of them all, but those who stayed in mind include:

The village elders, primarily Igor and Georghi. Miserable old bastards to a man, they never stop moaning and rarely pay for any of the booze they're continuously imbibing.

Stefan Bathory, Nadya Bibescu and her dad, the doctor. The former are young sweethearts - of sorts: he's going off her as she's saving herself for marriage. Dr. B has a secret ambition: he's always been fascinated by the subject of vampires and longs to meet one - this despite his unashamed hypochondria and cowardice. What will happen when he gets his wish?

Old Laszlo. Father of the afflicted girl and a plucky fellow who wants to do best by his daughter - i.e., smash a bloomin' great stake through her with a hammer.

Major Hans Klatt: he's there from the occupation of Rumania right through the doomed Russian invasion and the grim climax in Hitler's Berlin bunker. A self-serving git but then so are all of his colleagues and he at least has the balls to take on the Van Helsing role.

Gina Pop aka 'Frau Sieglinde Wagner': The local madame is a Romanian by birth and has never strayed far from Sibiu, but she continues speaking in a ludicrous "German" accent throughout, having convinced herself the Nazi soldiers don't realise she's not the real thing. Her girls affect 'Frenchness' for similar reasons. Needless to say, it all gets a bit 'Allo, Allo when they're around.

more garbage to follow on this one: maybe ....